Freedom

Tonight at sundown Passover begins. Passover is the celebration of the freedom of the Jewish slaves from Egypt. We will be celebrating with my family and some close friends. For those of you not familiar with the traditions of Passover, it's a joyous, loud sort of reenactment of the Jews journey to freedom. We drink lots of wine, sing lots of songs and eat lots of bizarre food which symbolize the various experiences the Jews had during their quest for freedom.

I have been thinking a lot about my own journey to freedom from cancer and treatment and the cold dark winter. Now that the sun is shining I feel more alive than I have in months. I am smiling more and I have more energy. I am grateful that I am coming back to life and can truly appreciate all that lies ahead. I am very aware of all the challenges I still have to face but I feel more prepared to tackle them than ever before.

Jason spent the last 3 days in Arizona with some friends watching baseball and taking a much deserved vacation from life at home. Leading up to his trip I was anxious about how I would fare on my own with the girls. Sure, I spent some time with my family, but I was more independent than I have been in months. And I truly enjoyed every minute with the girls. It was one of the more blissful weekends I've had in a long long time. I felt relaxed, happy, calm and appreciative. It made me realize that I'm coming back into the world and it feels pretty darn amazing.

This blog has been an incredible medium in which to share my experiences and reach out to each and every one of you. I could never have managed to share this process - the good and bad - with everyone had I not had this place to let all my emotions out. But I feel ready to let it go. I've felt guilty these last few weeks about not posting to it, and to me that means it has lost it's purpose. I will reach out to people with news, and please feel free to email, text, FB, call, etc. if you want to catch up.

In parting, I want to share this poem I read when I was in Mendocino a few weeks ago:

And I thought over again
My small adventures
As with a shore-wind I drifted out
In my kayak
And thought I was in danger

My fears,
Those small ones
That I thought so big
For all the vital things
I had to get and to reach.

And yet there is only
One great thing,
The only thing:
To live to see in huts and on journeys
The great day that dawns,
And the light that fills the world.

The Latest

Hard to believe it's been almost a month since my last post. I'm not quite sure what to make of it but I do know this - tomorrow will be my last post. I've decided to retire the blog. But first, a bit of an update:

Physically I am significantly better. My hair is growing back like crazy. My eyebrows and eyelashes have made a come back, so much so that I had the joy of my first brow wax in 8 months last week and was elated when I saw the way they looked. The pain was totally worth it! I am also sporting a very short pixie cut of mostly this odd blondish/grayish/silvery soft straight hair. It's pretty bizarre when I look in the mirror to see this person that looks kind of like me, although I'll admit this whole experience has definitely aged me a bit.

The most significant health related news is this bizarre issue I've had to deal with the last few weeks. Three times over the course of the last 5 months, I have woken up in the morning and been unable to see out of my right eye. Twice it only lasted for 30 seconds, but the most recent time it lasted 5 full minutes. Slowly my vision would return but it was pretty distressing. It's only happened in the morning, so I don't feel concerned about driving or anything like that. I reported it to my doctor and within a few hours I was referred to have all kinds of tests done. I guess they were concerned about blood clots to my brain. I had an echo cardiogram to make sure my heart was functioning properly (which it was) a carotid ultrasound to make sure my carotid artery was carrying blood to my brain properly (which it was), a visit to the ophthalmologist, which confirmed everything was in order, and then a brain MRI which was the most nerve wracking for two reasons. First, the thought of a brain MRI is scary enough, and with the worry of recurrence and metastasis, well I won't even go there. But the MRI happened to be in the same building, even the same ROOM as the MRI where my cancer was first discovered. So needless to say, it was an emotionally intense experience. Thankfully the MRI was normal. So far the docs don't know what it is but the worry is not as high. I will see a neurologist for one last expert opinion. We'll see where that takes us...

My priority now is to exercise, eat well, get rest and let the sunshine and this season of rebirth help me recover from what I now consider the longest winter of my life.

Things are moving along

I'm not posting very often. Partly because there isn't much to report but also I haven't felt like it. I guess I'm busy enjoying being out and about and restoring my health. But it's been a mixed bag of feelings recently. I'm not happy with how I look so I'm feeling insecure. Last weekend all my eyebrows and eyelashes fell out. I had no idea that could still happen, considering chemo ended over a month ago. But according to everyone in my support group it is normal. I've got a lot more hair on my head and today I noticed there is a ton of hair on my legs, which is new - so that is encouraging. I might have to start shaving again soon - what a privilege!

We weaned Minna of the bottle this past weekend so sleep has been a little difficult. She cries a lot more at bedtime and then wakes up at 5 instead of 6:30 starving. So we are exhausted. Despite the fatigue of parenthood I am finding that I am regaining strength each day. It's slow, no doubt about it, but still noticeable. The recovery from surgery is frustrating. I feel good - I'm not in any pain, I am totally mobile and driving and lifting things. But my doc says no rigorous activity for 8 weeks which stinks. I can hopefully start swimming next week. But I was hoping to start something else soon too. I guess it's a good way to force myself to slow down and really allow my body to heal from all the torture.

My main focus over the next couple of months is a whole bunch of soul searching. This whole journey has changed my life in more ways than I could have imagined. It's a lot to process and sort through but I have lots of support to help me get to a good place. It will be an uphill climb but I'm hoping the view from the top will be rewarding!

All Clear

While I wasn't totally worried about the pathology results of my uterus, ovaries, cervix and fallopian tubes, I still found it a huge relief to get the call last night from the doctor that everything was JUST fine. I am thrilled.

I continue to feel better but I am starting to do more and getting more tired as a result. I am having trouble sleeping, mostly because my mind is spinning. I had a few nights of vertigo and thanks to a nifty tip from my dad, I did "Epley's Manuever" which is a series of poses to help overcome vertigo. I did the steps on Wednesday night and I've been OK ever since. It was cool to discover it.

Yesterday I treated myself to a movie and it was heaven sitting there with my OWN popcorn, and getting lost in the movie. Valentine's Day - CHEESY but fun and lighthearted, just what I needed.

This morning was Talia's Purim parade. I'm pooped...

One week post-op

Today marks one week since my surgery. I have made significant progress and I am pleased with how well I am taking care of myself. I am walking and up and around with little discomfort. I am off the heavy duty pain killers and only taking Advil a couple of times a day. I am able to do some stuff around the house but I am really trying to resist the urge to pick up things on the floor or do heavy lifting. I haven't carried Minna farther than from the rocking chair to the crib (and that was only once!).

What's been the biggest challenge are my emotions. I am like Niagara falls right now. All the bravery and strength I have kept up these last 8 months has finally started to crumble. I am accepting the fact that it's OK to fall apart, god knows I deserve a little freak out. But it's really all coming out. I am going from terrifying thoughts of recurrence, paranoid about what other shitty circumstances can come along in my life to turn it all upside down again. I am feeling more protective of my children and worried about them being in more dangerous situations, although I know that is just a result of the paranoia about life and it's fragility. I hate how I look right now - there is very little that is left of me that feels feminine. But I know in time that will change. I do have some hair but it's not what it used to be so who knows how it will all grow back in. I know that what really matters is that it will grow back. And over time the aftermath will feel less intense and I will have days when I don't even think about cancer. But at the moment that seems so far off.

I am talking about my feelings to a lot of people right now and allowing myself to cry and fall apart. And I know I will reach some sort of emotional equilibrium soon enough, but it sure is intense in the eye of the storm.

I am home a lot this week, resting, reading, watching Olympics etc. and this all gives me a lot of time to think. There is so much to face in the coming months. My priority now is to heal, get more mobile and allow myself the time to accept my new life and my new body.

Day 4/5

I started this yesterday but got too tired to finish it in one sitting:

I'm doing much better today. I am weaning myself from vicodin which means less of a fog all day but also a harder time sleeping and napping. My body will adjust, but it will be nice not to be on a narcotic again. I'm sure some of you would disagree. Actually last night was the first night of not sleeping with vicodin, only ibuprofen. I didn't sleep well at all. I am uncomfortable being stuck on my back all night but I'm not quite ready to sleep on my side.

The good news is each day when I wake up I feel more strength and mobility. This morning I actually made pancakes for everyone which was about as close to a hug or a snuggle as I could get for the girls. (the chocolate chips didn't hurt things either). It's hard being home alone all day and farming the kids out to various people, especially Minna. Talia is thrilled to have so many playdates but Minna breaks my heart when she leaves. It's almost as if she wants to sneak under my shirt with my bandaids and hide out until everyone else leaves so she can stay with me. I know it will pass but it's hard.

I am also starting to come down emotionally. I am finding myself crying over nothing. Just sitting at the table last night saying the prayers for shabbat and eating dinner with just my girls and Jason got me all verklempt. I don't know if it's the lack of estrogen or the let down of post surgery or just a combination of all the bullshit I've endured (most likely) but it's hard to see it coming and control it when it hits. I wonder what it will be like the next few weeks and how the Arimidex will help things (if at all).

I have a few drs appts coming up. Follow up/post op with my OB on March 1, then my oncologist the next day to start Arimidex. The following week I meet with the plastic surgeon to discuss the state of my boobs and then two weeks later one last meeting with the GYN oncologist that did my surgery to make sure things are healing well. So March will be easier, but still riddled with doctors and information. I'm tired just thinking about it. The good news is, mixed in with all of that are a few little getaways. And I'm totally psyched for all of that.

I'll post again soon - like I said each day is getting easier. At least physically.

brief update

Things went well. Surgery started at 3pm, I woke up in recovery at 7:30 and I was home in bed by 9pm. Really insane when you stop and think about how quick. My dad said I've probably got a boot mark on my ass from the hospital kicking me out the door. It did feel rather rushed. I dry heaved in the bathroom while trying to pee before I was discharged. The nurse stuck an alcohol swab on my nose and handed me an emisis basin for the ride home. I heaved again at home a couple of times and then it passed. Sleep was hard the first night. I had terrible pains in my shoulder from the gas they used to blow up my belly. But it's gone now and last night I slept much better. I think the toughest thing so far has been Minna! She is so confused about why mommy can't pick her up or cuddle with her. This morning she tried to sneak back in the house to stay with me, hoping Jason wouldn't notice. It broke my heart.

I'm tired, but feeling way better today than yesterday. I look forward to tomorrow. More soon...