All Clear

While I wasn't totally worried about the pathology results of my uterus, ovaries, cervix and fallopian tubes, I still found it a huge relief to get the call last night from the doctor that everything was JUST fine. I am thrilled.

I continue to feel better but I am starting to do more and getting more tired as a result. I am having trouble sleeping, mostly because my mind is spinning. I had a few nights of vertigo and thanks to a nifty tip from my dad, I did "Epley's Manuever" which is a series of poses to help overcome vertigo. I did the steps on Wednesday night and I've been OK ever since. It was cool to discover it.

Yesterday I treated myself to a movie and it was heaven sitting there with my OWN popcorn, and getting lost in the movie. Valentine's Day - CHEESY but fun and lighthearted, just what I needed.

This morning was Talia's Purim parade. I'm pooped...

One week post-op

Today marks one week since my surgery. I have made significant progress and I am pleased with how well I am taking care of myself. I am walking and up and around with little discomfort. I am off the heavy duty pain killers and only taking Advil a couple of times a day. I am able to do some stuff around the house but I am really trying to resist the urge to pick up things on the floor or do heavy lifting. I haven't carried Minna farther than from the rocking chair to the crib (and that was only once!).

What's been the biggest challenge are my emotions. I am like Niagara falls right now. All the bravery and strength I have kept up these last 8 months has finally started to crumble. I am accepting the fact that it's OK to fall apart, god knows I deserve a little freak out. But it's really all coming out. I am going from terrifying thoughts of recurrence, paranoid about what other shitty circumstances can come along in my life to turn it all upside down again. I am feeling more protective of my children and worried about them being in more dangerous situations, although I know that is just a result of the paranoia about life and it's fragility. I hate how I look right now - there is very little that is left of me that feels feminine. But I know in time that will change. I do have some hair but it's not what it used to be so who knows how it will all grow back in. I know that what really matters is that it will grow back. And over time the aftermath will feel less intense and I will have days when I don't even think about cancer. But at the moment that seems so far off.

I am talking about my feelings to a lot of people right now and allowing myself to cry and fall apart. And I know I will reach some sort of emotional equilibrium soon enough, but it sure is intense in the eye of the storm.

I am home a lot this week, resting, reading, watching Olympics etc. and this all gives me a lot of time to think. There is so much to face in the coming months. My priority now is to heal, get more mobile and allow myself the time to accept my new life and my new body.

Day 4/5

I started this yesterday but got too tired to finish it in one sitting:

I'm doing much better today. I am weaning myself from vicodin which means less of a fog all day but also a harder time sleeping and napping. My body will adjust, but it will be nice not to be on a narcotic again. I'm sure some of you would disagree. Actually last night was the first night of not sleeping with vicodin, only ibuprofen. I didn't sleep well at all. I am uncomfortable being stuck on my back all night but I'm not quite ready to sleep on my side.

The good news is each day when I wake up I feel more strength and mobility. This morning I actually made pancakes for everyone which was about as close to a hug or a snuggle as I could get for the girls. (the chocolate chips didn't hurt things either). It's hard being home alone all day and farming the kids out to various people, especially Minna. Talia is thrilled to have so many playdates but Minna breaks my heart when she leaves. It's almost as if she wants to sneak under my shirt with my bandaids and hide out until everyone else leaves so she can stay with me. I know it will pass but it's hard.

I am also starting to come down emotionally. I am finding myself crying over nothing. Just sitting at the table last night saying the prayers for shabbat and eating dinner with just my girls and Jason got me all verklempt. I don't know if it's the lack of estrogen or the let down of post surgery or just a combination of all the bullshit I've endured (most likely) but it's hard to see it coming and control it when it hits. I wonder what it will be like the next few weeks and how the Arimidex will help things (if at all).

I have a few drs appts coming up. Follow up/post op with my OB on March 1, then my oncologist the next day to start Arimidex. The following week I meet with the plastic surgeon to discuss the state of my boobs and then two weeks later one last meeting with the GYN oncologist that did my surgery to make sure things are healing well. So March will be easier, but still riddled with doctors and information. I'm tired just thinking about it. The good news is, mixed in with all of that are a few little getaways. And I'm totally psyched for all of that.

I'll post again soon - like I said each day is getting easier. At least physically.

brief update

Things went well. Surgery started at 3pm, I woke up in recovery at 7:30 and I was home in bed by 9pm. Really insane when you stop and think about how quick. My dad said I've probably got a boot mark on my ass from the hospital kicking me out the door. It did feel rather rushed. I dry heaved in the bathroom while trying to pee before I was discharged. The nurse stuck an alcohol swab on my nose and handed me an emisis basin for the ride home. I heaved again at home a couple of times and then it passed. Sleep was hard the first night. I had terrible pains in my shoulder from the gas they used to blow up my belly. But it's gone now and last night I slept much better. I think the toughest thing so far has been Minna! She is so confused about why mommy can't pick her up or cuddle with her. This morning she tried to sneak back in the house to stay with me, hoping Jason wouldn't notice. It broke my heart.

I'm tired, but feeling way better today than yesterday. I look forward to tomorrow. More soon...

feed me seymour

It's 4:40pm, I've made it with no food, only chicken broth, apple juice and water since I woke up this morning. It's just like Yom Kippur except I'm not exactly atoning for my sins. Haven't I already paid my dues? I'm starving and it doesn't help when you have to feed your kids or be around them while they are eating. Luckily Jason was home for most of the day today and he was on meal duty.

Surgery is at 2pm tomorrow. I have to be at the hospital at noon. I am hoping to be home by 8 or 9 tomorrow night. We'll see. I will post when I'm up to it, hopefully Wednesday. Thanks everyone for your continued support.

making the most of it

It's been a busy and fun filled week. Some nice lunch dates, lots of projects around the house, and lots of pampering. Mixed in with that was a pre-op appointment which lasted 2 hours and 45 minutes (as long as the damn surgery is supposed to be!). For those of you wondering, I have decided to go for the total hysterectomy (tubes, ovaries, uterus, etc.). I just feel better knowing I have eliminated all those unnecessary organs as possibilities for future problems. It's still outpatient, laparoscopic, which is just crazy to me. Basically they make two incisions on either side of my belly button and then another hole in my belly button for the camera. They blow up my abdomen with CO2 to make it like a dome and then the little robot equipment goes to work. They remove everything vaginally, so there's no major incision. I'll be unable to drive or lift anything heavy (including Minna) for 2 weeks, plus or minus a few days. I've made a ton of arrangements with my fabulous family to help with meals and rides. The pre-op appt was intense. Blood work, chest xray, meeting with anesthesia and a nurse from "surgery education". They go over EVERY SINGLE detail about your health. And of course my medical condition and history is way more complicated than the last time I had surgery. I have to be at the hospital at noon on Tuesday. The biggest bummer is that all day Monday I can only drink clear liquids, I can't eat any solid food. And then starting midnight Monday night, I can only drink water or apple juice, up until 10 am Tuesday morning. So I will basically be a raving bitch starting at about 10am Monday morning.... I should be home Tuesday night if everything goes according to plan.

In preparation for the operation I have been treating myself quite well. Mani/pedi, facial, yoga and some good swims (another one hopefully tomorrow). Yesterday I took Talia ice skating, just the two of us, and we had a blast! This morning was her intro to dance class which is fun and then my niece's 2nd birthday party. Tomorrow Talia has a playdate in the morning and a Valentine's Tea Party at our neighbor's house in the afternoon. Monday is another birthday party. So it's a full weekend, but I'm enjoying the time with the family. It's amazing, we told Talia over lunch today about my surgery and she's such a seasoned vet with this stuff. She asked a few questions and then moved on. It's a relief to have it out there and not have to whisper about everything. But of course I'd rather not have to put her or any of us through this again.

I've been working on a post that talks about all the good that has come out of this experience. It will be good to focus on that after this final surgery is over. Soon.

silence is golden

I've not got much to report since my last post. I am feeling OK. Well, pretty good relatively speaking. I am still tired and REALLY achy. The joint pain hasn't subsided, and I'm thinking perhaps a call to the oncologist might be in order soon. It seems as though it's gotten worse and I'm hoping it will wear off soon. It's so bad that even getting up from eating dinner is hard - you can practically hear my joints creaking. Oy.

I have been busy. This past weekend was one of the best I've had since before all of this shit descended upon us. Tot Shabbat dinner at Talia's school on Friday, a new dance class for Talia Saturday morning, lots of work on the house and dinner with my family on Saturday. Yesterday we went to a super bowl baby shower and it felt nice to be social (so what if I spent a lot of the time in the kids tree house).

I am getting my sea legs back in terms of being with the girls. I am doing more with both of them on my own and it's getting easier. They both seem so happy to have time with just me. It's literally been 6 months of me not being able to handle both of them on my own so having dinner tonight just the three of us was such a treat. They behaved wonderfully and we ended up having a macarena dance party in the living room after dinner (one of the songs/dances Talia learned this past weekend).

I plan to take full advantage of the rest of this week and get as much fun stuff under my belt before next Tuesday gets here. And then I know it's really only 2-3 weeks of feeling like shit. I am quite certain I can handle that.

Out with the old

Normally Tuesdays are devoted to lab work and scrambling to get all my errands run since it's the day of the week when I have the most energy. As a way to acknowledge the fact that I don't have to do labs OR chemo anymore, I just finished cleaning out my medicine cabinet of all the drugs I was taking the last 6 months. DISGUSTING. Zofran, Compazine, Emend, Decadron, bla bla bla. I was so excited to dump that shit out!

Sunday was my first day back in the pool since before Christmas. I was nervous about going, kept making up excuses. Jason finally convinced me I just needed to get off my ass and go (in a supportive way of course) so we went together and as soon as I hit the water and started moving, I felt better. Of course it's slow going. I only managed 10 laps on Sunday and then today I think it may have been less than that, but hey - I'm pretty psyched to say that 6 days after my last chemo I am back in the pool at all!

I have a LONG list of projects I hope to accomplish around the house in the next 2 weeks but I am also allowing myself to rest, relax and read. I have been reading some great books recently. Currently, I'm reading The Help and it's amazing. Before that was People of the Book which I also loved and before that was City of Thieves, a fun, quick read. It's nice to have room in my brain to stay focused on a story line and follow it through. That was hard while I was on AC.

Anyways, things are moving along. Two weeks from today is my surgery. I will be working on a schedule for coverage and help with the kids, etc. today and tomorrow and figuring out all the logistics. I won't be able to drive or lift Minna for two weeks which sucks, but as with everything else, I know I will get through it.

Off to lunch - more later...