Out and Back

It's been a week, and as my wise cousin Erica said, just focus on October 29 because by then you will feel like yourself again. She was so right! I woke up this morning and despite feeling tired from our little 18 month old rooster waking up at 5:40, I feel MUCH more like me. I am getting ready to go for a swim in a few minutes which will be fabulous. One of the most annoying and persistent side effects I've had is this awful feeling of total body bruising. I don't know if it's from the neupogen shots or the chemo itself but my upper body and face have felt like someone attacked me with a hammer. There is no visible bruising but even the softest lightest touch is really painful. Today it is gone so the idea of getting into lukewarm water and moving my body sounds appealing.

It's been a tough few days emotionally. I'm surprised, I figured that after AC was over, I would feel this huge sense of relief and a feeling of completion and joy. Of course I'm happy that I can put that chapter behind me, but I feel very emotional about my entire state of being right now. I've had more moments in the last few days of "wow, I have cancer" and feeling sorry for myself than I have in the last couple of months. I think there is a part of me that expected for AC to end and to be able to pick up my life again, but the reality is, with the start of Taxol on November 11, I will have two visits to the hospital each week (one for blood work the day before) and there is now another layer of unknown. I don't know what Taxol will do to my body. Physically, I've been feeling pretty OK about how I feel. I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes. But the Taxol could very well get rid of them. I've been feeling really self conscious about my appearance. I can see my brows are thinning and my lashes are falling out. I am not looking forward to looking more sick than I already do.

I also feel like when all this chemo is behind me, how will I know it worked? There isn't some test they can do to say "good job, all that suffering paid off, and you are cancer free". I just have to have blind faith that it was all for a good cause and go about my life. Of course of course of course it's all worth it, but it still seems ludicrous.

I am grateful beyond words for my girls and Jason. Talia and Minna make me smile a dozen times a day and keep me motivated and active and happy. Jason is the biggest blessing in my life. Yesterday we spent the day together - we drove out to Pt. Reyes and had lunch at our favorite diner and took a little walk. We spent the whole time talking about life and all of our big decisions and my illness and our relationship and it was an absolutely perfect day. On the way back we picked up the girls, took Talia for a haircut and I cooked a nice dinner. It was really a wonderful day. I do love my family.

Status Quo

It's Day 4. I am a little worse today, but still more functional than Day 4 of any other cycle. I still can't figure out what the difference is, but it's been nice being a little more with it all weekend, a little more present with the girls and Jason. I did bath and bedtime tonight and while it kicked my butt, it did feel good to be 90% there for the girls and give Jason a break.

A couple of funny things from Talia over the last few days. Last night she was eating a burrito for dinner and the burrito was standing up on end on her plate. The tortilla flopped over and a bunch of rice started falling down off the tortilla. She said "Look, my burrito has chemo" because it looked like the burrito was losing it's hair. It was such a funny moment. I loved that she was able to make a joke about. And earlier this week she just came out and asked me "Mommy how many more days will you have breast cancer?". I couldn't answer that question. It got me a little choked up, but we scooted on past it and she moved onto something else to focus on.

While I really am relieved to be done with AC, I can't help but feel this sense of dread about the start of Taxol. Once a week for 3 months? How it will affect my body? Will my veins withstand all the IV poking and prodding? I'm trying not to dwell too much on it just yet - I need to ride out the next few days, but sitting at home resting all day doesn't give my mind much else to think about.

I am looking forward to the coming week and getting back to my old self. I don't have a whole bunch planned because I assumed I would feel pretty shitty for most of the week. But Halloween will be a nice distraction this weekend. If nothing else, I know I'll be ready to eat a lot of candy!

Day 3

Still feeling surprisingly well. I don't know what the magic potion is, but I'm not fighting it. It helped that the girls both slept through the night. I got a good 8 hours of sleep and I've managed to eat a pretty normal diet today. I am tracking my food for the Pathways study and I'm happy to see on paper that on the days post chemo I'm still eating regular food. I made this HUGE batch of Magic Mineral Broth and there is no way I will eat it all since "normal" food actually sounds appealing.

Last night I made it to restorative yoga and it felt terrific! My lovely mother-in-law came with me and it was sooooo relaxing. I love the instructor and my body just soaked in all the goodness. I wish I could go everyday! Hopefully tomorrow I can go for a swim. That would be a treat.

I am heading out for a visit to my mom's and to pick up the girls. Another good sign - I want to be with people. Who'd have guessed round 4 would bring better days than the last time.

C4 D2

Well I don't know about you but I'm pleasantly surprised at how well I feel this morning. I was pretty miserable during the infusion yesterday, I literally got nauseous walking into the hospital. I was really really dreading it. We were in and out in 2.5 hours which was nice. I was wiped out and in bed by 1:30 and at 3:45 I had my first spell of dry heaves. Another one an hour later and then I took some compazine and passed out for almost 2 hours. When I woke up I felt a lot better and Jason and I took a walk around the block and enjoyed the gorgeous sunset. We hung out and watched a few shows together and I was in bed by 9:30. This was a first for day of chemo. I was usually knocked out the whole afternoon. I slept for 10 hours (the most sleep I've had in one night in I can't even tell you how long!). This morning I woke up and had a good breakfast and and now I'm trying to decide what to do with myself today. Swim? Yoga? Walk? or just lay on the couch. I am surprised at how well I feel and I don't want to push my luck. There's always laundry to keep me busy...

Of course I am ecstatic that this is my last round of AC - I couldn't be more pleased to say goodbye to the disgusting red drug that literally just made me gag as I thought about it. But now I am starting to think about the Taxol. I start with that on November 11. It's weekly and I have no idea what side effects I will be faced with. So another waiting game begins, but for now I will try not to think too much about it and just get through the next few days.

Anyways, I'm very relieved to have the majority of this particular drug behind me and look forward to my up days which will hopefully start on Tuesday or Wednesday. There are lots of fun things coming up that I can look forward to - Halloween, my sister and nephew's visit and the holidays. I certainly will have lots to celebrate and be thankful for this year.

My love to everyone for all of your amazing, continued support....

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Yes, the clock is ticking. I am trying so hard not to think about Thursday but then again I am wanting to fast forward to a week from Thursday so I can be done with this stinking drug!

Had a lovely weekend with my dad and the girls. Unfortunately they both got sick so we spent A LOT of time around the house. But we all survived cabin fever. Minna is on the mend, Talia is back at school and so far I am feeling healthy. I just hope I remain that way so I can proceed with chemo on Thursday and move on!

We have major leaks in our windows at home which is a pain in the ass to deal with on top of everything else going on. But I suppose it's acting as somewhat of a distraction (albeit a potentially expensive one).

I plan to spend the next few days taking care of some outstanding projects around the house and elsewhere. I will go for a swim, run some errands and rest up. My cousin Robin comes into town on Wednesday and I'll have one evening of feeling good to spend time with her and then it's off to the clouds for another week.

More later...

Kicking Cancer's Ass

I have been cooking some the last few days. Soup, brownies, and today I made white chili and parmesan chicken. Chili is to have around the house for my dad's visit and the chicken is for tonight. As I laid the chicken breasts under the wax paper to pound them out, I started really getting into it. I mean I used both hands and just started wailing on the breasts. Hey if I don't have breasts of my own (at least not real ones) I figured I might as well go to town on the ones right in front of me and let out some of my feelings!

I've been really feeling quite well the last few days. The camping trip with Talia's class was a success, if you call getting 4 hours of sleep and freezing my ass off a success. The kids had a blast, the parents had a great time hanging out and the effort put forth by everyone was remarkable. The community at Talia's school is really amazing.

I am trying not to think about a week from tomorrow and my last round of AC. Sure I'm excited that it's my last round but I'm DREADING the side effects. They were so much more intense this last round, I can only imagine what it will be like this time. Although I do plan on asking for Zofran which I declined the last two times because it gave me a headache the first go round. I mean really Jen, what's a damn headache compared to heaving for 8 hours straight?!?!?

I've been swimming and done some mild pampering the last few days. I've been trying to get my brain engaged in some of the things I've let slide the last few months - money, the house, etc. While I'm up, I might as well make up for lost time.

Tomorrow my dad arrives for a couple of days and then my friend Julie comes into town to run a half marathon and visit with me. I'm looking forward to both visits. And then I'll have 3 days to enjoy before I go into my rabbit hole again.

Back in Action

Phew, today I finally feel human again. Yesterday was a big improvement. Acupuncture helped quite a bit. I had a lovely lunch with my aunt Debbie and then home to recover. Today I woke up with an appetite and energy. I took the girls to school, swam laps with Jason, had a lovely lunch with my mom and shopped with her for a while. It was a lovely day, although it's now 7:30 and I'm already in my pjs ready for bed. But it's certainly progress, and boy was I ready for it.

I finished my neupogen injections last night and I sure wasn't sad to see those go. They got to be painful and just plain annoying. I have two weeks to fully enjoy myself before heading back into the fog one last time, and then it's on to Taxol - but I'm not going there yet!

This weekend is an overnight camping trip with Talia's preschool class in Tilden Park and I also get to visit with my oldest friend Laurel and her twin 2 yr olds and 6 month old baby for part of the weekend. I am looking forward to being social and active. Next week my dad comes for a visit which I am really excited for. October is in full swing.

I need to thank everyone who emailed me earlier this week when I was in the trenches feeling like dog poop. Your words of wisdom, pats on the back, virtual hugs, etc. were really helpful in reminding me that I'm not alone. If I could hug each of you in person I would do it. Having this network of support is so amazing and I can't imagine going through all of this without you. I love all of you!

It's Getting Old...

It's really the first time I'm feeling like I am so over all of this. It's Day 6 and I am sick of feeling like shit. I'm definitely better than this weekend but the all over body aches, and neupogen injections (which hurt like a #$#%$%$ last night!) and the overall fatigue is just really getting old. I have been so proud of my attitude and happy with how I've been handling everything but last night and today I just feel done. I think it's partly to do with the fact that I only have 1 more cycle of AC to go and so I can see the first light at the end of the tunnel. And I also feel the cumulative effect of the fatigue. It feels more severe than last time and definitely since the time before that.

Not much else to say at the moment, I am still home, taking advantage of a quiet house and a lot of rest but I'm getting the itch to get out, and I don't quite have the energy to match the desire. I tried to nap this morning but no dice, I'll give it another go this afternoon. I'm hoping to be better tomorrow so I can go swimming...

Until then...

C3 D3

Today has been a moderately functional day. I've taken two long naps, a walk around the block with my folks, done two loads of laundry and made myself some food to eat. I've even managed to watch some cooking shows which means my stomach can't be too wonky. I am lonely without Jason and the girls home to fill the quietness, but at the same time I don't think I'd be too much fun around them yet. I need space and peace right now. They are due home in an hour which will be nice.

Last week I was blessed with a visit by dear friend Jenna and her darling twin boys Max and Cole. Here is a pic to show the fun we had! (and one of me from a night I felt well enough to cook a three course meal for my parents and Jason). - Random yes, but I look healthy so I'm sharing it anyways!

Here I am again on my own

I awakened this morning after a rough night of puking every hour until 12:30. My meds finally kicked in (yay!) and I slept until 8:15. Jason was long gone to work and the girls spent last night with my inlaws so I was in a quiet empty house. I immediately felt so alone which made me feel sad, but then I found a note from Jason which I swear he must have snuck back home to leave me after hearing my thoughts. It said "you are not alone, we are all here with you" or something to that effect. I do love that husband of mine. And then as I turned on my phone I got 10 or so texts/emails from friends and family checking in, photos of the girls looking quite happy doing there thing. And now my friend Molly is on her way over for a brief visit. So indeed I am not alone today.

The night was rough but I've been able to keep down a piece of toast and apple juice and I'm about to tackle some matzoh ball soup. We'll see how that goes. I'm just pushing through the next 4 days...

More later....