Jen Brand's Journey

Freedom

2010-03-28T19:45:00.001-07:00

Tonight at sundown Passover begins. Passover is the celebration of the freedom of the Jewish slaves from Egypt. We will be celebrating with my family and some close friends. For those of you not familiar with the traditions of Passover, it's a joyous, loud sort of reenactment of the Jews journey to freedom. We drink lots of wine, sing lots of songs and eat lots of bizarre food which symbolize the various experiences the Jews had during their quest for freedom.

I have been thinking a lot about my own journey to freedom from cancer and treatment and the cold dark winter. Now that the sun is shining I feel more alive than I have in months. I am smiling more and I have more energy. I am grateful that I am coming back to life and can truly appreciate all that lies ahead. I am very aware of all the challenges I still have to face but I feel more prepared to tackle them than ever before.

Jason spent the last 3 days in Arizona with some friends watching baseball and taking a much deserved vacation from life at home. Leading up to his trip I was anxious about how I would fare on my own with the girls. Sure, I spent some time with my family, but I was more independent than I have been in months. And I truly enjoyed every minute with the girls. It was one of the more blissful weekends I've had in a long long time. I felt relaxed, happy, calm and appreciative. It made me realize that I'm coming back into the world and it feels pretty darn amazing.

This blog has been an incredible medium in which to share my experiences and reach out to each and every one of you. I could never have managed to share this process - the good and bad - with everyone had I not had this place to let all my emotions out. But I feel ready to let it go. I've felt guilty these last few weeks about not posting to it, and to me that means it has lost it's purpose. I will reach out to people with news, and please feel free to email, text, FB, call, etc. if you want to catch up.

In parting, I want to share this poem I read when I was in Mendocino a few weeks ago:

And I thought over again
My small adventures
As with a shore-wind I drifted out
In my kayak
And thought I was in danger

My fears,
Those small ones
That I thought so big
For all the vital things
I had to get and to reach.

And yet there is only
One great thing,
The only thing:
To live to see in huts and on journeys
The great day that dawns,
And the light that fills the world.

The Latest

2010-03-28T19:30:00.000-07:00

Hard to believe it's been almost a month since my last post. I'm not quite sure what to make of it but I do know this - tomorrow will be my last post. I've decided to retire the blog. But first, a bit of an update:

Physically I am significantly better. My hair is growing back like crazy. My eyebrows and eyelashes have made a come back, so much so that I had the joy of my first brow wax in 8 months last week and was elated when I saw the way they looked. The pain was totally worth it! I am also sporting a very short pixie cut of mostly this odd blondish/grayish/silvery soft straight hair. It's pretty bizarre when I look in the mirror to see this person that looks kind of like me, although I'll admit this whole experience has definitely aged me a bit.

The most significant health related news is this bizarre issue I've had to deal with the last few weeks. Three times over the course of the last 5 months, I have woken up in the morning and been unable to see out of my right eye. Twice it only lasted for 30 seconds, but the most recent time it lasted 5 full minutes. Slowly my vision would return but it was pretty distressing. It's only happened in the morning, so I don't feel concerned about driving or anything like that. I reported it to my doctor and within a few hours I was referred to have all kinds of tests done. I guess they were concerned about blood clots to my brain. I had an echo cardiogram to make sure my heart was functioning properly (which it was) a carotid ultrasound to make sure my carotid artery was carrying blood to my brain properly (which it was), a visit to the ophthalmologist, which confirmed everything was in order, and then a brain MRI which was the most nerve wracking for two reasons. First, the thought of a brain MRI is scary enough, and with the worry of recurrence and metastasis, well I won't even go there. But the MRI happened to be in the same building, even the same ROOM as the MRI where my cancer was first discovered. So needless to say, it was an emotionally intense experience. Thankfully the MRI was normal. So far the docs don't know what it is but the worry is not as high. I will see a neurologist for one last expert opinion. We'll see where that takes us...

My priority now is to exercise, eat well, get rest and let the sunshine and this season of rebirth help me recover from what I now consider the longest winter of my life.

Things are moving along

2010-03-04T13:36:00.000-08:00

I'm not posting very often. Partly because there isn't much to report but also I haven't felt like it. I guess I'm busy enjoying being out and about and restoring my health. But it's been a mixed bag of feelings recently. I'm not happy with how I look so I'm feeling insecure. Last weekend all my eyebrows and eyelashes fell out. I had no idea that could still happen, considering chemo ended over a month ago. But according to everyone in my support group it is normal. I've got a lot more hair on my head and today I noticed there is a ton of hair on my legs, which is new - so that is encouraging. I might have to start shaving again soon - what a privilege!

We weaned Minna of the bottle this past weekend so sleep has been a little difficult. She cries a lot more at bedtime and then wakes up at 5 instead of 6:30 starving. So we are exhausted. Despite the fatigue of parenthood I am finding that I am regaining strength each day. It's slow, no doubt about it, but still noticeable. The recovery from surgery is frustrating. I feel good - I'm not in any pain, I am totally mobile and driving and lifting things. But my doc says no rigorous activity for 8 weeks which stinks. I can hopefully start swimming next week. But I was hoping to start something else soon too. I guess it's a good way to force myself to slow down and really allow my body to heal from all the torture.

My main focus over the next couple of months is a whole bunch of soul searching. This whole journey has changed my life in more ways than I could have imagined. It's a lot to process and sort through but I have lots of support to help me get to a good place. It will be an uphill climb but I'm hoping the view from the top will be rewarding!

All Clear

2010-02-26T10:37:00.000-08:00

While I wasn't totally worried about the pathology results of my uterus, ovaries, cervix and fallopian tubes, I still found it a huge relief to get the call last night from the doctor that everything was JUST fine. I am thrilled.

I continue to feel better but I am starting to do more and getting more tired as a result. I am having trouble sleeping, mostly because my mind is spinning. I had a few nights of vertigo and thanks to a nifty tip from my dad, I did "Epley's Manuever" which is a series of poses to help overcome vertigo. I did the steps on Wednesday night and I've been OK ever since. It was cool to discover it.

Yesterday I treated myself to a movie and it was heaven sitting there with my OWN popcorn, and getting lost in the movie. Valentine's Day - CHEESY but fun and lighthearted, just what I needed.

This morning was Talia's Purim parade. I'm pooped...

One week post-op

2010-02-23T13:46:00.000-08:00

Today marks one week since my surgery. I have made significant progress and I am pleased with how well I am taking care of myself. I am walking and up and around with little discomfort. I am off the heavy duty pain killers and only taking Advil a couple of times a day. I am able to do some stuff around the house but I am really trying to resist the urge to pick up things on the floor or do heavy lifting. I haven't carried Minna farther than from the rocking chair to the crib (and that was only once!).

What's been the biggest challenge are my emotions. I am like Niagara falls right now. All the bravery and strength I have kept up these last 8 months has finally started to crumble. I am accepting the fact that it's OK to fall apart, god knows I deserve a little freak out. But it's really all coming out. I am going from terrifying thoughts of recurrence, paranoid about what other shitty circumstances can come along in my life to turn it all upside down again. I am feeling more protective of my children and worried about them being in more dangerous situations, although I know that is just a result of the paranoia about life and it's fragility. I hate how I look right now - there is very little that is left of me that feels feminine. But I know in time that will change. I do have some hair but it's not what it used to be so who knows how it will all grow back in. I know that what really matters is that it will grow back. And over time the aftermath will feel less intense and I will have days when I don't even think about cancer. But at the moment that seems so far off.

I am talking about my feelings to a lot of people right now and allowing myself to cry and fall apart. And I know I will reach some sort of emotional equilibrium soon enough, but it sure is intense in the eye of the storm.

I am home a lot this week, resting, reading, watching Olympics etc. and this all gives me a lot of time to think. There is so much to face in the coming months. My priority now is to heal, get more mobile and allow myself the time to accept my new life and my new body.

Day 4/5

2010-02-19T11:36:00.000-08:00

I started this yesterday but got too tired to finish it in one sitting:

I'm doing much better today. I am weaning myself from vicodin which means less of a fog all day but also a harder time sleeping and napping. My body will adjust, but it will be nice not to be on a narcotic again. I'm sure some of you would disagree. Actually last night was the first night of not sleeping with vicodin, only ibuprofen. I didn't sleep well at all. I am uncomfortable being stuck on my back all night but I'm not quite ready to sleep on my side.

The good news is each day when I wake up I feel more strength and mobility. This morning I actually made pancakes for everyone which was about as close to a hug or a snuggle as I could get for the girls. (the chocolate chips didn't hurt things either). It's hard being home alone all day and farming the kids out to various people, especially Minna. Talia is thrilled to have so many playdates but Minna breaks my heart when she leaves. It's almost as if she wants to sneak under my shirt with my bandaids and hide out until everyone else leaves so she can stay with me. I know it will pass but it's hard.

I am also starting to come down emotionally. I am finding myself crying over nothing. Just sitting at the table last night saying the prayers for shabbat and eating dinner with just my girls and Jason got me all verklempt. I don't know if it's the lack of estrogen or the let down of post surgery or just a combination of all the bullshit I've endured (most likely) but it's hard to see it coming and control it when it hits. I wonder what it will be like the next few weeks and how the Arimidex will help things (if at all).

I have a few drs appts coming up. Follow up/post op with my OB on March 1, then my oncologist the next day to start Arimidex. The following week I meet with the plastic surgeon to discuss the state of my boobs and then two weeks later one last meeting with the GYN oncologist that did my surgery to make sure things are healing well. So March will be easier, but still riddled with doctors and information. I'm tired just thinking about it. The good news is, mixed in with all of that are a few little getaways. And I'm totally psyched for all of that.

I'll post again soon - like I said each day is getting easier. At least physically.

brief update

2010-02-18T11:11:00.000-08:00

Things went well. Surgery started at 3pm, I woke up in recovery at 7:30 and I was home in bed by 9pm. Really insane when you stop and think about how quick. My dad said I've probably got a boot mark on my ass from the hospital kicking me out the door. It did feel rather rushed. I dry heaved in the bathroom while trying to pee before I was discharged. The nurse stuck an alcohol swab on my nose and handed me an emisis basin for the ride home. I heaved again at home a couple of times and then it passed. Sleep was hard the first night. I had terrible pains in my shoulder from the gas they used to blow up my belly. But it's gone now and last night I slept much better. I think the toughest thing so far has been Minna! She is so confused about why mommy can't pick her up or cuddle with her. This morning she tried to sneak back in the house to stay with me, hoping Jason wouldn't notice. It broke my heart.

I'm tired, but feeling way better today than yesterday. I look forward to tomorrow. More soon...

feed me seymour

2010-02-15T16:41:00.000-08:00

It's 4:40pm, I've made it with no food, only chicken broth, apple juice and water since I woke up this morning. It's just like Yom Kippur except I'm not exactly atoning for my sins. Haven't I already paid my dues? I'm starving and it doesn't help when you have to feed your kids or be around them while they are eating. Luckily Jason was home for most of the day today and he was on meal duty.

Surgery is at 2pm tomorrow. I have to be at the hospital at noon. I am hoping to be home by 8 or 9 tomorrow night. We'll see. I will post when I'm up to it, hopefully Wednesday. Thanks everyone for your continued support.

making the most of it

2010-02-13T19:25:00.000-08:00

It's been a busy and fun filled week. Some nice lunch dates, lots of projects around the house, and lots of pampering. Mixed in with that was a pre-op appointment which lasted 2 hours and 45 minutes (as long as the damn surgery is supposed to be!). For those of you wondering, I have decided to go for the total hysterectomy (tubes, ovaries, uterus, etc.). I just feel better knowing I have eliminated all those unnecessary organs as possibilities for future problems. It's still outpatient, laparoscopic, which is just crazy to me. Basically they make two incisions on either side of my belly button and then another hole in my belly button for the camera. They blow up my abdomen with CO2 to make it like a dome and then the little robot equipment goes to work. They remove everything vaginally, so there's no major incision. I'll be unable to drive or lift anything heavy (including Minna) for 2 weeks, plus or minus a few days. I've made a ton of arrangements with my fabulous family to help with meals and rides. The pre-op appt was intense. Blood work, chest xray, meeting with anesthesia and a nurse from "surgery education". They go over EVERY SINGLE detail about your health. And of course my medical condition and history is way more complicated than the last time I had surgery. I have to be at the hospital at noon on Tuesday. The biggest bummer is that all day Monday I can only drink clear liquids, I can't eat any solid food. And then starting midnight Monday night, I can only drink water or apple juice, up until 10 am Tuesday morning. So I will basically be a raving bitch starting at about 10am Monday morning.... I should be home Tuesday night if everything goes according to plan.

In preparation for the operation I have been treating myself quite well. Mani/pedi, facial, yoga and some good swims (another one hopefully tomorrow). Yesterday I took Talia ice skating, just the two of us, and we had a blast! This morning was her intro to dance class which is fun and then my niece's 2nd birthday party. Tomorrow Talia has a playdate in the morning and a Valentine's Tea Party at our neighbor's house in the afternoon. Monday is another birthday party. So it's a full weekend, but I'm enjoying the time with the family. It's amazing, we told Talia over lunch today about my surgery and she's such a seasoned vet with this stuff. She asked a few questions and then moved on. It's a relief to have it out there and not have to whisper about everything. But of course I'd rather not have to put her or any of us through this again.

I've been working on a post that talks about all the good that has come out of this experience. It will be good to focus on that after this final surgery is over. Soon.

silence is golden

2010-02-08T19:32:00.000-08:00

I've not got much to report since my last post. I am feeling OK. Well, pretty good relatively speaking. I am still tired and REALLY achy. The joint pain hasn't subsided, and I'm thinking perhaps a call to the oncologist might be in order soon. It seems as though it's gotten worse and I'm hoping it will wear off soon. It's so bad that even getting up from eating dinner is hard - you can practically hear my joints creaking. Oy.

I have been busy. This past weekend was one of the best I've had since before all of this shit descended upon us. Tot Shabbat dinner at Talia's school on Friday, a new dance class for Talia Saturday morning, lots of work on the house and dinner with my family on Saturday. Yesterday we went to a super bowl baby shower and it felt nice to be social (so what if I spent a lot of the time in the kids tree house).

I am getting my sea legs back in terms of being with the girls. I am doing more with both of them on my own and it's getting easier. They both seem so happy to have time with just me. It's literally been 6 months of me not being able to handle both of them on my own so having dinner tonight just the three of us was such a treat. They behaved wonderfully and we ended up having a macarena dance party in the living room after dinner (one of the songs/dances Talia learned this past weekend).

I plan to take full advantage of the rest of this week and get as much fun stuff under my belt before next Tuesday gets here. And then I know it's really only 2-3 weeks of feeling like shit. I am quite certain I can handle that.

Out with the old

2010-02-02T11:33:00.000-08:00

Normally Tuesdays are devoted to lab work and scrambling to get all my errands run since it's the day of the week when I have the most energy. As a way to acknowledge the fact that I don't have to do labs OR chemo anymore, I just finished cleaning out my medicine cabinet of all the drugs I was taking the last 6 months. DISGUSTING. Zofran, Compazine, Emend, Decadron, bla bla bla. I was so excited to dump that shit out!

Sunday was my first day back in the pool since before Christmas. I was nervous about going, kept making up excuses. Jason finally convinced me I just needed to get off my ass and go (in a supportive way of course) so we went together and as soon as I hit the water and started moving, I felt better. Of course it's slow going. I only managed 10 laps on Sunday and then today I think it may have been less than that, but hey - I'm pretty psyched to say that 6 days after my last chemo I am back in the pool at all!

I have a LONG list of projects I hope to accomplish around the house in the next 2 weeks but I am also allowing myself to rest, relax and read. I have been reading some great books recently. Currently, I'm reading The Help and it's amazing. Before that was People of the Book which I also loved and before that was City of Thieves, a fun, quick read. It's nice to have room in my brain to stay focused on a story line and follow it through. That was hard while I was on AC.

Anyways, things are moving along. Two weeks from today is my surgery. I will be working on a schedule for coverage and help with the kids, etc. today and tomorrow and figuring out all the logistics. I won't be able to drive or lift Minna for two weeks which sucks, but as with everything else, I know I will get through it.

Off to lunch - more later...

on the other side

2010-01-28T19:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday felt great in so many ways and at the same time it felt scary and a bit sad. Kind of a weird feeling to be sad leaving the chemo ward. Nurse Cherie said it well: "When you are faced with a life threatening crisis like cancer, having a chemo regimen gives you a sense of security and when chemo ends you lose that sense of security". I couldn't agree more. I had a nice goodbye with the nursing staff. Jason walked around with the tray of cookies I made and shared them with the other patients while I finished my infusion.

We left the hospital and had lunch at our favorite spot, O'Chame. Then we went to IKEA and bought a few small items for the house. I came home and napped while Jason picked up Talia and then we headed out to Brennans for a small, low key celebration with family and a few friends. It was fun and exciting to finally be at the point of being able to say goodbye to chemo but man was I tired. I slept like a log last night and have felt pretty good all day. I feel like I'm in this weird state of exhaustion mixed with total hyperspastic energy. I had a VERY productive day and cooked a nice dinner. It's nice to think about the fact that from here on out each day I will start feeling better and better.

I've got three weeks to enjoy things until my next surgery. I plan to get back in the pool (I haven't been swimming since before Christmas!) and visit with friends a lot these next few weeks. And then I can start planning some nice things for the month of March. I am really looking forward to having the time and energy to focus on my body and my health.

Once again, I just need to take a moment to thank my incredibly large community of support. Without all of you these last 6 months would have been impossible. The parents at Talia's school have been wonderful. All of our family and their endless time and energy with the girls has been invaluable. I am incredibly proud of how well Talia and Minna have handled these last 6 months. Talia was soooooooo excited at my party last night. She made me a breast cancer ribbon pin out of model magic and I love it. And to all my friends who have sent me emails, texts, wrote on my wall on facebook, sent cards in the mail, etc. it's made all the difference in the world.

And last, to Jason: We've been married almost 7 years. I've been so happy having you as my partner all this time, but these last 6 months have TRULY proven what a great team we make and just how lucky I am to have found you and married you. I love you.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I Love Ya! Tomorrow, You're Only a Day Away!

2010-01-26T09:00:00.000-08:00

We've been singing a lot of Annie songs recently, figured this was a good one to have stuck in my head!

home stretch - hallelujah!

2010-01-24T14:10:00.000-08:00

I've bounced back from this last infusion much more quickly than in weeks past. The fatigue hasn't been quite such an ass-kicker. But I am noticing other side effects that are actually quite annoying. My joints ache SO bad, even when I get up from sitting for a mere 5 minutes. A hot shower every morning helps, but by the end of the day, walking up the stairs is a chore! I am also feeling some neuropathy in my fingers and a weird ache/pain in all my toes. And last, (hopefully!) is some weird vision stuff. A couple of times now I've woken up in the morning and my right eye is completely dark. It lasts for about 30 seconds and then it comes back into light. But it's a trip, I get confused thinking I just haven't opened my eyes. I saw the eye doc yesterday for my annual exam and he said it's unlikely that it's connected to chemo but I'm hoping it will clear up within the next few weeks. All these symptoms creeping up at the tail end of this shit makes me grateful that it only lasts 12 weeks (and maybe it's WHY it only lasts 12 weeks), the body can only take so much abuse.

I've spent some time getting ready for my last day of chemo. I bought the book Living Well Beyond Breast Cancer and have liked what I've read so far. And I've got the gifts for the nurses that I've spent the most time with. Burts Bees skincare gift packs and Peets gift cards. I will bake some cookies to give to the whole infusion center. On Wednesday evening I'm gathering with family and a few close friends at a local restaurant for a small and VERY low key celebration. It will be emotional on many levels, but mostly from the perspective of thanks. I literally would not be here, feeling as optimistic and happy, without the support of everyone around me. Every little bit helps. And hey - keep it coming, the ride's not quite over...

1 more

2010-01-20T13:34:00.000-08:00

When the IV started beeping at the end of my infusion today I told the nurse that the machine was yelling "one more time! one more time!". It was a great feeling. I'm heading for a nap but feel very grateful that my time has been relatively smooth sailing. I am grateful for my family and all of their support. The hours upon hours my local family has devoted to caring for my kids is just incredible. And the long distance love and support from the rest of the family has been a treasure. I've bonded with family members I may not have otherwise and I consider that a gift.

A week from today will be huge. HUGE!

not so fast

2010-01-17T15:35:00.000-08:00

So after my last post I started asking some people about hysterectomy vs oophrectomy and I am getting some mixed information about which is the best path to take. Some survivors are saying a hysterectomy isn't a good idea for various reasons, but mostly - why remove more body parts than are absolutely necessary. And I've been told there is the potential for things like prolapse of other organs without the presence of the uterus. The feedback from the GYN Oncologist and my OB is that the hysterectomy is perfectly fine. But I'm still doing research, so once again, this isn't a straight forward decision and I am feeling overwhelmed.

On Friday there was an article in the NY Times that really hit home. It's all about how to live "well" after breast cancer. And while it was informative and reassuring, I also found it quite depressing. Read it - it's worth it, and I ordered the book upon which the article is based.

So, I'm in the homestretch, but still feel like there is quite a mountain to climb...

next steps

2010-01-14T19:30:00.001-08:00

So my appt with Dr. Ciavarino went well today. Jason was with me, we were ready with our questions. He was very nice and very knowledgeable. He started the appt by explaining how to do the oophrectomy and I asked him why we wouldn't just do a complete hysterectomy and remove everything that is a potential risk for cancer. He said there's nothing wrong with doing that. There's a slightly higher risk of complication from removing uterus, cervix, fallopian tubes and ovaries, as opposed to just ovaries and fallopian tubes. But it's totally reasonable to want to follow that course. I'm looking into this, asking my support group and a few other doctors, just to cover my bases.

As it stands now, my surgery is scheduled for February 16. I asked him why I can't wait a few more weeks so I can really heal from chemo and get my strength back up and he made a great point. Right now, my ovaries are shut down because of chemo. If I wait too long after chemo is over, my ovaries will start working again and I'll have all this estrogen pumping through my body, which we don't want. I'd have to start taking tamoxifen (which is the hormone therapy drug given to people who still have their ovaries) and then once I have my surgery, I'd have to switch to arimidex (given to people without their ovaries). I really don't want to go through having to switch my drug regimen and really it makes sense to just get this all over with. The good news is, by March 1, all the really hard surgery and treatment will be behind me. Then it'll just be my job to repair my body, rest and recover and gain back all the strength and stamina I've lost these last few months. And then I can focus on the reconstruction issues. The hysterectomy is an outpatient procedure (kind of crazy right?!?) Recovery should be a few weeks, but the good news is the whole thing can be done laparascopically so there won't be some nasty abdominal incision like a c-section. That made me happy to hear.

So now there are two dates to look forward to - January 27 and February 17 (the day after surgery). I'll have 3 weeks between these two milestones, and I plan to make the most of them....

almost there

2010-01-13T20:56:00.000-08:00

Today's infusion went well. Easy IV, my two favorite nurses really doted on me and fought over who got to take care of me. I will miss Cherie and Rose a lot, they have been so kind to me. The chemo ward was busy today, and I was surrounded by some pretty unhappy people. One with a persistent cough and one that just looked miserable. In the quad of chairs next door someone fell down and hit her head. It was a huge commotion. It felt like a very unsettling day.

I was happy knowing I only have two more visits, but I feel this deep sense of disappointment tonight. I suppose I am feeling like January 27 doesn't really mean everything is done. It just paves the way for the next round. I worked on my list of questions tonight for my appt tomorrow and I've been busy setting up appts with different docs about my reconstruction issues. So I don't get much of a respite from treatment, it's just a change in scenery I guess. And I feel bummed about that.

Talia was a pill tonight and I was exhausted from chemo so I was not as nice and patient with her as I would have liked. After 40 minutes of her crying in bed, she said "Mommy, let's never have that fight again!"

2 more of everything

2010-01-12T19:57:00.000-08:00

2 more times at the lab to draw blood. Although the phlebotomists are incredibly nice (they remember me and ask about my kids each week) I won't miss making the weekly trek to the lab, driving around looking for parking, etc. After tomorrow, 2 more infusions. We've gotten things down to quite a science, but I won't miss any of it.

This past weekend we celebrated Talia's 5th bday at "Pump It Up" - a giant warehouse full of bouncy houses, obstacle courses and huge slides. It was so fun. Not just for Talia (who trust me, had the time of her life running around with her good friends) but for all the grown ups too. For those of you who have seen me recently, I have been a limp noodle - such low energy. But on Saturday, I feel like I got a shot of adrenalin and was so into all the activities. I woke up Sunday morning so sore but have had more energy the last few days than I have the last few weeks. My blood counts are still pretty pathetic, but so far I haven't been stopped from having chemo. (knock on wood that continues).

I've been collecting my questions for my oncology appointment on Thursday, getting ready for another wave of information and decisions. We are considering whether to wait a few more weeks for this surgery so I give myself a little break between chemo and the next phase. But we'll know more after meeting with Dr. Guiseppe Ciarvino.

We are also dealing with decisions about my implants. I'm feeling a little dissatisfied with the way my "new" boobs look. There is a lot of rippling and weird shaping from the "bags" of saline (the tissue expanders). I can either do nothing, have gel implants put in instead of the saline ones I have now, or go for a more major surgery to move everything under the muscle instead of where it is now, under the skin only. I am not interested in going through another major surgery and recovery (and neither is Jason!) but we are gathering more info about what's involved in the gel implant procedure and whether it's worth it. I realize that in the grand scheme of things, the way my breasts look is not that important but I have another 50+ years to live with these suckers, I might as well do what I can to make them look decent.

I'm itching to get through the next couple of weeks...

3 more weeks! 3 more weeks!

2010-01-06T12:38:00.000-08:00

I think I can I think I can! Another one down today. It was super easy and I was in and out in less than 2 hours again - IV went in nice and easy. I finished my book (City of Thieves - highly recommend it) and caught up on celebrity gossip. I'm home now, and I feel some mixed feelings about being this close to the finish line. Of course of course I am thrilled to think that in 3 weeks I will be able to say I'm done with chemo. But then what? I am scared about what lies ahead and what will fill my days as I'm awaiting surgery. In reality I know I'll have plenty to do, most importantly healing and resting and recharging my oh so depleted battery. But the next phase is of course another unknown and I don't do well with the unexpected.

I am hoping to take a few short trips to visit some friends and family in other parts of California. And once my energy starts to return to normal I am looking forward to spending more time in the pool and losing the 5 or 6 lbs I've gained since I started chemo. I am eating a lot and have not been very active so of course it's gonna effect my metabolism.

We are looking forward to returning to some sense of normalcy, even if it's a "new normal". Up next is the 14th - my appt with the GYN oncologist. We'll see what comes of that...

Happy #5 Talia!

2010-01-05T07:18:00.000-08:00

This is a quick post - mostly to share the joy of today! Talia turns 5 and we are so proud of her! We have a busy day planned - out to breakfast, party at school, pedicure and then dinner at Fatapples. We are enjoying showering T with lots of love and special presents. She is such a big girl!

I am doing OK - the fatigue continues to be a challenge. Yesterday was the first day in 2 weeks that I didn't nap and I was exhausted by 8:30. I'm sleeping better (and more importantly, without any drugs!) which is fabulous. I'm also starting to get REALLY excited for January 27. I really cannot wait for the feeling of walking out of the infusion center for the last time. The nurses there are amazing. I am trying to think of a thoughtful gift to leave with them (other than baked goods) - anyone have any suggestions?

That's all for now - morning duties are calling!

So long 2009, bring on 2010!

2009-12-31T16:25:00.000-08:00

We arrived home from vacation yesterday afternoon. All in all it was nice but at times it was challenging because of my extremely low energy. I couldn't do nearly as much as I would have liked - with the kids, or by myself. The girls didn't sleep great on the trip so everyone was overly tired. But being together without the distractions of everyday life was really wonderful. And I think the best thing was watching Talia and Minna spend so much time together and become closer. At home, they are always flitting about in transition - from school and nanny to playdates and errands and they never get concentrated time together. The bonding on our trip was wonderful to observe. After a 6 hour drive and a quick stop at the lab for my weekly blood draw, we were happy to get home and return to our toys and beds!

Today was my 8th Taxol infusion - which means only 4 left! Hooray! It went without incident, which is always a good thing. I have been having a hard time sleeping (not just because of the girls) but today I came home and took a 90 minute nap which was heavenly. It was a hard re-entry from vacation back to reality but it's nice knowing I can count on one hand the number of infusions I have left.

On the way home from LA yesterday I got a call to schedule my appointment with the GYN oncologist. I see him on January 14 and they have tentatively scheduled my surgery for February 16 but I don't yet know what that surgery will be (whether oophrectomy or hysterectomy) so that is a very tentative date. I want to gather information, possibly seek a second opinion, etc. It's odd that the last time we drove home from LA (on July 5) I got a call from the surgeon telling me it was most likely cancer - what is it about these long drives that always bring about these types of phone calls?!?!

I have mixed feelings about this next step - of course I am happy to keep this treatment train going - why sit around and wait any longer than necessary, but there is a part of me that is sad to think about losing the ability to reproduce and I'm scared about menopause. Sure, I'm having hot flashes, but I have a feeling I ain't seen nothing yet. I'll have a lot more to report after January 14.

And so - goodbye to 2009 - to diagnosis, surgery, AC and 8 of Taxol. Goodbye to the unknown and bad surprises. Hello to 2010! To Talia turning 5 (on Tuesday!), Minna turning 2, Talia starting Kindergarten and Minna starting preschool. Bring on all these happy moments in our lives and mostly, bring on health to me and everyone around me. Have a wonderful new year everyone and thanks for reading this, and sending me all the love, support and wishes you have. It makes a difference each and everyday!

6 & 6

2009-12-21T19:42:00.000-08:00

I head to chemo tomorrow again - one day sooner than usual because we are heading out of town on vacation. That means one less day for my body to recover. My counts were lower today which I'm not surprised about. But recently I've developed some annoying side effects. One is a rash all over my hands which is itchy and hurts. There's nothing to do about it except hydrocortisone cream on it which I don't want to do because my hands are constantly in Minna and Talia's face and I don't want to rub that stuff all over them.... and the other thing is a constant sore throat and raspy voice. As a child I remember going into a closet with my friend Laurel and screaming to try and lose my voice just so I could sound like this. But it's a pain in the ass. I wake up all night long with this awful throat pain and so far nothing I've tried works. I ran the humidifier last night but it made no difference. I'll ask the nurses tomorrow if they have any tricks up their sleeves. I can really see the Taxol taking it's toll on my body. I feel like I'm exhausted round the clock no matter how much sleep I get.

Saturday night we had a nice break from the girls. My mom and Rich took them both overnight and we went out on a double date with some friends to a nice dinner. And before dinner we went and saw An Education which was a great movie. Go see it! I slept 9 hours that night which is the most I've gotten in weeks or months, and when I woke up I felt great. But after my swim that morning, I felt like I needed another nap. The fatigue is just the pits. I can't WAIT for this to be over.

I expect to get a call from the GYN oncologist soon to schedule my appointment to discuss my oophrectomy or hysterectomy. That's the next hurdle to to get past. I'll be happy once I have all the information gathered so I know what/when/how...

We are neck deep in Kindergarten decisions and simultaneously trying to think about summer plans (both vacations and summer camps for Talia)... never a dull moment...

Ode to Cooper

2009-12-17T10:21:00.000-08:00

I'm at my halfway point with chemo - it's all downhill from here! It was the easiest infusion yet - IV went in super easy, in and out of the hospital in under 2 hours. I was there alone too, which at first I thought would be depressing but I actually LOVED being there by myself and I just really relaxed. I read my book (American Wife) and played on my phone and caught up on emails. I'm not saying I want to go by myself every time but having to do it wasn't that bad. Also, the nurse agreed to let me skip the decadron which is the steroid that has been making me feel so buzzed. It made a HUGE difference. I wasn't nearly as hyper as I have been the past few weeks. I felt pretty normal all afternoon and evening. I had trouble sleeping last night but I know there are other reasons for that....

This morning at 3:30 my mom's dog Cooper passed away. He was 15. A beautiful golden retriever. He died peacefully but of course we are all sad. Talia cried a lot this morning and she made my mom a beautiful card. I helped my mom get Cooper to the vet and say goodbye to him. Off to doggie heaven to chase balls and butterflies... We LOVE you Cooper.

And on to another weekend - filled with celebration, dinner dates and holiday festivities. And hopefully a few naps.

Tis the season

2009-12-15T08:53:00.000-08:00

This past weekend was a doozy! We had Hannukah parties both nights and then Jason's birthday was Sunday. Going into the weekend, I was anxious about how I would hold up against all the holiday buzz and it ended up being a mixed bag. Being at big parties with lots of people I haven't seen in a while was challenging. I was insecure about how I looked and found it hard at times to carry on a conversation about "normal" stuff. "What are your plans for new years eve?" oh I'm having chemo that day. Things like that. It just amplified how screwed up life is right now. At one party, a woman I barely know sat down next to me and said "what happened to you, what do you have". It made it hard to just relax and be myself. But, in the end I got through it and managed to enjoy myself for the most part. Having the girls there certainly allowed me a good excuse to quickly exit a difficult conversation without having to think of a reason :-)

Jason's birthday was hard as well. I wanted so badly to make it special and fabulous but being sleep deprived, fighting a cold and being exhausted from 5 weeks of chemo made it very hard to just get up and give it my all. I felt terribly guilty about not coming through the way I normally do for special occasions. Oh, and Minna had ANOTHER fever Sunday so she was extra cranky and clingy. We got through the day and managed to have a nice quiet celebration in spite of all the forces working against us.

Tomorrow is #6. That marks the halfway point for Taxol and only 6 more weeks of chemo F-O-R-E-V-E-R!!!!! My body is REALLY feeling the cumulative effects of the chemo. I just feel achy and sore and tired and irritable all the time. And the hot flashes, don't get me started on the hot flashes. They wake me up at night and I can't figure out how to keep a comfortable temperature. I'm either burning up or freezing! Sleep has been really challenging the last couple of weeks. Either one of the girls is up or I wake up and can't get back to sleep. It's pretty frustrating.

Today I am off to the lab, a swim and pedicure. I am looking forward to an easy, grown-up, take care of me kind of day.

Tomorrow

2009-12-08T19:24:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow will mark 5 months since my diagnosis. In some ways, I can't believe it's ONLY been 5 months, I hardly remember what life was like before July 9. But in other ways, I can't believe how quickly time has passed since that fateful day. The girls were both home sick with me the last two days which have made for some very l-o-n-g days. But thanks to my ever so helpful and willing family I was able to get through it OK. They are both better and will be returning to their routines tomorrow, yay! As we drove home tonight along Grizzly Peak in Berkeley, there were so many houses out with christmas lights. Minna, every time she saw a house all lit up, would yell "more lights!" and wouldn't stop until the next house, and so on... It made for an entertaining ride home. I got lost in my thoughts about how I got from a trip to Hawaii in the midst of the chaos that comes with diagnosis, the hot summer sun, tank tops and sunscreen all the way to snow on the road this morning, uggs and a north face down jacket. I swear I just blinked my eyes.

I think I'm also feeling this significant passage of time because I had an appt with my oncologist today and we talked about my meeting with the GYN oncologist in early January. This is exciting on several fronts - 1) it means I am nearing the end of chemo, which is totally fucking terrific 2) I can get more information on my decision about either having just my ovaries removed (oophrectomy) or a total hysterectomy where they remove my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes and 3) I can start to think about life after cancer treatment. Clearly #3 is the MOST significant point to consider. I can't say there will ever be life "after cancer" but definitely after treatment. There is a difference.

I'm starting to grow some hair back on my head but it's like rabbit fur. The doc said it's not what will stick around. My permanent hair will grow in over it. It's soft and light. Someone said today, "oh it's growing in blond how nice!" Uh. Nope. Honey that's gray. Thanks for being so optimistic but that is all gray. I've been wearing a lot of beanies and getting some compliments on them. I love wearing them, it's so cold (relatively speaking, I know what all my east coast family is thinking when they read this). But I can't imagine wanting to ever wear these hats again when I'm past chemo treatment. Will I?

Tonight I spoke to a friend of a friend, a fellow "warrior" who is going through treatment right now. On Monday she is having her mastectomy and we talked about my experience and I shared some of my strongest points of wisdom with her. I am no expert, I only know my own experience, but it felt so great to share my feelings and advice with her. I remember when I started down this road, I had no clue about anything and I was so grateful to all the women that reached out to me and made time to talk to me. I was so happy to be able to pay it forward...

4 down, 8 to go

2009-12-03T10:12:00.000-08:00

Yesterday went pretty smoothly. My veins cooperated for the most part. My friend Tamar went with me for this round and it was great to have her there. The time passed quickly with her sitting next to me. Thanks for taking off of work to help T!

This week has been highly productive. I got all our hannukah shopping done, including wrapping presents. It starts a week from tomorrow so I'm relieved to have it all out of the way. Jason and I are also neck deep in figuring out Kindergarten plans for Talia for the fall - who knew how time consuming this process would be! And we are also in the midst of some major home repairs that will involve replacing all the siding on one side of the house due to some long term rain damage. Never a dull moment, even on top of my cancer treatment.

It's been nice to finally feel able to think about the future a bit. Planning Talia's birthday party means January is right around the corner, and that means the end of chemo (Jan 27 if it all stays on track). I can't imagine how amazing it will feel to walk out of the infusion center that last day knowing I won't ever have to go back! Of course it's not the end of treatment, but as of now, surgery seems like a cake walk compared to weekly visits and needles and side effects. We'll see if I feel that way when I enter the next phase...

Jason was on a radio show last weekend called "Childhood Matters". It was so amazing to listen to him talk about kids and technology and addiction. I was so proud of him! And so was Talia. We woke up early Sunday morning and listened to him in the living room while we had breakfast. Talia was really nervous for him and Minna just kept walking up to the stereo saying "dada?". He was a natural and I hope it means more opportunities to share his wisdom in this type of venue...

I am looking forward to the weekend. We are taking Talia to see Velveteen Rabbit on Saturday thanks to her loving and generous grandparents. And Jason and I get an overnight date on Friday. Lots to enjoy.

Moving Right Along

2009-11-30T13:26:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. We had a successful dinner at our house (the first time we hosted) and the turkey I co-cooked with my inlaws turned out juicy and delicious! I was thrilled and mostly I was so appreciative of all of our guests for how much everyone pitched in to make it a truly EASY evening. We really spent most of the time just hanging out and being together, exactly what we all wanted.

I am finally feeling better from that cold. It has taken 10 days and I've got some residual symptoms but today was the first day I felt well enough to get back in the pool and swim my 1/2 mile. I was thrilled to get moving again.

It's hard to believe tomorrow is December and Hannukah starts in less than 2 weeks. Time is just moving so quickly, which is truly a blessing. Talia and I started a calendar to hang on the fridge that she can mark off each day to count down to her birthday and also the end of chemo for me. She loves drawing the X through each square and I also find it quite satisfying. :-)

I've got a low key week ahead of me - just taking it easy in the wake of the cold and then Friday Jason have a night away from the girls and we plan to have a nice dinner and hang out and enjoy some time together. Thank you Sue for taking them!

Onward and upward...

Grateful and Gushy

2009-11-24T11:10:00.000-08:00

Bear with me, I feel a gushy post is ahead.

3 down, 9 to go! Why the exclamation point when I am only a fourth of the way there? Well heck I'm trying to push through my funky mood and focus on the good things. Tomorrow being Thanksgiving and all, I have so very much to be grateful for. My infusion today went pretty well. I had a "sub"nurse from the Walnut Creek center and she was very nice but not as familiar with the equipment and as a result we had a little issue with my IV and needless to say there was a lot of blood and a big mess. She felt terrible, I know she really did. It didn't really hurt, but it was just annoying - as if it's not enough to have to deal with chemo every week. She kept apologizing and was very sweet but I am hoping next week Cherie or Rose are back with me again, I like some consistency and efficient nurses are my faves because it means I am in and out as quick as possible. I came home and slept for an hour and now I'm switching gears to start prepping for Thanksgiving. My cold is still center stage but the histamine blocker they gave me as part of my premeds this morning really dried up all the congestion so I'm taking advantage of feeling better while I can.

This Thanksgiving does bring up so many feelings and allows me to really stop and appreciate all the people in my life that have come through for me, mostly in the last 5 months. I won't name everyone, I am certain I'd leave someone out and that isn't my intention. But you know who you are and I love you for all you have done for me. From a hug, a meal, to running an errand, taking care of the girls, chemo visits, listening to me cry, sending me cards or a gift, to that text message at the perfect time just telling me you are thinking of me, oh and to Apple for inventing the iphone - my saving grace every day! - it has ALL played a profound part in my mental health helping me push through this process. And I do see it all as a process.

Last Friday I went to a restorative yoga class that is FABULOUS and the teacher always has something moving to say at the beginning of class. She is a therapist and brings a lot of that softness to her classes. She began talking about gratitude and thanksgiving and my mind started wandering to thinking about what I want to say to my family as we gather around the table. What should I talk about - I no doubt want to acknowledge what everyone has done for me. And then the teacher read this poem and I loved it and I think it's beautiful so I'm sharing it with all of you even though this means my family will know what I'm going to say before I say it. I would like to imagine that at each of your thanksgiving tables someone either silently to themselves or out loud to their loved ones, is saying the same thing and thinking of someone dear to them as they do.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.
- Melody Beattie

I also wanted to share a link to a video that my friend Judy sent me. Her friend's daughter in law created, directed and choreographed this. I hadn't seen it before although now it's making it's rounds on Facebook. It's cute and uplifting..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEdVfyt-mLw

To everyone - I love you, I am thankful for you. Be well and happy this holiday and always. Happy Thanksgiving.

Blue

2009-11-22T19:50:00.000-08:00

The last few days have been really difficult. I have been having some really intense mood swings, feeling really emotional and sorry for myself. I am feeling really overwhelmed by the current state of life and it's been hard to move beyond it. I am also feeling under the weather a bit - Minna's cold has made the rounds. Talia has it, I've got a mild case and Jason seems to have escaped with just a sore throat. Sleep has been challenging in our house so I'm also run down because of that. Put it all together and you get one depressed, weepy and grumpy mama. I am hoping the next couple of days will turn around and I'll be in a better place by Thanksgiving. I still can't believe its that time of year again. I no doubt have a lot to be thankful for - more on that later...

No News is good

2009-11-19T13:29:00.000-08:00

I don't have much to report. Did much better yesterday with the infusion - no problem starting IV and they gave me atarax instead of benadryl which was WAY better and tolerable. Got home around 2 and took a nap and then got up and hung out with the fam for the evening. Today I was up and at it like a normal day. I'm certainly tired and I don't enjoy the weird metallic taste in my mouth. But I can deal....

Minna is still sick but today she is showing signs of improvement, thank goodness. 5 days straight of a clingy, mopey, drippy girl is no fun for any of us. Of course Talia woke up with a sore throat and stuffy nose this morning so I'm just waiting.... and the advice nurse told me I should be wearing a mask and keeping my distance. I laughed at that... I refuse to live in a bubble and keep away from my kids. I will deal with the consequences. Hopefully acupuncture tomorrow will give me the tune up I need to get me through this illness infested house.

I am happy not to have more to report as of now...

Again Already?

2009-11-17T20:17:00.000-08:00

Boy this week FLEW by. I felt mostly great throughout the days post chemo last week. Definitely tired, a couple of days where I had absolutely no taste buds and even water tasted terrible (I happen to love the way water tastes!). But I was able to cook and eat most anything and sleep came easy without any artificial assistance. I went out to a great dinner on Saturday night with Jason and his folks and sister. I got all dressed up and donned my wig and it was a really fun night out. And then Minna got sick. She woke up Sunday morning with a fever and she's still sick. And Talia hasn't been sleeping well so I am severely sleep deprived. I am one who requires 8 hours a night in order to function and be a nice human being and I am quite short on hours the last few days. I hate going into tomorrow feeling so wiped out, but I hope that with the help of the benadryl I will come home and have a nice long nap.

It's been hard adjusting to my new schedule. The week seemed to whiz past me. I now only have two days a week where it seems I feel "normal" and that will take some adjustment. Things just seem so much more hectic - maybe it's just my mood right now though? Having to visit the lab once a week is kind of a pain too. But I know the time will pass quickly.

I am hoping tomorrow will be easier than last week. With half the dose of benadryl perhaps it will not be as big of a production. And I'll be sure to drink lots of water in the morning so my veins don't give the nurses any problems. Now if only my girls would sleep, all would be (almost) right in the world....

So far so good

2009-11-11T16:13:00.000-08:00

So I'm here, online, feeling pretty good. Got to the hospital at 8:45 this morning. Talia was sad to say goodbye to me which made for a hard morning. She said on the way to drop her off, "I don't want you to change more Mommy" and that of course broke my heart. But she was OK once I left and I got a great video clip of her and Minna together while I was sitting in my chemo chair that made me happy, so thank you Sue for sending it!

My infusion started with some difficulty starting my IV - three attempts before they got it right. I jinxed it by asking all about how my veins were going to withstand weekly poking for 3 months and Cherie, the nurse, who I love, said "oh you have great veins, nothing to worry about" and lo and behold, she had to get another nurse to try. So that took 40 minutes, and then they started the IV of all the premeds - decadron and benadryl and one other antihistamine. Apparently with Taxol there is a high risk of anaphylaxis reaction (you stop breathing!) and the antihistamine helps to counteract that. But of course with that, comes some side effects and mine were heavy sleepiness, dizziness and nausea. The scrip was too strong for me and I wound up dry heaving once. So next time they will lower the dose. After 40 minutes of that, they started the Taxol. and Cherie literally sat there staring at me for 20 minutes while they s-l-o-w-l-y dripped the first of the taxol into my body. Any sign of trouble breathing or a myriad of other symptoms, they would stop the IV and flush my body. I seemed to do fine so they sped up the IV and left me for another hour while it did it's job. Jason was with me for most of this, but had to leave to go to work and my mom came a while later to pick me up and take me home. I slept for an hour and a half and woke up hungry and once I ate I felt much better. Here I am now, feeling mostly normal. I just hope tomorrow brings more of the same. Oh, and I also got the H1N1 shot today. Big day for my poor little body.

Taxol Tomorrow

2009-11-10T20:28:00.000-08:00

It's been a nice respite the last 2 weeks. I've felt great. Today I swam 3/4 mile - the most I've ever done. It felt GREAT. I am thrilled that I've felt so good. I only hope that the Taxol is kind to me. I am trying not to feel to anxious about starting up this next phase. I'll be glad when I know what it will feel like and how long it will take to recover between infusions. I am hoping the next three months whiz by. I'd bet with the holidays and all that comes along with them, time will fly. I just want to get to the end of January so I can move on to recovery and say goodbye to this crap!

A co-worker of mine gave me a great graphic novel called "Cancer Vixen" about a cartoonist who is diagnosed with breast cancer. It's the woman's memoir and it's really well done and so interesting to read. It's the first comic book I've been into! Thanks Cheryl for sending it to me - you hit the jackpot with both books. Also, I'll admit, I'm a fan of the show Brothers & Sisters and one of the characters is fighting lymphoma and on the last episode she shaved her head because her hair was starting to fall out from chemo. Jason asked me why in the world I'd want to watch a show like that right now, but for some reason I am hooked. I guess it all seems so realistic and I sure as hell can relate.

I'll be back again on the other side of tomorrow, hopefully feeling just as good as today!

Spa Bound

2009-11-03T13:48:00.000-08:00

I have a week to go before I start Taxol. I am feeling pretty good. I leave for Calistoga in an hour for an overnight with my mom and I'm looking forward to some time away from the kids to just take care of myself. Massages, a nice dinner and some good old relaxation.

Halloween was a great time for all of us. Talia's friend came over to trick or treat with us and Minna really got into the whole scene. She figured out that all she had to do was walk up to people's houses and say "ditt or deat" and they would give her little packages and she would say "dank you" and walk away. She was so into it! The girls got a ton of loot. I was glad my last round of AC was far enough behind me that I felt well enough to get out and walk the neighborhood with them and really enjoy the festivities.

I continue to swim and it's been great. My stamina has improved so much - today I got up to almost 3/4 of a mile and then I got a terrible foot cramp and had to stop. But I'm thrilled with my progress.

Tomorrow my sister and nephew arrive for a visit and we are excited to spend time with them. Talia is SOOOOO excited to see Ethan. We are having a sleepover all together on Friday night which will be a lot of fun.

I am hoping the next week allows me to enjoy the end of the break before I start my next cycle of chemo. I know I will feel a huge sense of relief when I see how bad it makes me feel....

Out and Back

2009-10-29T08:50:00.000-07:00

It's been a week, and as my wise cousin Erica said, just focus on October 29 because by then you will feel like yourself again. She was so right! I woke up this morning and despite feeling tired from our little 18 month old rooster waking up at 5:40, I feel MUCH more like me. I am getting ready to go for a swim in a few minutes which will be fabulous. One of the most annoying and persistent side effects I've had is this awful feeling of total body bruising. I don't know if it's from the neupogen shots or the chemo itself but my upper body and face have felt like someone attacked me with a hammer. There is no visible bruising but even the softest lightest touch is really painful. Today it is gone so the idea of getting into lukewarm water and moving my body sounds appealing.

It's been a tough few days emotionally. I'm surprised, I figured that after AC was over, I would feel this huge sense of relief and a feeling of completion and joy. Of course I'm happy that I can put that chapter behind me, but I feel very emotional about my entire state of being right now. I've had more moments in the last few days of "wow, I have cancer" and feeling sorry for myself than I have in the last couple of months. I think there is a part of me that expected for AC to end and to be able to pick up my life again, but the reality is, with the start of Taxol on November 11, I will have two visits to the hospital each week (one for blood work the day before) and there is now another layer of unknown. I don't know what Taxol will do to my body. Physically, I've been feeling pretty OK about how I feel. I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes. But the Taxol could very well get rid of them. I've been feeling really self conscious about my appearance. I can see my brows are thinning and my lashes are falling out. I am not looking forward to looking more sick than I already do.

I also feel like when all this chemo is behind me, how will I know it worked? There isn't some test they can do to say "good job, all that suffering paid off, and you are cancer free". I just have to have blind faith that it was all for a good cause and go about my life. Of course of course of course it's all worth it, but it still seems ludicrous.

I am grateful beyond words for my girls and Jason. Talia and Minna make me smile a dozen times a day and keep me motivated and active and happy. Jason is the biggest blessing in my life. Yesterday we spent the day together - we drove out to Pt. Reyes and had lunch at our favorite diner and took a little walk. We spent the whole time talking about life and all of our big decisions and my illness and our relationship and it was an absolutely perfect day. On the way back we picked up the girls, took Talia for a haircut and I cooked a nice dinner. It was really a wonderful day. I do love my family.

Status Quo

2009-10-25T20:45:00.001-07:00

It's Day 4. I am a little worse today, but still more functional than Day 4 of any other cycle. I still can't figure out what the difference is, but it's been nice being a little more with it all weekend, a little more present with the girls and Jason. I did bath and bedtime tonight and while it kicked my butt, it did feel good to be 90% there for the girls and give Jason a break.

A couple of funny things from Talia over the last few days. Last night she was eating a burrito for dinner and the burrito was standing up on end on her plate. The tortilla flopped over and a bunch of rice started falling down off the tortilla. She said "Look, my burrito has chemo" because it looked like the burrito was losing it's hair. It was such a funny moment. I loved that she was able to make a joke about. And earlier this week she just came out and asked me "Mommy how many more days will you have breast cancer?". I couldn't answer that question. It got me a little choked up, but we scooted on past it and she moved onto something else to focus on.

While I really am relieved to be done with AC, I can't help but feel this sense of dread about the start of Taxol. Once a week for 3 months? How it will affect my body? Will my veins withstand all the IV poking and prodding? I'm trying not to dwell too much on it just yet - I need to ride out the next few days, but sitting at home resting all day doesn't give my mind much else to think about.

I am looking forward to the coming week and getting back to my old self. I don't have a whole bunch planned because I assumed I would feel pretty shitty for most of the week. But Halloween will be a nice distraction this weekend. If nothing else, I know I'll be ready to eat a lot of candy!

Day 3

2009-10-24T14:17:00.001-07:00

Still feeling surprisingly well. I don't know what the magic potion is, but I'm not fighting it. It helped that the girls both slept through the night. I got a good 8 hours of sleep and I've managed to eat a pretty normal diet today. I am tracking my food for the Pathways study and I'm happy to see on paper that on the days post chemo I'm still eating regular food. I made this HUGE batch of Magic Mineral Broth and there is no way I will eat it all since "normal" food actually sounds appealing.

Last night I made it to restorative yoga and it felt terrific! My lovely mother-in-law came with me and it was sooooo relaxing. I love the instructor and my body just soaked in all the goodness. I wish I could go everyday! Hopefully tomorrow I can go for a swim. That would be a treat.

I am heading out for a visit to my mom's and to pick up the girls. Another good sign - I want to be with people. Who'd have guessed round 4 would bring better days than the last time.

C4 D2

2009-10-23T10:06:00.001-07:00

Well I don't know about you but I'm pleasantly surprised at how well I feel this morning. I was pretty miserable during the infusion yesterday, I literally got nauseous walking into the hospital. I was really really dreading it. We were in and out in 2.5 hours which was nice. I was wiped out and in bed by 1:30 and at 3:45 I had my first spell of dry heaves. Another one an hour later and then I took some compazine and passed out for almost 2 hours. When I woke up I felt a lot better and Jason and I took a walk around the block and enjoyed the gorgeous sunset. We hung out and watched a few shows together and I was in bed by 9:30. This was a first for day of chemo. I was usually knocked out the whole afternoon. I slept for 10 hours (the most sleep I've had in one night in I can't even tell you how long!). This morning I woke up and had a good breakfast and and now I'm trying to decide what to do with myself today. Swim? Yoga? Walk? or just lay on the couch. I am surprised at how well I feel and I don't want to push my luck. There's always laundry to keep me busy...

Of course I am ecstatic that this is my last round of AC - I couldn't be more pleased to say goodbye to the disgusting red drug that literally just made me gag as I thought about it. But now I am starting to think about the Taxol. I start with that on November 11. It's weekly and I have no idea what side effects I will be faced with. So another waiting game begins, but for now I will try not to think too much about it and just get through the next few days.

Anyways, I'm very relieved to have the majority of this particular drug behind me and look forward to my up days which will hopefully start on Tuesday or Wednesday. There are lots of fun things coming up that I can look forward to - Halloween, my sister and nephew's visit and the holidays. I certainly will have lots to celebrate and be thankful for this year.

My love to everyone for all of your amazing, continued support....

Tick Tock Tick Tock

2009-10-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

Yes, the clock is ticking. I am trying so hard not to think about Thursday but then again I am wanting to fast forward to a week from Thursday so I can be done with this stinking drug!

Had a lovely weekend with my dad and the girls. Unfortunately they both got sick so we spent A LOT of time around the house. But we all survived cabin fever. Minna is on the mend, Talia is back at school and so far I am feeling healthy. I just hope I remain that way so I can proceed with chemo on Thursday and move on!

We have major leaks in our windows at home which is a pain in the ass to deal with on top of everything else going on. But I suppose it's acting as somewhat of a distraction (albeit a potentially expensive one).

I plan to spend the next few days taking care of some outstanding projects around the house and elsewhere. I will go for a swim, run some errands and rest up. My cousin Robin comes into town on Wednesday and I'll have one evening of feeling good to spend time with her and then it's off to the clouds for another week.

More later...

Kicking Cancer's Ass

2009-10-14T15:53:00.000-07:00

I have been cooking some the last few days. Soup, brownies, and today I made white chili and parmesan chicken. Chili is to have around the house for my dad's visit and the chicken is for tonight. As I laid the chicken breasts under the wax paper to pound them out, I started really getting into it. I mean I used both hands and just started wailing on the breasts. Hey if I don't have breasts of my own (at least not real ones) I figured I might as well go to town on the ones right in front of me and let out some of my feelings!

I've been really feeling quite well the last few days. The camping trip with Talia's class was a success, if you call getting 4 hours of sleep and freezing my ass off a success. The kids had a blast, the parents had a great time hanging out and the effort put forth by everyone was remarkable. The community at Talia's school is really amazing.

I am trying not to think about a week from tomorrow and my last round of AC. Sure I'm excited that it's my last round but I'm DREADING the side effects. They were so much more intense this last round, I can only imagine what it will be like this time. Although I do plan on asking for Zofran which I declined the last two times because it gave me a headache the first go round. I mean really Jen, what's a damn headache compared to heaving for 8 hours straight?!?!?

I've been swimming and done some mild pampering the last few days. I've been trying to get my brain engaged in some of the things I've let slide the last few months - money, the house, etc. While I'm up, I might as well make up for lost time.

Tomorrow my dad arrives for a couple of days and then my friend Julie comes into town to run a half marathon and visit with me. I'm looking forward to both visits. And then I'll have 3 days to enjoy before I go into my rabbit hole again.

Back in Action

2009-10-08T19:24:00.000-07:00

Phew, today I finally feel human again. Yesterday was a big improvement. Acupuncture helped quite a bit. I had a lovely lunch with my aunt Debbie and then home to recover. Today I woke up with an appetite and energy. I took the girls to school, swam laps with Jason, had a lovely lunch with my mom and shopped with her for a while. It was a lovely day, although it's now 7:30 and I'm already in my pjs ready for bed. But it's certainly progress, and boy was I ready for it.

I finished my neupogen injections last night and I sure wasn't sad to see those go. They got to be painful and just plain annoying. I have two weeks to fully enjoy myself before heading back into the fog one last time, and then it's on to Taxol - but I'm not going there yet!

This weekend is an overnight camping trip with Talia's preschool class in Tilden Park and I also get to visit with my oldest friend Laurel and her twin 2 yr olds and 6 month old baby for part of the weekend. I am looking forward to being social and active. Next week my dad comes for a visit which I am really excited for. October is in full swing.

I need to thank everyone who emailed me earlier this week when I was in the trenches feeling like dog poop. Your words of wisdom, pats on the back, virtual hugs, etc. were really helpful in reminding me that I'm not alone. If I could hug each of you in person I would do it. Having this network of support is so amazing and I can't imagine going through all of this without you. I love all of you!

It's Getting Old...

2009-10-06T11:17:00.001-07:00

It's really the first time I'm feeling like I am so over all of this. It's Day 6 and I am sick of feeling like shit. I'm definitely better than this weekend but the all over body aches, and neupogen injections (which hurt like a #$#%$%$ last night!) and the overall fatigue is just really getting old. I have been so proud of my attitude and happy with how I've been handling everything but last night and today I just feel done. I think it's partly to do with the fact that I only have 1 more cycle of AC to go and so I can see the first light at the end of the tunnel. And I also feel the cumulative effect of the fatigue. It feels more severe than last time and definitely since the time before that.

Not much else to say at the moment, I am still home, taking advantage of a quiet house and a lot of rest but I'm getting the itch to get out, and I don't quite have the energy to match the desire. I tried to nap this morning but no dice, I'll give it another go this afternoon. I'm hoping to be better tomorrow so I can go swimming...

Until then...

C3 D3

2009-10-03T16:44:00.000-07:00

Today has been a moderately functional day. I've taken two long naps, a walk around the block with my folks, done two loads of laundry and made myself some food to eat. I've even managed to watch some cooking shows which means my stomach can't be too wonky. I am lonely without Jason and the girls home to fill the quietness, but at the same time I don't think I'd be too much fun around them yet. I need space and peace right now. They are due home in an hour which will be nice.

Last week I was blessed with a visit by dear friend Jenna and her darling twin boys Max and Cole. Here is a pic to show the fun we had! (and one of me from a night I felt well enough to cook a three course meal for my parents and Jason). - Random yes, but I look healthy so I'm sharing it anyways!

Here I am again on my own

2009-10-02T12:06:00.000-07:00

I awakened this morning after a rough night of puking every hour until 12:30. My meds finally kicked in (yay!) and I slept until 8:15. Jason was long gone to work and the girls spent last night with my inlaws so I was in a quiet empty house. I immediately felt so alone which made me feel sad, but then I found a note from Jason which I swear he must have snuck back home to leave me after hearing my thoughts. It said "you are not alone, we are all here with you" or something to that effect. I do love that husband of mine. And then as I turned on my phone I got 10 or so texts/emails from friends and family checking in, photos of the girls looking quite happy doing there thing. And now my friend Molly is on her way over for a brief visit. So indeed I am not alone today.

The night was rough but I've been able to keep down a piece of toast and apple juice and I'm about to tackle some matzoh ball soup. We'll see how that goes. I'm just pushing through the next 4 days...

More later....

The Dreads

2009-09-30T15:56:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not dreaming of growing my hair long so I can have dreadlocks, I am dreading tomorrow. Round 3 of AC. This means only one more dose of this nasty drug at the end of the month and then I'll move onto Taxol. But I am NOT looking forward to tomorrow. When I think too much about it, I literally get a wave of nausea and can taste the bright red drug in the back of my throat. Gotta love the way the brain captures those oh so lovely memories and brings them back to haunt you!

I tried to enjoy my day. Took Talia to school and Minna to Shayna's house (where we do our nanny share 3 days a week). When we pulled up at their house, Minna started crying "no no no!" which of course breaks my heart but I know she was fine once I left. Then on to acupuncture, always a nice time for me. I get a nice snooze on the table and feel good for the rest of the day. Next stop, Kaiser, for my blood draw. My WBC was still low - but just within the range. I will resume neupogen injections this weekend to give my battery a little boost. I had lunch on my own and visited with Tamar for a bit and then came home.

I've been busy working on these questionnaires for a breast cancer study I agreed to do through Kaiser. It's the Pathways Breast Cancer Survivorship Study. It's sponsored by a bunch of organizations - American Cancer Society, National Cancer Institute and the Breast Cancer Research Program of Department of Defense. Its purpose is to determine whether breast cancer prognosis can be influenced by lifestyle or biological factors, such as genetics or tumor characteristics. I am asked a bunch of questions about my diet, emotional state, they take a sample of my saliva and the cancer tissue that was removed during my surgery, and take a bunch of measurements all over my body. I met with the research person yesterday and answered a number of questions in person and was given a stack of questions to answer on my own. It's interesting, and so long as the grant keeps being funded, I'll continue to participate and answer follow up questions on the anniversary of my diagnosis.

I am hoping to embrace the rest of today and have a nice evening with Jason and the girls. I hope for an easier cycle this time, with a quicker bounce back to normalcy. I am more prepared than last time - I've got ginger ale and crackers in my house, but mostly I just want the time to pass by quickly so I can get to Wednesday of next week and feel human again.

Day of Atonement

2009-09-28T18:16:00.001-07:00

Today is Yom Kippur. The holiest day of the Jewish year. You are supposed to fast from sundown last night until sundown tonight. I am not fasting this year, I feel the need to take advantage of my appetite on the days I feel like eating. And keep up my strength and good health to prepare for Thursday. I had plans to go to services this evening and leave the girls with my dear sis-in-law but Talia woke up not feeling well and I decided I should be home with her. I feel so much desire to be with my kids in a more intense way than ever before. It's taken me by surprise, but in a wonderful wonderful way.

According to Jewish tradition, God inscribes each person's fate for the coming year into a "book" on Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish new year, which is always 10 days prior to Yom Kippur) and waits until Yom Kippur to "seal" the verdict. During the Days of Awe, a Jew tries to amend his or her behavior and seek forgiveness for wrongs done against God and against other human beings. (I am not this religious, I'm taking this from Wikipedia so it's all accurate). I am taking this opportunity to atone for my sins and seek forgiveness from all of my wonderful family and friends who I may have had fights or disagreements with, whose feelings I may have hurt or ignored or offended in any way. It is during times like this that make you really think about your relationships and you realize how important it is to treat people with respect and kindness all of the time. I continue to be blown away by the support and generosity of everyone I know (literally). From Katie, who I haven't seen since Talia was 5 months old and knit me a beautiful hat to keep my head warm to Teri in Florida who's daughter and I were friends when we were younger who has sent me cookies and a wonderful book on breast cancer for kids, and to Jen J. in SoCal who ran the Komen race in my honor, even though we haven't spoken or seen each other in 8 years. The list goes on and on, my intention is not to omit anyone, it's to point out how grateful I am that people that I barely know, or who I haven't talked with in years, are still supporting me and cheering me on.

To my friends and family and co-workers and acquaintenances, I love you all and appreciate everyone so very much. May you all be inscribed in the Book of Life and have a healthy and joyous new year (Jewish or not!)

Blissed Out

2009-09-24T19:06:00.000-07:00

What a lovely day today was! Talia flew down to my sister's in Irvine this morning with Bubba (my mom) and I am so proud of her for being so brave in leaving us for 2 nights and 3 days! What a big girl! I left Minna with Phulam (our relatively new nanny) and went to swim laps with Jason. We had a lovely lunch at O'Chame on 4th Street -YUM! and then I had a wonderfully amazing facial and after that, an indulgent mint pedicure. Wow! I wouldn't be able to indulge like this without the generous and thoughtful gifts from my family and friends. It is amazing how relaxed and stress free I feel this evening. I came home to the happiest Minna I've seen in weeks. She and Phulam seemed to have really bonded today and she even walked for her and took a bottle (both things she really only does in the presence of people she feels really comfortable with). Minna and I had a terrific evening together and I was able to give her my undivided attention. I read her a ton of books and spent a long time giving her a bath. I am amazed at how much I am soaking in all the little things in life....

More to come!

All in moderation

2009-09-22T16:00:00.000-07:00

I am back online at home. It took some creative thinking to connect a PC monitor to a MAC computer but here we are back in action. Yay!

I just returned from a fun filled solo adventure to the city to do some retail therapy (something I don't treat myself to very often at all and today was a big splurge for me) and then a brief visit with my lovely MoFo Family. It was great to see everyone and thank them all in person for their loyal and generous support.

I am feeling quite good this week. Coming out of this last round of chemo was more challenging in some ways, but I'll attribute most of that to the stomach flu everyone was hit with on the same night as my chemo. Nice timing, huh? Everyone is still recovering which means it was a nasty little bug. I dry heaved the night of my chemo but I don't know whether to credit the drugs or the bug, and really, does it matter?

On Sunday, Jason and I got some much needed alone time and we went and swam laps. It's my second time doing it and I really enjoy it. Being in the water is so soothing and it's a great way to build up my stamina and get some strength and mobility back in my arms. After our swim he shaved the rest of my head, and I mean with a razor. I have one bald ass head now. I was actually surprised at how much hair I still had after 4 weeks, but it was patchy and brittle and painful. As weird as it is to look at myself in the mirror and see this white dome, it feels much cleaner. The rest of this week is devoted to healing and pampering. Facial, massage and mani/pedi. I never used to indulge like this but each special thing I do for myself makes me feel less stress and more at peace and that is very powerful.

It's hard to believe that round 3 is a week from Thursday. The cycles seem to be zooming past so quickly. That's good, because it means October 22 will be here before I know it and then I won't ever have to think about AC and red liquid being injected into my veins ever ever again. Between now and then I will get a visit from my friend Molly, my father and my friend Julie. Each will be very special for me.

Minna walks a bit more each day, mostly prompted by the soundtrack to high school musical. She sees Talia dancing and gets up and walks over to her and then Talia takes her hands and they dance together. Jason and I sat on the couch the other day watching them move their bodies together and it was such a happy moment. I could feel my smiles zapping all the little cancer cells and bringing more strength to my body with each little shake of our beautiful girls' hips.

Family Photo Shoot

2009-09-16T14:47:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, after my birthday and my head shaving, our dear friend Deborah came over and took some very moving pictures of the four of us. These pictures capture all the feelings we are experiencing through this journey. We are tender, fragile, brave, strong, fierce, silly, touched, and most importantly, very in love. Our family unit has grown so strong through this experience. Here are a few of the shots, soon to be featured on our living room wall. Deborah, thank you. In 2 hours, you captured a lifetime of emotions. We love you!

Back to Life

2009-09-16T10:27:00.000-07:00

I am really missing my computer - I think we are almost back up and running at home! It's been 7 days since my infusion and I am still tired, but feeling so much more human. My appetite is certainly back, and it seems to have taken less time this go round than last. I am craving protein and dairy like a mad woman! It was a rough weekend for the entire Brand clan. Minna started puking Thursday night and it just went down hill from there, Talia, then my in-laws and sister in law and now my mom has it. YUCK! Minna is still totally lethargic but I am hoping she will bounce back very soon.

Today I took Talia to school and spent about 20 minutes with her talking with parents, writing a letter with her and hanging out. I am loving the ability to take my time and cherish these moments.

I've had some lovely visitors and the delicious meals continue to nourish our bodies and souls. I am so grateful for everyone's generosity and effort in feeding us (and schlepping out to Richmond to deliver the meals!).

It's a beautiful day outside and I'm determined to go make the most of it, more later....

C2 D3

2009-09-12T17:32:00.001-07:00

That's Cycle 2, Day 3. It's a good sign I'm even interested in posting today. Jason, bless his heart, took the girls to his parents house at 9:30 this morning and I've had the whole day to myself. I have taken two long naps, had one lovely visit from Sarah and managed to make myself two meals and do some laundry. Next up, a bath, and then the girls will be home for bedtime.

This round didn't start off so hot. I came home Thursday night and my dear friend Jessica came to keep me company while Jason was presenting his first fall workshop. Around 8pm I started dry heaving and it lasted on and off until 2am. Not fun. Coincidentally, Minna, who was sleeping at my in-laws, was vomiting all night too. So I am not sure if I was experiencing a variation of the same bug as her or just part of this round of chemo. Not that it matters, it's behind us now, thank goodness.

My head is getting more bald. I'm surprised I still have any hair left. There's quite a bit, but then again I started out with a shitload of hair on my head! I've got a few big bald patches and my head is really cold when I go bare around the house. I'm getting the hang of tying scarves. And going out in public isn't as big of a deal as I had anticipated. Each hurdle I get over is a relief.

I am happy to say that I am halfway through the AC part of this drug bath. The harsher of the two cocktails. The taxol will start 1 week after my last AC round and that won't be as hard on my body, but it will be weekly which means I'll spend more time at the hospital for 12 weeks. Oh well - just get me through.

I spent time during my infusion on Thursday learning how to do the self-injections so tonight I will start the neupogen shots. Jason and I both practiced and the nurse watched us to make sure we understood the steps. Apparently this stuff is like liquid gold so I've got to be really careful not to waste anything. I have to say there is never a dull moment with chemo!

I'm reading a book right now called "Nordie's at Noon" which sounds really hokey but a colleague of mine sent it to me (thank you Cheryl, if you are reading this!) and it's really been insightful. It's about 4 women around 30 years old who were all diagnosed with various kinds of breast cancer. Once a month they meet at Nordstroms Cafe for lunch and discuss their individual journeys. They decided to write a book about it and I've learned a lot from them. Perspective is everything.

I'm looking forward to getting past the next 3 days and getting out and about again. My strength and energy is pretty low. Even folding laundry was tiring. I'm off to take a bath before the kids come home for bed.

More later, as always.

Round 2

2009-09-09T18:37:00.000-07:00

So this is a rush post - our Mac monitor died and I only have a minute on this computer to send an update. I've had a good couple of days. My hair is really coming out. I've sported different scarves the last 2 days and I'm getting used to going out about town with my new look. It's not so bad!

Minna started walking on Friday which is great, a wonderful boost to my mood indeed! Talia is back at school and Minna started with a new nanny yesterday and she's adjusting wonderfully.

I go for my next round of chemo tomorrow. I'm not thrilled, but I am looking forward to being able to say I'm halfway through with AC when I go home tomorrow. I met with my oncologist this morning and we went through my list of questions/side effects. She was quite pleased with my current state. I had my blood drawn right before my appt with her. And after I left I got an email with the results and it looks like my white blood cell count is really low. So starting next week I'll be trained on how to self-inject Neupogen which is a drug that will help boost my WBC (white blood cell) count enough so I can stay on track with my treatment. I don't know more than that right now, but when I go into the hospital tomorrow for my infusion I will get the 411.

More later, when I've got access to the computer again....

Re-Birth

2009-09-05T06:04:00.000-07:00

Today I am 36. And BALD! It's 6am, Saturday morning. I woke up at 5:30 to Minna crying (she often does this, but we don't go get her until 6:30). I've been having these weird dizzy spells where if I lay in one position for too long, I get really dizzy and it's making it hard to sleep. Not sure what it's from, but I'll be sure to mention it to my oncologist on Wednesday.

Yesterday, after a lovely visit from my friend Ruth, Jason, Talia, Minna and I went into the backyard and shaved my head. Talia and I put on the t-shirts from Molly that say "Fight like a girl" with the breast cancer ribbon. Talia was the official photographer. Jason and I took turn with the clippers. It took about 30 minutes to get everything off (man did I have a lot of hair!). Prior to going outside, we talked with Talia and explained to her that the chemo medicine makes my hair fall out and because of that, we are going to shave off all my hair. She gave a little nervous laugh and when we asked her if she wanted to watch and be a part of the shaving, she immediately said yes. She held the mirror for me so I could watch as the hair fell off my head.

As time wore on, she got more and more upset. And Minna, sitting on the lawn to my side, just kept looking at me like "what the hell are you doing mommy?". She did a lot of crying and laughing too. At one point, I took the clippers from Jason and he took Minna and pushed her around on one of her little cars and Talia swung in the hammock. I looked up at Jason while the buzz of the clippers was in my ears and said "This is lovely, I'm shaving my head and the three of you are over there acting like this is the most normal thing in the world". Hilarious! We both laughed about it.

Once we were done, Talia wouldn't come near me or talk to me. She went over to the hammock and sulked. I started to cry. But I gave her space, knowing she would come around eventually. Sure enough about 2 minutes later, she asked for some alone time with me. I took her upstairs and told her to wait 5 minutes while I showered and cleaned up. When I came out she asked "Why are you taking Chemo medicine" and I said "to get rid of the breast cancer" and then she asked "why do you have breast cancer" and I said "I wish I knew, nobody knows why you get it, but my job is to get rid of it and get healthy again.". End of conversation about that, she moved on to something else.

So, I'm bald now. I think the timing was great. I like waking up today, on my birthday, and feeling like I have a fresh start. Granted, I still have a long road of chemo ahead, but this is the best way I can think of to face my birthday. The GI Jane look makes me feel very strong and brave. I need all the help I can get right now!

Curious about my new look? Check it out here: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=2596533&l=0e88c3a016&id=754833143

*******

I have received some amazing cards over the course of the last 3 months. I've been collecting some of the quotes in these cards, or in random places and I wanted to share a few today. They are about the celebration of life, and today I celebrate mine!

"Often the moments that let us love our lives most fiercely are the ones when we feel like everything is being taken away"

"There is only one minute in which you are alive, this minute, here and now.
The only way to live is by accepting each minute as an unrepeatable miracle.
Which is exactly what it is - a miracle and unrepeatable."

"May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you,
May true be the hearts that love you."

I love my village, thank you all for helping to get me through this journey with so much strength, courage and determination.

Happy Birthday to me!

No News is Good News

2009-09-01T20:04:00.000-07:00

Well it's been a fun filled, action packed few days. But nothing really cancer related. My weekend was one of the more normal ones I've had in about 2 months. Cleaned and organized the house. Had a wonderful couple of days just the four of us. We went to Talia's back to school picnic and I was surprised at how happy I was to be surrounded by all the mothers. Talia and I sat on our blanket eating lunch and within a few minutes 5 moms sat down next to me and just took care of me. It really made me feel so good. Talia at one point looked over at me, put her hand on my knee and said "Mommy, I really love you" and it seemed like she understood the love going around and people showering me with attention and she got it. Of course, I could be projecting here!

Talia's school is closed this week and I've got my fab sister in law helping me out with the girls. I didn't think I'd need that much actual help since my energy level seems to have returned to almost normal but by the end of the day yesterday, man oh man I was exhausted, and thankfully Rachel stayed through dinner and helped with everything. I think I underestimated my limitations. It was a good learning experience. I don't think there's any other way to go through this but to learn something from each day and take it with a grain of salt.

Today my mom and I went to a place in San Rafael called A Lady's Touch and met with a wonderful woman who helped me find a wig, hats and taught me how to tie scarves. The wig part was fun, I was blond for a moment (not my color) and then decided on a great shoulder length layered look with side swept bangs. Why not go a little different when it's so easy? The hats are adorable. And I got a nice pair of hoop earrings, as she said wearing earrings draws the eye away from your head and distracts people. Kind of interesting to think I want people NOT to look at my head, but I suppose I'll find out soon enough. Minna came with us and after trying on two different wigs, my mom had to take her outside because she started crying. And when I picked her up to comfort her, she wouldn't look me in the eye (the same reaction she had when I cut my hair short). I think she was really confused about how I could look so different and still be mommy. I figure I'll wear the wig when I go to holiday parties or out to dinner, but I don't plan on wearing it every day. I have a feeling I'll mostly don hats and scarves...

I thought I'd have nothing to write about, but here I am rambling!

Since we've been home we've had some wonderful food delivered. Thank you to Ricki for the amazing spread on Monday, and to Kate for the kick ass chili and cornbread tonight (it will feed us for a couple of months!). It makes a HUGE difference not to have to think about dinner. We even got some steaks delivered to us via FedEx from Texas!

And once again, the folks from work - I seem to be getting something in the mail each and every day. The homemade jam and super comfy camis - thanks NY Marketing. The love I feel from all of you is truly amazing.

Ok, I think that's enough.... I've got 8 days until my next cycle starts. I'm off to continue to enjoy it.

Home Sweeeeeeeet Home

2009-08-28T20:11:00.000-07:00

We are HOME! We (mostly Jason) packed up and moved everything back (and boy was it a lot of stuff after 5 weeks at my mom and Rich's house). It is absolutely wonderful to be home. The girls couldn't have been happier. Talia was a dream child. We came home to a lovely Mediterranean platter and home grown tomatoes on our back porch (thank you Laura, Mac, Rye and Adrian). Our neighbors across the street delivered some ice cream goodies and we celebrated with a lovely Shabbat dinner complete with a homemade and delicious challah from Jodi, one of Talia's teachers. The evening really couldn't have been more perfect. And the sunset tonight was absolutely divine.

There is a TON of unpacking, purging (lots and lots), organizing, etc. to do, but it doesn't all have to get done right away. I have plenty of time to tackle it all.

A quick but oh so meaningful shout out to Mom and Richard. Your house was a wonderful place to heal. Thank you for the meals, laundry, tissue, walks, errands, and most of all the 5,000 trips to the grocery store to feed my growing family. THANK YOU THANK YOU!

I am looking forward to a weekend around the house, feeling my usual self. I've got 13 days until my next treatment and I have plans to really maximize it. I met with an acupuncturist today who specializes in breast cancer/chemo patients and spent two hours with her. She was wonderful and will work with me over the course of my treatment (usually the day before chemo and then during my nadir which is the term used to refer to the point when the immune system is at it's lowest - 7-12 days post chemo). She is approved by Kaiser so it's no additional cost to me, a bonus!

I am feeling pretty great today. Can't wait to climb into MY bed tonight and wake up in the morning to celebrate all over again.

What a difference a day makes

2009-08-26T20:04:00.001-07:00

This morning I woke up and for the first time since Thursday I felt lucid, energized and HAPPY! I got a pedicure, had lunch with my friend and spent a nice afternoon with the girls. I did spend some time resting in bed but I did not take a nap ONCE! I'm tired now, trust me, but it feels great to have had a normal day today. I cooked some dinner, did bath and bedtime and feel very accomplished. It's an amazing feeling to see myself on the other side of a treatment (even if I have a few setbacks in the next couple of days). I finally feel like I can make some plans and think beyond tomorrow.

It's pretty powerful how an experience like this can change what you appreciate it. Today I was just thankful for the ability to eat with my girls, do some dishes, and be social. A month ago I would have taken those simple things for granted and never even really acknowledged their significance.

Lots of Zzzzzzs

2009-08-25T18:21:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a couple of days because really, nothing has happened. I have literally been sleeping for 3 days straight. The exhaustion is still pretty intense. I am preserving all my energy for dinner and bedtime so I can be with the girls. Today I was able to walk 4 blocks, with a break on some steps in between. It's really overwhelming how much my life has come to a grinding halt. Emotionally it sucks. But I can't imagine going through this without all my family and friends to help and support me.

P.S. Things are looking a little up - I was able to do bath and bedtime for both girls tonight with just a little help and it made me feel so great. Hooray for the teeniest bit of energy!

Sheer and Utter Exhaustion

2009-08-23T15:04:00.001-07:00

Since my post Friday night, the exhaustion has hit me with all it's might. I have barely been out of bed. I am eating when I feel like it, and only in small quantities. The nausea is under control but I cannot believe the total exhaustion. I miss spending time with my family, that is definitely the hardest part so far. But I have to listen to my body and allow myself the time to heal from the drugs.

Today was supposed to be full of celebrations, a welcome home to my cousin Michael, Tessa's 18th birthday party and Rachel's 7th. It's now 3pm and I'm still in by pjs and my goal for the day is just to take a shower. Priorities change, but my job for now is to simply heal and rest and make my body my #1 priority.

Talia's camping night at Fairyland seemed to be a big success. Minna didn't sleep much last night, but thankfully my mom took care of her so I could sleep the whole night through. Thank goodness for my village.

This round of treatment and all of it's effects, will surely help me prepare better for my next one, on September 10. I won't commit to any plans that weekend and will be sure the girls have plenty of people around to entertain them so I can sleep the AC off. It's really going to be my life for a while.

That's all I've got in me for today.... even my hands are tired from writing this.

The Power of Healing

2009-08-21T20:14:00.001-07:00

I just returned from a restorative yoga class and oh man did it feel good. From the moment the instructor first introduced herself and listened to my "story" until I got into the car to come home I felt in an intense feeling of calm. Throughout the class, the teacher would come over and rub my back and check on me. I felt so cared for. Because I've been so sore and tender from the surgery I have had barely any physical contact for 4 weeks and tonight I realized just how much I miss it!

I had Jason by my side through the class and I kept looking over at him in awe of this amazing partner I have to go through this with. I am so grateful for his presence and support.

I feel so peaceful and calm at the moment. I plan on returning to this class as often as my body and soul allow. I also have an appointment scheduled next week for a massage, facial and acupuncture. Should be a soothing week.

Addendum to "One Down"

2009-08-21T13:06:00.001-07:00

So pretty much as soon as I published yesterday's post I started feeling really crappy. My nausea was really bad, even with the 5 anti-nausea meds they gave me. I took another around 3:30 when I woke up from a nap and it just made me feel like crap. The rest of the evening was pretty bad, ate a few bites of homemade chicken soup (thanks Sue!) and got in bed. Talia kept coming in to check on me. "Mommy why aren't you eating?" "Because the chemo makes my stomach upset" and she's munching on a tortelini and bites a piece off of it to make the letter "C" and says "C" is for Cancer. I manage to read her one bedtime story in my bed before she goes upstairs with Jason and when I ask her for a goodnight kiss she says "I already gave you one" and then proceeds to kiss my chest and I ask her what that was for and she says "To make your boobies feel better". God do I love that girl!

I barely slept last night - I think the steroid kept me up (they warned me about that). I will try and get some Ambien. But this morning I took a 2 1/2 hour nap which felt divine. Now I've eaten lunch and I'm off for a brief walk to run an errand. I am looking forward to a low key weekend.

I have become addicted to my snuggie (as has Jason). So thanks MoFo team for yet another super thoughtful present... my pile of loot is HUGE!

One Down

2009-08-20T13:04:00.000-07:00

Today started out like any other day. Got up, got the kids out of bed, made breakfast for everyone and dropped Talia off at school. On the way out, two moms stopped to hug me and share some words of encouragement. And then to Kaiser Oakland for first infusion.

It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. The nurses were amazing. I am already trying to figure out what kind of cookies to bake for them! First I was given 5 pills (looked kind of like an easter egg basket with all the pretty pastel colors). Zofran, Decadron and Emend, all for anti-nausea (I also have a bag of these same drugs to have with me at home). Then they started the first drug, Adriamycin. It's bright red and in two syringes, so the nurse sits there and pushes it into my IV, takes about 10 minutes. Cherie, the nurse, was great. We chatted throughout. Then onto the Cytoxin. One IV bag full, took about an hour to get that in me. They took out my IV and sent me on my merry way. We talked to a few other patients, we were sitting in a room with 4 other chairs. One woman looked at me and said "Someone who needs to be carded to buy alcohol shouldn't be here getting chemo" and I said I couldn't agree more! I have the option of a private room but the natural light by the window was really nice. I've got a little TV I could watch but it was hard to concentrate on anything but my iphone. At one point (all you iphone junkies will appreciate this) I was reading an article on my phone and I looked over to where my phone had been sitting on the table and I didn't see it there and I started panicking that it was gone! Only to realize it was in my hand. Is this what chemo brain will bring?

So I'm home now, just ate my lunch and I'm gonna get some rest. I feel exhausted but mostly from the let down of getting through this HUGE day. We'll see what happens next.

The New Me

2009-08-18T15:12:00.000-07:00

I debated taking a picture of my new boobs but that's not going to make the cut. Sorry to disappoint.

The "fill" was interesting. Kind of like inflating a balloon. My boobs do look nice but they don't feel like real boobs. I'll get used to it.

Now for the hair. Very emotional. I expected it to be hard, but it was pretty intense watching and feeling her cut the first chunk of hair off my head. You can see the 7 ponytails she cut off to donate to Locks of Love. And then the new me. Jen (my stylist) is amazing, I've been having her cut my hair for gosh, 15 years?! She did my makeup after and was just fantastic. Anyone in need of a new hair stylist, Jen is your woman!

It was an intense day, I'm wrecked. But wanted to share this step with all of you. Thanks for all the continued support.

Thank goodness for my village

2009-08-17T19:30:00.000-07:00

Seriously, what would I do without all of you? I would not eat such delicious food, read such wonderful books and magazines. I wouldn't be able to stay as warm and cozy (thanks to work for the most recent bag of goodies, including two snuggly blankets - I know there are so many of you out there that wanted to order them from the infomercial and were too afraid!). I wouldn't be able to take as many sanity breaks without all the babysitting from Mom, Rich, Sue, Jeff and Tessa. Thanks to my dad for paying such close attention to the medical details. And to my sister who has sent so many wonderful gifts to help me through. All the snuggly sleepwear has been wonderful too! I would NEVER be so sane without the endless love and support and compassion from Jason, really this is what marriage is all about.

Tomorrow brings my first boob fill (kind of like getting your acrylic nails filled I guess?) and yes, I'm getting my hair cut really short to transition into my new look. I'll post a picture to Facebook and here so you all can experience the transition with me. I feel pretty optimistic about things at the moment. I spoke with three breast cancer buddies today. Each has her own very unique experience but I was able to absorb some great energy from each of them and I feel so empowered to approach the beginning of chemo with a strong will and a determination I didn't know I had in me. I will NOT walk into the hospital terrified of experiencing all the side effects. One of my new friends told me today, chemo is 6 months. She pointed out that I was pregnant for 10 months x 2 and this is only 6 months so I can totally handle it. It was such a great thing to point out and I really do think it's helping me mentally.

Time to put Talia to bed now, more later. Promise!

Chemo "Class"

2009-08-13T19:07:00.000-07:00

Today was Chemo Class. Although, I'd hardly call it chemo class. It was rather disappointing. The "teacher" literally stood in front of a power point presentation and recited the words. We really didn't learn anything new. We were told of about 6 slides worth of possible side effects, but the reality is I likely won't be impacted by many of them (this is me being very optimistic) or for those that I do suffer from, thank god for lots of drugs to counteract them. We sat amongst 6 other patients in this class, most appearing to be much more sick than me. Jason and I walked out feeling totally drained and depressed but after the initial reaction wore off, we were both left feeling very optimistic. I am so young and healthy, I have so much going for me. I feel more at peace by the whole thing right now, and as Josh Kemp said I'm going to open a big ole can of wup'ass on this nasty disease and kill it!

This next week will bring:

Massage by my friend Anna (yay!)
My first tissue expansion so I can finally see what my new boobs will start to look like
The first infusion
A family photo shoot to capture this moment in time

I am feeling quite good at the moment...

Save the Date!

2009-08-11T10:10:00.000-07:00

My first chemo has been scheduled: Thursday August 20 at 10am. This Thursday I have my "chemo class" where I will learn all the ins and outs of chemo. Should be interesting!

Please, everyone who wants to join, mark your calendars. On Saturday, August 21, 2010, I will be throwing a party to celebrate being cancer free. Details will follow, over the course of my treatment. What better way to spend my time at my infusions than planning the party of my life!

Ups and Downs

2009-08-10T13:44:00.000-07:00

The last couple of days have been more emotionally challenging for me. I guess it's all just really starting to sink in. The start of chemo is approaching (exact date next week still TBD, more on that in a post later this week). The fact that I've spent hours researching wigs/scarves/hats, etc. means the hair loss is really going to happen. I am finding myself more emotionally fragile and VERY moody. It would be nice if I could put PMS on hold while I'm dealing with all this other crap, but of course that's not possible. I realize that in 6-8 months I won't have to deal with periods anymore, and I should really be grateful that I have them right now, but sorry - I don't see a silver lining in cramps and mood swings.

I have started reaching out to my new "breast cancer buddies" and it's helpful and overwhelming and so confusing all at the same time. I hate that I can't go an hour without thinking about this f#!#$% disease. I hate that if I get woken up in the middle of the night by any small thing, it takes me an hour to relax enough to go back to sleep because my mind just immediately jumps to all this stuff.

Today I had my MUGA test - draw blood, mix in a radioactive dye and inject it back into me and then scan my heart for 10 minutes to make sure it's functioning properly. A very benign test but I felt so lonely and sad being there. This is just what life is going to be like - I am getting very familiar with the parking lots at Kaiser, starting to recognize the faces of people in the hospital, etc.

I had a relatively normal weekend this weekend. Jason and I were able to go on a lovely date Friday night and ate at a fabulous middle eastern restaurant Zatar in Berkeley and then went to see 500 Days of Summer (totally worth seeing!). Yesterday I went to see Julie & Julia (also great!). I'm trying to carve out time for myself, but it's challenging sometimes. And Talia, god love her, is SOOOOOOOOOO clingy and needy and whiny right now. I just don't have the patience for her sometimes. I love her, but I don't always like her.

We decided we are going to stay at my mom and Rich's for another 3 weeks. I want to get through one round of chemo and see how bad it is (even though the effects could be different the second time around) before I go home. It's been so hard planning things for the next few weeks/months because I just don't know how I will feel. I hate that!

I know this is a pretty down post, I just feel crappy today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better, but if it's not, oh well!

"What the Heck?!"

2009-08-07T17:38:00.000-07:00

So I've been dreading the day that Talia sees my "new breasts" since this all happened. What will I say? How will she react? Visions of her running out of the room screaming have passed through my head.

So today we were out on the front steps working on an art project with Tessa (my wonderful cousin) and I said I was going to take a shower. About 15 minutes later Talia comes into the bathroom and wants to hang out. I'm in a glass shower. And I start panicking. Shit! It's too soon, the incisions look too gruesome still. What am I going to say!? She asks me to wipe away the water so she can see me so I slyly wipe away the water up at my eyes. Immediately she says "No mommy, I want to see your body!". Damn, now what?! So with sweaty palms and my heart pounding I wipe away more water so she can get a full visual. She kind of looks me up and down and then says "Mommy, um, where are your nipples?" like it's the most normal question in the world. I say "Well in the operation, the doctors had to remove my nipples because of the breast cancer, but don't worry, I'm gonna get new ones soon." She gives me the oddest look and says "New nipples, what the heck!". It was priceless. Then I get out of the shower and start to dry off and I kneel down on the ground and let her kind of inspect me. She points to each little wound and asks if it hurts and each time I answer honestly. And then she flitted out of the room, off to her next task. What a relief, something I'd been dreading for the last few weeks is finally over, another thing I can check off my list.

The Scoop

2009-08-06T14:30:00.000-07:00

So all this talk about "Thursday" and "the appointment". Well it happened this morning. And here is the scoop:

Considering the fact that I have breast cancer, this is the best scenario possible. I am ER (estrogen receptor) and PR (progesterone receptor) positive and HER2NU negative, all very good things. It means my cells are more able to absorb the treatment and I have a more likely chance of responding favorably. (I hope I got that right all you medical people reading this!)

Next Monday I need a MUGA test (Multiple Gated Acquisition Scan). This is just to check that my heart is functioning properly before chemo begins. Then I'll go on Tuesday for a second opinion with a breast oncologist in San Francisco and if all goes well there (if he concurs with everything Dr. Thomas told me this morning) then I'll have "Chemo Class" later in the week and begin my treatment the following week (specific day to be determined).

My 6 month regimen will be as follows:

3 months of "AC" which is Adriamycin and Cytoxin combined. I'll go every 3 weeks for 3 months. The treatment or infusion will take about 3-4 hours each time. Once the AC is finished, I'll start another regimen of Taxol which will be once a week for 3 months. It's expected that the few days after each infusion I will be tired and nauseated, although they give you anti-nausea meds prophylactically (thank goodness). My body will start to heal and just when I'm feeling myself again, I'll go for my next treatment.

Let's cut to the chase here, when will my hair fall out? 2-3 weeks after my first cycle (so right around Labor Day). It's not a matter of if, just when. And we're talking head, eyebrows and eyelashes (most likely), legs, etc. (you get the picture). This, I'll admit, is the scariest part for me. I can deal with the nausea and loss of apetite (hell my ass could stand to lose a few pounds!) but I am so terrified of looking like a monster and being stared at. The idea of all my friends and family seeing me for the first time after I shave my head is scary, but I know I will get used to it and find a new sense of self confidence. I do believe that.

Once my chemo is over I will most likely have my ovaries removed (or possibly a total hysterectomy). I'll meet with a GYN oncologist and discuss which is a better course of action. Either way, it looks like at the end of this I will be in menopause. Crazy to think that 8 months ago I was on a beach in Belize pumping 3x a day to keep my milk supply up for Minna and now I'm faced with this.

The good news is, I am starting to find a lot of silver linings in all of this: (in no particular order)

1. Free, new, perky boobs
2. lots of time with my girls and Jason (and my whole family)
3. time to exercise in between treatment cycles
4. no more periods! (after I'm done with all the extreme mood swings and hot flashes and who knows what else)
5. A very fresh perspective on life and a new level of appreciation for everything I have
6. An excuse to wear some cool wigs and see what it's like to be a blond or redhead

It's a helluva lot to take in, my mind feels so overloaded right now. But I'm grateful for the advancements in cancer treatment and for everything I have going in my favor. And mostly I'm grateful for all the people who have come through so amazingly and have been and are ready to step up and help out. I am blessed!

Some Interesting Ads

2009-08-04T20:43:00.000-07:00

My mom found these old postcards that mimic ad campaigns for Obsession perfume and Victoria's Secret. I think they are powerful and worth sharing...

Risk Factors

2009-08-04T06:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a trip to the business office at Kaiser to finish filing my disability paperwork and then to an hour+ appointment with Genetics. I can't believe the # of appointments that have suddenly filled my days, but I better get used to it, it's gonna be like this for a while...

The genetics counselor, Nicole, is terrific. Perfect amount of science and statistic, mixed with compassion and sympathy for what I'm facing. Basically, I now have a 27% chance (over the course of my lifetime) of getting ovarian cancer, a much more difficult cancer to detect early and treat once diagnosed. There is a blood test I have started taking, but it's known to result in lots of false positives. And there is a pelvic ultrasound, which I am in the process of scheduling so I have a baseline. The decision (one of many) I am faced with in terms of this risk factor is whether to have an oophrectomy (remove my ovaries) and significantly reduce my risk of ovarian cancer. Of course removing my ovaries at 35 means I will go into early menopause. If I was 45, this would be less of an issue. And yes, I'm done having kids so that's not it. I just picture myself post oophrectomy with hot flashes, mood swings, and a beard, and I really hate that image. I know that chemo will likely also bring on early menopause so it's a matter of collecting more information, and in the long run, doing what I can to protect my health for the rest of my life.

Other things we learned yesterday - even though I just had a double mastectomy, I STILL have a small chance of getting breast cancer again! Since there are still some breast cells in my body this is a possibility, unlikely, but possible. I also have an increased chance (by 2%) of getting melanoma, stomach and pancreatic cancer. I mean if I really think about it, there are so many possibilities and I really refuse to turn this experience into a way to scare the shit out of myself and become a paranoid hypochondriac for the rest of my life.

As far as Talia and Minna are concerned, they have a 50% chance of having the breast cancer gene. Once they are both 18, they can decide if they want to be tested. I am hopeful (as are the geneticists we met with) that by the time they are old enough to be tested, there will be so much advancement in medical science and cancer research that this will all be irrelevant. Sometime in the future, (when we have more time!) Jason will collect his family history of cancer and that will help us determine if their risk is higher. Since we are both Ashkenazi Jews, it's an important exercise to go through.

And last, and for now what I find most concerning, is the idea that my medical record is now marred. Should I need to apply for health insurance elsewhere, I could be really screwed. The GINA act was passed in May (Genetic Information Non-Discrimination Act) which supposedly protects patients from being discriminated against based on their genetic disposition, but there are many loopholes. And really what makes this more difficult for me is that I have breast cancer and insurance companies won't like that. Even though I've significantly reduced my chances of breast cancer again (and eventually ovarian cancer too) it's still a disadvantage. I've got research to do on this as well (and thanks Ali for offering to help with that) because I understand there are ways to avoid this issue. Come on Obama!

I continue to progress with my recovery. I'm getting more active and helping out with the girls more but I'm noticing that by their bedtime I am sore, uncomfortable and exhausted. I've got to learn to pace myself!

On to Thursday...

Clean and Clear

2009-08-02T20:07:00.000-07:00

So the unveiling went a lot better than I expected it would. I honestly thought I would break down in tears at the sight of the new me. Yes it was scary and a little gruesome (if I am allowed to describe myself in this way) but I took a good long look and kept reassuring myself that it's a work in progress. And again, no matter what, this has saved my life and that makes it all worth it.

My mobility is really starting to come back. I am walking more, going out in public more, although crowds make me nervous because the idea of someone bumping into me makes me break out into a sweat. I'm still really sore and tender. I made breakfast for everyone this morning and it felt great to be more independent. I still can't lift Minna which is the most difficult limitation and the one that will take the longest to get past.

Tomorrow is the visit to the genetics counselor where I will learn more about the implications of being BRCA positive. What are my chances of ovarian cancer now? What does this mean for my girls? The biggest milestone this week is Thursday, my first oncology appointment. There I will learn what my regimen will be, the cocktail, the frequency, duration and expected side effects. I imagine that will be really intense and overwhelming and another big hurdle to fly over.

But fly I will....

Freedom!

2009-08-02T05:22:00.000-07:00

In my previous post I mentioned that I only had one drain removed. Well when we got home from dinner on Friday night I started having severe pain in the drain that was still in (on my left side). It continued to get worse until Saturday morning when I couldn't deal with the discomfort. So we met the on call surgeon at the hospital and he removed it for me. I felt better immediately! It was an exhausting 12 hours with little sleep but I came home and took a nice long nap and felt like a new person when I woke up.

Jason and the girls and I walked up the street to dinner which was a big outing for me but it went well. The girls seemed really happy to have us all to themselves!

It's now 5:15 am and I've been up for an hour in bed. Insomnia is not something I usually deal with and it's bizarre that I can't sleep. I think that what's bothering me is the idea that my drains are out and I'm now officially allowed to take a shower (it's been 9 days, can you imagine!?!?!). But I've been terrified to look at myself for the first time. As I laid in bed trying to go back to sleep I finally made the mental switch and now I feel ready to face the mirror. It will be intense and probably trigger a lot of emotions, but I need to move forward and embrace the new me. After all, this surgery has saved my life!

I have also started reaching out to a few "breast cancer buddies" thanks to many of my friends. It's quite unbelievable just how many women my age have been faced with this same situation. Talking with them will be a tremendous help. Knowing I'm not alone in this journey makes a huge difference.

Big Day

2009-07-31T19:32:00.000-07:00

Today was a big day for me. I took an 8 block walk this morning which felt great. It was slow, but progress! My good friend came to see me and brought lunch (thanks Jenna!) and I feel like I'm slowly coming out of my cocoon. This afternoon Jason and I went to see my surgeon for my post-op visit. She took one of my drains out but wanted to wait until Monday to remove the other. It didn't hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would. We talked about my diagnosis, my future and the BRCA gene test results. It's amazing to take in all that lies ahead.

After my appointment we went to a wonderful dinner at Baywolf and had a lovely quiet table on the patio. It was a great way to stop and take time for ourselves, something we haven't had the opportunity to do in quite a while.

I am really focusing on trying to take things one day at a time. It seems to be the only way I can get through this with some sense of sanity.

A friend of mine gave me a wonderful mantra to repeat as I go through this journey:

"I accept my full power as a woman and accept all my bodily processes as normal and natural. I love and approve of myself. All is well."

I love this saying and I plan to use it!

More tomorrow, today took a lot out of me.

Another Layer of the Onion

2009-07-30T16:37:00.001-07:00

In my first post, I mentioned that I would be getting the BRCA gene test. Last Thursday I had the blood test done and they turned it around really quickly. I found out today that I am BRCA positive. This means many things. It effects my chemo treatment in the short term. But it also has implications about my future in terms of my ovaries. Someone with the BRCA gene has a much higher chance of getting breast cancer and ovarian cancer. Considering I now have breast cancer, my odds of getting ovarian cancer are much greater (I will learn about all the percentages on Monday at an appointment with the genetics counselor). The big decision to face about this (down the road) is about having my ovaries removed (and possibly a total hysterectomy). It's another big piece of information to digest. I'm not at all surprised by this development, but it's another layer to peel away and understand...

Some Good News!

2009-07-29T20:29:00.000-07:00

I got a call from the doctor this evening and all my other lymphnodes are clear. The only cancer is in my sentinel node (the one closest to my right breast). This is great news as it means I won't need radiation in addition to the chemo. We celebrated a lot. It was a huge relief.

I had a long day and don't have much in me to write more, but this is worth it's own post.

The love and flowers and good wishes continue to brighten my days...

It's the little things...

2009-07-27T16:07:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. I see a big improvement from yesterday which is encouraging. I was proud of myself this morning, I was able to wash my face all by myself and empty my drains (gross, but a good sign of healing). I am sleeping well at night, about 10 hours with only 1 or 2 wakings to take more meds. More sleep than I have had in 4 1/2 years!

I am amazed at the flower arrangements that are showing up. Dahlias, orchids, marigolds, etc. The house smells so wonderful. And my appetite is beginning to return which means my energy level will start to come back soon too. I have had a few visitors which is nice. And I have an appt on Wednesday at my hair salon for a wash and dry which I desperately need.

The girls are adjusting well, a bit more each day. Minna is getting used to Tessa and I can be in the same room as her now without her freaking out that I can't hold her. I am ready for that limitation to be lifted, it's one of the hardest. Selfishly it was nice for Talia to go to school today and it's good she has a whole week ahead of her to be in her own world and surrounded by her friends and teachers who can dote on her.

I am processing my future a bit more each day, but it's so hard to accept everything considering how quickly things changed. One month ago today I was sitting in the waiting room for my first breast MRI without a clue....

Recovery

2009-07-26T12:21:00.001-07:00

Here I am, over the first hurdle (unfortunately the first, not the only). My surgery was two days ago. I amazed myself with how calm I was leading up to it. Jason was terrific sticking by my side the whole time.

The surgery went well but my sentinel node was positive, which means I will need chemo. According to the doc right after surgery, it looks like it will be 4-6 months of chemo, but we will know more on Thursday or Friday. My pain level is moderate, but thanks to vicodin I am tolerating it well.

Last night was hard with the girls. Minna wanted me to hold her and Talia was just plain mad. But today is a little better and tomorrow Talia will be back at school which will be very good for everyone.

I'm tired, this is all I've got in me now. Thank you all for reaching out, sending love, flowers, cupcakes (YUM Erica & David!), balloons, texts, etc. I don't know where I'd be without my iphone.

As my father in law always says, more later...

Countdown

2009-07-23T16:48:00.000-07:00

So I've managed to keep myself very busy today. Packed up the house and got everything settled at my mom's so we don't have to think about it tomorrow. I also went and had my blood drawn today for the BRCA gene test. I have to wait 2 weeks for the results which is just another part of this waiting game. I haven't given it much thought, no time to focus on something so far in the distance when I have tomorrow staring me in the face. I also managed a nice walk up to College from my mom's house and shopped (without success) for some button down shirts which I have one of (thanks to my dear mother in law) but need more of for the week or two after surgery since putting anything over my head will be painful. And last, and most importantly, I stopped for a cookies and cream ice cream cone - why not right?

I have to be at the hospital tomorrow earlier than I thought which is a good thing, let's get this ball rolling.

Be back again, on the other side of this hurdle...

Breakthrough

2009-07-22T20:02:00.000-07:00

Well today was a good emotional day. Yesterday, not so much. I spent some time with my therapist (who I hadn't seen since before Minna was born) and she was a tremendous help. I am coming to terms with the fact that I'm lucky. Not to have cancer, but to be young, and otherwise healthy and have cancer. I am strong, physically and mentally, and I have so much to fight for. Of course I'm devastated to lose my breasts but they have done a helluva job providing sustenance to my two wonderful daughters. I took good care of myself today and this evening I took a bath with Talia and Minna and it made me so happy. I realized that what I want, more than anything, is for these strong, smart, beautiful children to look back on this part of their life and see that I kicked cancer's ass! To see that I took this challenge head on and won the fight. I know I'll have more down days, and I'm still scared as hell about Friday, but I trust the doctors to take care of me and fix me so I will have a long, healthy and happy life ahead. That's all I ask for...

In Motion

2009-07-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

Things are certainly in motion. We returned this morning at 5am from Hawaii. It was as good a vacation as you can have when faced with what we've got ahead of us. My surgery is scheduled for this coming Friday in Oakland. I am overwhelmed with the thought, and keeping myself quite busy with unpacking, making doctors appts, and finding time for a pedicure so at least my toes look decent when I stare at them for the next few weeks. I'll be in the hospital for just one night. We plan to spend the days immediately post surgery at my moms, which will be easiest with the kids.

Tonight we told Talia that I would be going in for an operation on Friday. We simply told her that the boo-boo in my boobie needed to come out so I would spend one night at the hospital so the doctors can fix me and then we will all spend some time at Bubba's while I get better. She cried and held my hand really tight, and just as my heart started to melt, she asked me what was for desert. Thank god for children!

The messages and phone calls and texts and emails and Facebook posts have been heart warming and have provided me with lots of strength. Thank you all.

I'm Gonna Be Just Fine

2009-07-10T21:24:00.000-07:00

As reality sinks in, I'll hold on tight to the message in this song. Grab a box of tissue!

Breaking the News

2009-07-09T20:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends and Family,
I'm writing with some sad news. I've been diagnosed with breast cancer in my right breast. We are still gathering information on the course of treatment but I will most likely have a double mastectomy sometime in early August. There is still quite a bit of information to gather: second opinions, more tests, whether I'll need chemo, etc.

As many of you know, my mom was diagnosed with DCIS (a non-invasive form of breast cancer) 10 years ago and she had a mastectomy. She is fine now. She recently tested positive for the breast cancer gene (BRCA2). This increased my chance of getting breast cancer significantly. As a result, I started aggressive early screening. (I plan on having the gene test done soon - more on this in a later post)

On June 27, I went in for a breast MRI (part of this early screening regimen). On June 29, I got a call from my doctor that there was a 2 cm mass in my right breast which was concerning. On July 2, I went in for a biopsy.

Today we met with the surgeon and confirmed the cancer diagnosis and the course of treatment as it stands right now. We then met with the plastic surgeon to discuss reconstructive surgery (I still plan on wearing a bikini!). Both surgeries will happen on the same day.

Once the surgery is over, we will have more information about whether chemotherapy is necessary. The recovery time from the surgery alone is estimated at 6 weeks.

This is all we know at this point. We plan to use this blog as a place to post updates to share with all of you. If you call or email, please understand it will take a while for us to respond. We do appreciate knowing we are in your thoughts and that you are sending love.

The good news is, we leave for Hawaii on Saturday, returning Monday 7/20, for a much needed vacation and time to process all of this information.

So how am I doing?
I am still in shock. At the moment I'm tackling this like another project at work. But I had a really productive sob session in the shower today which felt great. We are obviously overwhelmed by the impact this will have on our lives and trying to wrap our heads around all that lies ahead on this journey. We are lucky to have so much support and love, this is clearly something that takes a village.

We would appreciate if you would keep this news among the adults for now, as we want to unfold this information slowly to our girls.

Jen (and Jason - we are in this together)