on the other side

Yesterday felt great in so many ways and at the same time it felt scary and a bit sad. Kind of a weird feeling to be sad leaving the chemo ward. Nurse Cherie said it well: "When you are faced with a life threatening crisis like cancer, having a chemo regimen gives you a sense of security and when chemo ends you lose that sense of security". I couldn't agree more. I had a nice goodbye with the nursing staff. Jason walked around with the tray of cookies I made and shared them with the other patients while I finished my infusion.

We left the hospital and had lunch at our favorite spot, O'Chame. Then we went to IKEA and bought a few small items for the house. I came home and napped while Jason picked up Talia and then we headed out to Brennans for a small, low key celebration with family and a few friends. It was fun and exciting to finally be at the point of being able to say goodbye to chemo but man was I tired. I slept like a log last night and have felt pretty good all day. I feel like I'm in this weird state of exhaustion mixed with total hyperspastic energy. I had a VERY productive day and cooked a nice dinner. It's nice to think about the fact that from here on out each day I will start feeling better and better.

I've got three weeks to enjoy things until my next surgery. I plan to get back in the pool (I haven't been swimming since before Christmas!) and visit with friends a lot these next few weeks. And then I can start planning some nice things for the month of March. I am really looking forward to having the time and energy to focus on my body and my health.

Once again, I just need to take a moment to thank my incredibly large community of support. Without all of you these last 6 months would have been impossible. The parents at Talia's school have been wonderful. All of our family and their endless time and energy with the girls has been invaluable. I am incredibly proud of how well Talia and Minna have handled these last 6 months. Talia was soooooooo excited at my party last night. She made me a breast cancer ribbon pin out of model magic and I love it. And to all my friends who have sent me emails, texts, wrote on my wall on facebook, sent cards in the mail, etc. it's made all the difference in the world.

And last, to Jason: We've been married almost 7 years. I've been so happy having you as my partner all this time, but these last 6 months have TRULY proven what a great team we make and just how lucky I am to have found you and married you. I love you.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I Love Ya! Tomorrow, You're Only a Day Away!

We've been singing a lot of Annie songs recently, figured this was a good one to have stuck in my head!

home stretch - hallelujah!

I've bounced back from this last infusion much more quickly than in weeks past. The fatigue hasn't been quite such an ass-kicker. But I am noticing other side effects that are actually quite annoying. My joints ache SO bad, even when I get up from sitting for a mere 5 minutes. A hot shower every morning helps, but by the end of the day, walking up the stairs is a chore! I am also feeling some neuropathy in my fingers and a weird ache/pain in all my toes. And last, (hopefully!) is some weird vision stuff. A couple of times now I've woken up in the morning and my right eye is completely dark. It lasts for about 30 seconds and then it comes back into light. But it's a trip, I get confused thinking I just haven't opened my eyes. I saw the eye doc yesterday for my annual exam and he said it's unlikely that it's connected to chemo but I'm hoping it will clear up within the next few weeks. All these symptoms creeping up at the tail end of this shit makes me grateful that it only lasts 12 weeks (and maybe it's WHY it only lasts 12 weeks), the body can only take so much abuse.

I've spent some time getting ready for my last day of chemo. I bought the book Living Well Beyond Breast Cancer and have liked what I've read so far. And I've got the gifts for the nurses that I've spent the most time with. Burts Bees skincare gift packs and Peets gift cards. I will bake some cookies to give to the whole infusion center. On Wednesday evening I'm gathering with family and a few close friends at a local restaurant for a small and VERY low key celebration. It will be emotional on many levels, but mostly from the perspective of thanks. I literally would not be here, feeling as optimistic and happy, without the support of everyone around me. Every little bit helps. And hey - keep it coming, the ride's not quite over...

1 more

When the IV started beeping at the end of my infusion today I told the nurse that the machine was yelling "one more time! one more time!". It was a great feeling. I'm heading for a nap but feel very grateful that my time has been relatively smooth sailing. I am grateful for my family and all of their support. The hours upon hours my local family has devoted to caring for my kids is just incredible. And the long distance love and support from the rest of the family has been a treasure. I've bonded with family members I may not have otherwise and I consider that a gift.

A week from today will be huge. HUGE!

not so fast

So after my last post I started asking some people about hysterectomy vs oophrectomy and I am getting some mixed information about which is the best path to take. Some survivors are saying a hysterectomy isn't a good idea for various reasons, but mostly - why remove more body parts than are absolutely necessary. And I've been told there is the potential for things like prolapse of other organs without the presence of the uterus. The feedback from the GYN Oncologist and my OB is that the hysterectomy is perfectly fine. But I'm still doing research, so once again, this isn't a straight forward decision and I am feeling overwhelmed.

On Friday there was an article in the NY Times that really hit home. It's all about how to live "well" after breast cancer. And while it was informative and reassuring, I also found it quite depressing. Read it - it's worth it, and I ordered the book upon which the article is based.

So, I'm in the homestretch, but still feel like there is quite a mountain to climb...

next steps

So my appt with Dr. Ciavarino went well today. Jason was with me, we were ready with our questions. He was very nice and very knowledgeable. He started the appt by explaining how to do the oophrectomy and I asked him why we wouldn't just do a complete hysterectomy and remove everything that is a potential risk for cancer. He said there's nothing wrong with doing that. There's a slightly higher risk of complication from removing uterus, cervix, fallopian tubes and ovaries, as opposed to just ovaries and fallopian tubes. But it's totally reasonable to want to follow that course. I'm looking into this, asking my support group and a few other doctors, just to cover my bases.

As it stands now, my surgery is scheduled for February 16. I asked him why I can't wait a few more weeks so I can really heal from chemo and get my strength back up and he made a great point. Right now, my ovaries are shut down because of chemo. If I wait too long after chemo is over, my ovaries will start working again and I'll have all this estrogen pumping through my body, which we don't want. I'd have to start taking tamoxifen (which is the hormone therapy drug given to people who still have their ovaries) and then once I have my surgery, I'd have to switch to arimidex (given to people without their ovaries). I really don't want to go through having to switch my drug regimen and really it makes sense to just get this all over with. The good news is, by March 1, all the really hard surgery and treatment will be behind me. Then it'll just be my job to repair my body, rest and recover and gain back all the strength and stamina I've lost these last few months. And then I can focus on the reconstruction issues. The hysterectomy is an outpatient procedure (kind of crazy right?!?) Recovery should be a few weeks, but the good news is the whole thing can be done laparascopically so there won't be some nasty abdominal incision like a c-section. That made me happy to hear.

So now there are two dates to look forward to - January 27 and February 17 (the day after surgery). I'll have 3 weeks between these two milestones, and I plan to make the most of them....

almost there

Today's infusion went well. Easy IV, my two favorite nurses really doted on me and fought over who got to take care of me. I will miss Cherie and Rose a lot, they have been so kind to me. The chemo ward was busy today, and I was surrounded by some pretty unhappy people. One with a persistent cough and one that just looked miserable. In the quad of chairs next door someone fell down and hit her head. It was a huge commotion. It felt like a very unsettling day.

I was happy knowing I only have two more visits, but I feel this deep sense of disappointment tonight. I suppose I am feeling like January 27 doesn't really mean everything is done. It just paves the way for the next round. I worked on my list of questions tonight for my appt tomorrow and I've been busy setting up appts with different docs about my reconstruction issues. So I don't get much of a respite from treatment, it's just a change in scenery I guess. And I feel bummed about that.

Talia was a pill tonight and I was exhausted from chemo so I was not as nice and patient with her as I would have liked. After 40 minutes of her crying in bed, she said "Mommy, let's never have that fight again!"

2 more of everything

2 more times at the lab to draw blood. Although the phlebotomists are incredibly nice (they remember me and ask about my kids each week) I won't miss making the weekly trek to the lab, driving around looking for parking, etc. After tomorrow, 2 more infusions. We've gotten things down to quite a science, but I won't miss any of it.

This past weekend we celebrated Talia's 5th bday at "Pump It Up" - a giant warehouse full of bouncy houses, obstacle courses and huge slides. It was so fun. Not just for Talia (who trust me, had the time of her life running around with her good friends) but for all the grown ups too. For those of you who have seen me recently, I have been a limp noodle - such low energy. But on Saturday, I feel like I got a shot of adrenalin and was so into all the activities. I woke up Sunday morning so sore but have had more energy the last few days than I have the last few weeks. My blood counts are still pretty pathetic, but so far I haven't been stopped from having chemo. (knock on wood that continues).

I've been collecting my questions for my oncology appointment on Thursday, getting ready for another wave of information and decisions. We are considering whether to wait a few more weeks for this surgery so I give myself a little break between chemo and the next phase. But we'll know more after meeting with Dr. Guiseppe Ciarvino.

We are also dealing with decisions about my implants. I'm feeling a little dissatisfied with the way my "new" boobs look. There is a lot of rippling and weird shaping from the "bags" of saline (the tissue expanders). I can either do nothing, have gel implants put in instead of the saline ones I have now, or go for a more major surgery to move everything under the muscle instead of where it is now, under the skin only. I am not interested in going through another major surgery and recovery (and neither is Jason!) but we are gathering more info about what's involved in the gel implant procedure and whether it's worth it. I realize that in the grand scheme of things, the way my breasts look is not that important but I have another 50+ years to live with these suckers, I might as well do what I can to make them look decent.

I'm itching to get through the next couple of weeks...

3 more weeks! 3 more weeks!

I think I can I think I can! Another one down today. It was super easy and I was in and out in less than 2 hours again - IV went in nice and easy. I finished my book (City of Thieves - highly recommend it) and caught up on celebrity gossip. I'm home now, and I feel some mixed feelings about being this close to the finish line. Of course of course I am thrilled to think that in 3 weeks I will be able to say I'm done with chemo. But then what? I am scared about what lies ahead and what will fill my days as I'm awaiting surgery. In reality I know I'll have plenty to do, most importantly healing and resting and recharging my oh so depleted battery. But the next phase is of course another unknown and I don't do well with the unexpected.

I am hoping to take a few short trips to visit some friends and family in other parts of California. And once my energy starts to return to normal I am looking forward to spending more time in the pool and losing the 5 or 6 lbs I've gained since I started chemo. I am eating a lot and have not been very active so of course it's gonna effect my metabolism.

We are looking forward to returning to some sense of normalcy, even if it's a "new normal". Up next is the 14th - my appt with the GYN oncologist. We'll see what comes of that...

Happy #5 Talia!

This is a quick post - mostly to share the joy of today! Talia turns 5 and we are so proud of her! We have a busy day planned - out to breakfast, party at school, pedicure and then dinner at Fatapples. We are enjoying showering T with lots of love and special presents. She is such a big girl!

I am doing OK - the fatigue continues to be a challenge. Yesterday was the first day in 2 weeks that I didn't nap and I was exhausted by 8:30. I'm sleeping better (and more importantly, without any drugs!) which is fabulous. I'm also starting to get REALLY excited for January 27. I really cannot wait for the feeling of walking out of the infusion center for the last time. The nurses there are amazing. I am trying to think of a thoughtful gift to leave with them (other than baked goods) - anyone have any suggestions?

That's all for now - morning duties are calling!