I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. We had a successful dinner at our house (the first time we hosted) and the turkey I co-cooked with my inlaws turned out juicy and delicious! I was thrilled and mostly I was so appreciative of all of our guests for how much everyone pitched in to make it a truly EASY evening. We really spent most of the time just hanging out and being together, exactly what we all wanted.
I am finally feeling better from that cold. It has taken 10 days and I've got some residual symptoms but today was the first day I felt well enough to get back in the pool and swim my 1/2 mile. I was thrilled to get moving again.
It's hard to believe tomorrow is December and Hannukah starts in less than 2 weeks. Time is just moving so quickly, which is truly a blessing. Talia and I started a calendar to hang on the fridge that she can mark off each day to count down to her birthday and also the end of chemo for me. She loves drawing the X through each square and I also find it quite satisfying. :-)
I've got a low key week ahead of me - just taking it easy in the wake of the cold and then Friday Jason have a night away from the girls and we plan to have a nice dinner and hang out and enjoy some time together. Thank you Sue for taking them!
Onward and upward...
Monday, November 30, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Grateful and Gushy
Bear with me, I feel a gushy post is ahead.
3 down, 9 to go! Why the exclamation point when I am only a fourth of the way there? Well heck I'm trying to push through my funky mood and focus on the good things. Tomorrow being Thanksgiving and all, I have so very much to be grateful for. My infusion today went pretty well. I had a "sub"nurse from the Walnut Creek center and she was very nice but not as familiar with the equipment and as a result we had a little issue with my IV and needless to say there was a lot of blood and a big mess. She felt terrible, I know she really did. It didn't really hurt, but it was just annoying - as if it's not enough to have to deal with chemo every week. She kept apologizing and was very sweet but I am hoping next week Cherie or Rose are back with me again, I like some consistency and efficient nurses are my faves because it means I am in and out as quick as possible. I came home and slept for an hour and now I'm switching gears to start prepping for Thanksgiving. My cold is still center stage but the histamine blocker they gave me as part of my premeds this morning really dried up all the congestion so I'm taking advantage of feeling better while I can.
This Thanksgiving does bring up so many feelings and allows me to really stop and appreciate all the people in my life that have come through for me, mostly in the last 5 months. I won't name everyone, I am certain I'd leave someone out and that isn't my intention. But you know who you are and I love you for all you have done for me. From a hug, a meal, to running an errand, taking care of the girls, chemo visits, listening to me cry, sending me cards or a gift, to that text message at the perfect time just telling me you are thinking of me, oh and to Apple for inventing the iphone - my saving grace every day! - it has ALL played a profound part in my mental health helping me push through this process. And I do see it all as a process.
Last Friday I went to a restorative yoga class that is FABULOUS and the teacher always has something moving to say at the beginning of class. She is a therapist and brings a lot of that softness to her classes. She began talking about gratitude and thanksgiving and my mind started wandering to thinking about what I want to say to my family as we gather around the table. What should I talk about - I no doubt want to acknowledge what everyone has done for me. And then the teacher read this poem and I loved it and I think it's beautiful so I'm sharing it with all of you even though this means my family will know what I'm going to say before I say it. I would like to imagine that at each of your thanksgiving tables someone either silently to themselves or out loud to their loved ones, is saying the same thing and thinking of someone dear to them as they do.
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.
- Melody Beattie
I also wanted to share a link to a video that my friend Judy sent me. Her friend's daughter in law created, directed and choreographed this. I hadn't seen it before although now it's making it's rounds on Facebook. It's cute and uplifting..
3 down, 9 to go! Why the exclamation point when I am only a fourth of the way there? Well heck I'm trying to push through my funky mood and focus on the good things. Tomorrow being Thanksgiving and all, I have so very much to be grateful for. My infusion today went pretty well. I had a "sub"nurse from the Walnut Creek center and she was very nice but not as familiar with the equipment and as a result we had a little issue with my IV and needless to say there was a lot of blood and a big mess. She felt terrible, I know she really did. It didn't really hurt, but it was just annoying - as if it's not enough to have to deal with chemo every week. She kept apologizing and was very sweet but I am hoping next week Cherie or Rose are back with me again, I like some consistency and efficient nurses are my faves because it means I am in and out as quick as possible. I came home and slept for an hour and now I'm switching gears to start prepping for Thanksgiving. My cold is still center stage but the histamine blocker they gave me as part of my premeds this morning really dried up all the congestion so I'm taking advantage of feeling better while I can.
This Thanksgiving does bring up so many feelings and allows me to really stop and appreciate all the people in my life that have come through for me, mostly in the last 5 months. I won't name everyone, I am certain I'd leave someone out and that isn't my intention. But you know who you are and I love you for all you have done for me. From a hug, a meal, to running an errand, taking care of the girls, chemo visits, listening to me cry, sending me cards or a gift, to that text message at the perfect time just telling me you are thinking of me, oh and to Apple for inventing the iphone - my saving grace every day! - it has ALL played a profound part in my mental health helping me push through this process. And I do see it all as a process.
Last Friday I went to a restorative yoga class that is FABULOUS and the teacher always has something moving to say at the beginning of class. She is a therapist and brings a lot of that softness to her classes. She began talking about gratitude and thanksgiving and my mind started wandering to thinking about what I want to say to my family as we gather around the table. What should I talk about - I no doubt want to acknowledge what everyone has done for me. And then the teacher read this poem and I loved it and I think it's beautiful so I'm sharing it with all of you even though this means my family will know what I'm going to say before I say it. I would like to imagine that at each of your thanksgiving tables someone either silently to themselves or out loud to their loved ones, is saying the same thing and thinking of someone dear to them as they do.
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.
- Melody Beattie
I also wanted to share a link to a video that my friend Judy sent me. Her friend's daughter in law created, directed and choreographed this. I hadn't seen it before although now it's making it's rounds on Facebook. It's cute and uplifting..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEdVfyt-mLw
To everyone - I love you, I am thankful for you. Be well and happy this holiday and always. Happy Thanksgiving.
To everyone - I love you, I am thankful for you. Be well and happy this holiday and always. Happy Thanksgiving.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Blue
The last few days have been really difficult. I have been having some really intense mood swings, feeling really emotional and sorry for myself. I am feeling really overwhelmed by the current state of life and it's been hard to move beyond it. I am also feeling under the weather a bit - Minna's cold has made the rounds. Talia has it, I've got a mild case and Jason seems to have escaped with just a sore throat. Sleep has been challenging in our house so I'm also run down because of that. Put it all together and you get one depressed, weepy and grumpy mama. I am hoping the next couple of days will turn around and I'll be in a better place by Thanksgiving. I still can't believe its that time of year again. I no doubt have a lot to be thankful for - more on that later...
Thursday, November 19, 2009
No News is good
I don't have much to report. Did much better yesterday with the infusion - no problem starting IV and they gave me atarax instead of benadryl which was WAY better and tolerable. Got home around 2 and took a nap and then got up and hung out with the fam for the evening. Today I was up and at it like a normal day. I'm certainly tired and I don't enjoy the weird metallic taste in my mouth. But I can deal....
Minna is still sick but today she is showing signs of improvement, thank goodness. 5 days straight of a clingy, mopey, drippy girl is no fun for any of us. Of course Talia woke up with a sore throat and stuffy nose this morning so I'm just waiting.... and the advice nurse told me I should be wearing a mask and keeping my distance. I laughed at that... I refuse to live in a bubble and keep away from my kids. I will deal with the consequences. Hopefully acupuncture tomorrow will give me the tune up I need to get me through this illness infested house.
I am happy not to have more to report as of now...
Minna is still sick but today she is showing signs of improvement, thank goodness. 5 days straight of a clingy, mopey, drippy girl is no fun for any of us. Of course Talia woke up with a sore throat and stuffy nose this morning so I'm just waiting.... and the advice nurse told me I should be wearing a mask and keeping my distance. I laughed at that... I refuse to live in a bubble and keep away from my kids. I will deal with the consequences. Hopefully acupuncture tomorrow will give me the tune up I need to get me through this illness infested house.
I am happy not to have more to report as of now...
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Again Already?
Boy this week FLEW by. I felt mostly great throughout the days post chemo last week. Definitely tired, a couple of days where I had absolutely no taste buds and even water tasted terrible (I happen to love the way water tastes!). But I was able to cook and eat most anything and sleep came easy without any artificial assistance. I went out to a great dinner on Saturday night with Jason and his folks and sister. I got all dressed up and donned my wig and it was a really fun night out. And then Minna got sick. She woke up Sunday morning with a fever and she's still sick. And Talia hasn't been sleeping well so I am severely sleep deprived. I am one who requires 8 hours a night in order to function and be a nice human being and I am quite short on hours the last few days. I hate going into tomorrow feeling so wiped out, but I hope that with the help of the benadryl I will come home and have a nice long nap.
It's been hard adjusting to my new schedule. The week seemed to whiz past me. I now only have two days a week where it seems I feel "normal" and that will take some adjustment. Things just seem so much more hectic - maybe it's just my mood right now though? Having to visit the lab once a week is kind of a pain too. But I know the time will pass quickly.
I am hoping tomorrow will be easier than last week. With half the dose of benadryl perhaps it will not be as big of a production. And I'll be sure to drink lots of water in the morning so my veins don't give the nurses any problems. Now if only my girls would sleep, all would be (almost) right in the world....
It's been hard adjusting to my new schedule. The week seemed to whiz past me. I now only have two days a week where it seems I feel "normal" and that will take some adjustment. Things just seem so much more hectic - maybe it's just my mood right now though? Having to visit the lab once a week is kind of a pain too. But I know the time will pass quickly.
I am hoping tomorrow will be easier than last week. With half the dose of benadryl perhaps it will not be as big of a production. And I'll be sure to drink lots of water in the morning so my veins don't give the nurses any problems. Now if only my girls would sleep, all would be (almost) right in the world....
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
So far so good
So I'm here, online, feeling pretty good. Got to the hospital at 8:45 this morning. Talia was sad to say goodbye to me which made for a hard morning. She said on the way to drop her off, "I don't want you to change more Mommy" and that of course broke my heart. But she was OK once I left and I got a great video clip of her and Minna together while I was sitting in my chemo chair that made me happy, so thank you Sue for sending it!
My infusion started with some difficulty starting my IV - three attempts before they got it right. I jinxed it by asking all about how my veins were going to withstand weekly poking for 3 months and Cherie, the nurse, who I love, said "oh you have great veins, nothing to worry about" and lo and behold, she had to get another nurse to try. So that took 40 minutes, and then they started the IV of all the premeds - decadron and benadryl and one other antihistamine. Apparently with Taxol there is a high risk of anaphylaxis reaction (you stop breathing!) and the antihistamine helps to counteract that. But of course with that, comes some side effects and mine were heavy sleepiness, dizziness and nausea. The scrip was too strong for me and I wound up dry heaving once. So next time they will lower the dose. After 40 minutes of that, they started the Taxol. and Cherie literally sat there staring at me for 20 minutes while they s-l-o-w-l-y dripped the first of the taxol into my body. Any sign of trouble breathing or a myriad of other symptoms, they would stop the IV and flush my body. I seemed to do fine so they sped up the IV and left me for another hour while it did it's job. Jason was with me for most of this, but had to leave to go to work and my mom came a while later to pick me up and take me home. I slept for an hour and a half and woke up hungry and once I ate I felt much better. Here I am now, feeling mostly normal. I just hope tomorrow brings more of the same. Oh, and I also got the H1N1 shot today. Big day for my poor little body.
My infusion started with some difficulty starting my IV - three attempts before they got it right. I jinxed it by asking all about how my veins were going to withstand weekly poking for 3 months and Cherie, the nurse, who I love, said "oh you have great veins, nothing to worry about" and lo and behold, she had to get another nurse to try. So that took 40 minutes, and then they started the IV of all the premeds - decadron and benadryl and one other antihistamine. Apparently with Taxol there is a high risk of anaphylaxis reaction (you stop breathing!) and the antihistamine helps to counteract that. But of course with that, comes some side effects and mine were heavy sleepiness, dizziness and nausea. The scrip was too strong for me and I wound up dry heaving once. So next time they will lower the dose. After 40 minutes of that, they started the Taxol. and Cherie literally sat there staring at me for 20 minutes while they s-l-o-w-l-y dripped the first of the taxol into my body. Any sign of trouble breathing or a myriad of other symptoms, they would stop the IV and flush my body. I seemed to do fine so they sped up the IV and left me for another hour while it did it's job. Jason was with me for most of this, but had to leave to go to work and my mom came a while later to pick me up and take me home. I slept for an hour and a half and woke up hungry and once I ate I felt much better. Here I am now, feeling mostly normal. I just hope tomorrow brings more of the same. Oh, and I also got the H1N1 shot today. Big day for my poor little body.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Taxol Tomorrow
It's been a nice respite the last 2 weeks. I've felt great. Today I swam 3/4 mile - the most I've ever done. It felt GREAT. I am thrilled that I've felt so good. I only hope that the Taxol is kind to me. I am trying not to feel to anxious about starting up this next phase. I'll be glad when I know what it will feel like and how long it will take to recover between infusions. I am hoping the next three months whiz by. I'd bet with the holidays and all that comes along with them, time will fly. I just want to get to the end of January so I can move on to recovery and say goodbye to this crap!
A co-worker of mine gave me a great graphic novel called "Cancer Vixen" about a cartoonist who is diagnosed with breast cancer. It's the woman's memoir and it's really well done and so interesting to read. It's the first comic book I've been into! Thanks Cheryl for sending it to me - you hit the jackpot with both books. Also, I'll admit, I'm a fan of the show Brothers & Sisters and one of the characters is fighting lymphoma and on the last episode she shaved her head because her hair was starting to fall out from chemo. Jason asked me why in the world I'd want to watch a show like that right now, but for some reason I am hooked. I guess it all seems so realistic and I sure as hell can relate.
I'll be back again on the other side of tomorrow, hopefully feeling just as good as today!
A co-worker of mine gave me a great graphic novel called "Cancer Vixen" about a cartoonist who is diagnosed with breast cancer. It's the woman's memoir and it's really well done and so interesting to read. It's the first comic book I've been into! Thanks Cheryl for sending it to me - you hit the jackpot with both books. Also, I'll admit, I'm a fan of the show Brothers & Sisters and one of the characters is fighting lymphoma and on the last episode she shaved her head because her hair was starting to fall out from chemo. Jason asked me why in the world I'd want to watch a show like that right now, but for some reason I am hooked. I guess it all seems so realistic and I sure as hell can relate.
I'll be back again on the other side of tomorrow, hopefully feeling just as good as today!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Spa Bound
I have a week to go before I start Taxol. I am feeling pretty good. I leave for Calistoga in an hour for an overnight with my mom and I'm looking forward to some time away from the kids to just take care of myself. Massages, a nice dinner and some good old relaxation.
Halloween was a great time for all of us. Talia's friend came over to trick or treat with us and Minna really got into the whole scene. She figured out that all she had to do was walk up to people's houses and say "ditt or deat" and they would give her little packages and she would say "dank you" and walk away. She was so into it! The girls got a ton of loot. I was glad my last round of AC was far enough behind me that I felt well enough to get out and walk the neighborhood with them and really enjoy the festivities.
I continue to swim and it's been great. My stamina has improved so much - today I got up to almost 3/4 of a mile and then I got a terrible foot cramp and had to stop. But I'm thrilled with my progress.
Tomorrow my sister and nephew arrive for a visit and we are excited to spend time with them. Talia is SOOOOO excited to see Ethan. We are having a sleepover all together on Friday night which will be a lot of fun.
I am hoping the next week allows me to enjoy the end of the break before I start my next cycle of chemo. I know I will feel a huge sense of relief when I see how bad it makes me feel....
Halloween was a great time for all of us. Talia's friend came over to trick or treat with us and Minna really got into the whole scene. She figured out that all she had to do was walk up to people's houses and say "ditt or deat" and they would give her little packages and she would say "dank you" and walk away. She was so into it! The girls got a ton of loot. I was glad my last round of AC was far enough behind me that I felt well enough to get out and walk the neighborhood with them and really enjoy the festivities.
I continue to swim and it's been great. My stamina has improved so much - today I got up to almost 3/4 of a mile and then I got a terrible foot cramp and had to stop. But I'm thrilled with my progress.
Tomorrow my sister and nephew arrive for a visit and we are excited to spend time with them. Talia is SOOOOO excited to see Ethan. We are having a sleepover all together on Friday night which will be a lot of fun.
I am hoping the next week allows me to enjoy the end of the break before I start my next cycle of chemo. I know I will feel a huge sense of relief when I see how bad it makes me feel....
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