Freedom

Tonight at sundown Passover begins. Passover is the celebration of the freedom of the Jewish slaves from Egypt. We will be celebrating with my family and some close friends. For those of you not familiar with the traditions of Passover, it's a joyous, loud sort of reenactment of the Jews journey to freedom. We drink lots of wine, sing lots of songs and eat lots of bizarre food which symbolize the various experiences the Jews had during their quest for freedom.

I have been thinking a lot about my own journey to freedom from cancer and treatment and the cold dark winter. Now that the sun is shining I feel more alive than I have in months. I am smiling more and I have more energy. I am grateful that I am coming back to life and can truly appreciate all that lies ahead. I am very aware of all the challenges I still have to face but I feel more prepared to tackle them than ever before.

Jason spent the last 3 days in Arizona with some friends watching baseball and taking a much deserved vacation from life at home. Leading up to his trip I was anxious about how I would fare on my own with the girls. Sure, I spent some time with my family, but I was more independent than I have been in months. And I truly enjoyed every minute with the girls. It was one of the more blissful weekends I've had in a long long time. I felt relaxed, happy, calm and appreciative. It made me realize that I'm coming back into the world and it feels pretty darn amazing.

This blog has been an incredible medium in which to share my experiences and reach out to each and every one of you. I could never have managed to share this process - the good and bad - with everyone had I not had this place to let all my emotions out. But I feel ready to let it go. I've felt guilty these last few weeks about not posting to it, and to me that means it has lost it's purpose. I will reach out to people with news, and please feel free to email, text, FB, call, etc. if you want to catch up.

In parting, I want to share this poem I read when I was in Mendocino a few weeks ago:

And I thought over again
My small adventures
As with a shore-wind I drifted out
In my kayak
And thought I was in danger

My fears,
Those small ones
That I thought so big
For all the vital things
I had to get and to reach.

And yet there is only
One great thing,
The only thing:
To live to see in huts and on journeys
The great day that dawns,
And the light that fills the world.

The Latest

Hard to believe it's been almost a month since my last post. I'm not quite sure what to make of it but I do know this - tomorrow will be my last post. I've decided to retire the blog. But first, a bit of an update:

Physically I am significantly better. My hair is growing back like crazy. My eyebrows and eyelashes have made a come back, so much so that I had the joy of my first brow wax in 8 months last week and was elated when I saw the way they looked. The pain was totally worth it! I am also sporting a very short pixie cut of mostly this odd blondish/grayish/silvery soft straight hair. It's pretty bizarre when I look in the mirror to see this person that looks kind of like me, although I'll admit this whole experience has definitely aged me a bit.

The most significant health related news is this bizarre issue I've had to deal with the last few weeks. Three times over the course of the last 5 months, I have woken up in the morning and been unable to see out of my right eye. Twice it only lasted for 30 seconds, but the most recent time it lasted 5 full minutes. Slowly my vision would return but it was pretty distressing. It's only happened in the morning, so I don't feel concerned about driving or anything like that. I reported it to my doctor and within a few hours I was referred to have all kinds of tests done. I guess they were concerned about blood clots to my brain. I had an echo cardiogram to make sure my heart was functioning properly (which it was) a carotid ultrasound to make sure my carotid artery was carrying blood to my brain properly (which it was), a visit to the ophthalmologist, which confirmed everything was in order, and then a brain MRI which was the most nerve wracking for two reasons. First, the thought of a brain MRI is scary enough, and with the worry of recurrence and metastasis, well I won't even go there. But the MRI happened to be in the same building, even the same ROOM as the MRI where my cancer was first discovered. So needless to say, it was an emotionally intense experience. Thankfully the MRI was normal. So far the docs don't know what it is but the worry is not as high. I will see a neurologist for one last expert opinion. We'll see where that takes us...

My priority now is to exercise, eat well, get rest and let the sunshine and this season of rebirth help me recover from what I now consider the longest winter of my life.

Things are moving along

I'm not posting very often. Partly because there isn't much to report but also I haven't felt like it. I guess I'm busy enjoying being out and about and restoring my health. But it's been a mixed bag of feelings recently. I'm not happy with how I look so I'm feeling insecure. Last weekend all my eyebrows and eyelashes fell out. I had no idea that could still happen, considering chemo ended over a month ago. But according to everyone in my support group it is normal. I've got a lot more hair on my head and today I noticed there is a ton of hair on my legs, which is new - so that is encouraging. I might have to start shaving again soon - what a privilege!

We weaned Minna of the bottle this past weekend so sleep has been a little difficult. She cries a lot more at bedtime and then wakes up at 5 instead of 6:30 starving. So we are exhausted. Despite the fatigue of parenthood I am finding that I am regaining strength each day. It's slow, no doubt about it, but still noticeable. The recovery from surgery is frustrating. I feel good - I'm not in any pain, I am totally mobile and driving and lifting things. But my doc says no rigorous activity for 8 weeks which stinks. I can hopefully start swimming next week. But I was hoping to start something else soon too. I guess it's a good way to force myself to slow down and really allow my body to heal from all the torture.

My main focus over the next couple of months is a whole bunch of soul searching. This whole journey has changed my life in more ways than I could have imagined. It's a lot to process and sort through but I have lots of support to help me get to a good place. It will be an uphill climb but I'm hoping the view from the top will be rewarding!

All Clear

While I wasn't totally worried about the pathology results of my uterus, ovaries, cervix and fallopian tubes, I still found it a huge relief to get the call last night from the doctor that everything was JUST fine. I am thrilled.

I continue to feel better but I am starting to do more and getting more tired as a result. I am having trouble sleeping, mostly because my mind is spinning. I had a few nights of vertigo and thanks to a nifty tip from my dad, I did "Epley's Manuever" which is a series of poses to help overcome vertigo. I did the steps on Wednesday night and I've been OK ever since. It was cool to discover it.

Yesterday I treated myself to a movie and it was heaven sitting there with my OWN popcorn, and getting lost in the movie. Valentine's Day - CHEESY but fun and lighthearted, just what I needed.

This morning was Talia's Purim parade. I'm pooped...

One week post-op

Today marks one week since my surgery. I have made significant progress and I am pleased with how well I am taking care of myself. I am walking and up and around with little discomfort. I am off the heavy duty pain killers and only taking Advil a couple of times a day. I am able to do some stuff around the house but I am really trying to resist the urge to pick up things on the floor or do heavy lifting. I haven't carried Minna farther than from the rocking chair to the crib (and that was only once!).

What's been the biggest challenge are my emotions. I am like Niagara falls right now. All the bravery and strength I have kept up these last 8 months has finally started to crumble. I am accepting the fact that it's OK to fall apart, god knows I deserve a little freak out. But it's really all coming out. I am going from terrifying thoughts of recurrence, paranoid about what other shitty circumstances can come along in my life to turn it all upside down again. I am feeling more protective of my children and worried about them being in more dangerous situations, although I know that is just a result of the paranoia about life and it's fragility. I hate how I look right now - there is very little that is left of me that feels feminine. But I know in time that will change. I do have some hair but it's not what it used to be so who knows how it will all grow back in. I know that what really matters is that it will grow back. And over time the aftermath will feel less intense and I will have days when I don't even think about cancer. But at the moment that seems so far off.

I am talking about my feelings to a lot of people right now and allowing myself to cry and fall apart. And I know I will reach some sort of emotional equilibrium soon enough, but it sure is intense in the eye of the storm.

I am home a lot this week, resting, reading, watching Olympics etc. and this all gives me a lot of time to think. There is so much to face in the coming months. My priority now is to heal, get more mobile and allow myself the time to accept my new life and my new body.

Day 4/5

I started this yesterday but got too tired to finish it in one sitting:

I'm doing much better today. I am weaning myself from vicodin which means less of a fog all day but also a harder time sleeping and napping. My body will adjust, but it will be nice not to be on a narcotic again. I'm sure some of you would disagree. Actually last night was the first night of not sleeping with vicodin, only ibuprofen. I didn't sleep well at all. I am uncomfortable being stuck on my back all night but I'm not quite ready to sleep on my side.

The good news is each day when I wake up I feel more strength and mobility. This morning I actually made pancakes for everyone which was about as close to a hug or a snuggle as I could get for the girls. (the chocolate chips didn't hurt things either). It's hard being home alone all day and farming the kids out to various people, especially Minna. Talia is thrilled to have so many playdates but Minna breaks my heart when she leaves. It's almost as if she wants to sneak under my shirt with my bandaids and hide out until everyone else leaves so she can stay with me. I know it will pass but it's hard.

I am also starting to come down emotionally. I am finding myself crying over nothing. Just sitting at the table last night saying the prayers for shabbat and eating dinner with just my girls and Jason got me all verklempt. I don't know if it's the lack of estrogen or the let down of post surgery or just a combination of all the bullshit I've endured (most likely) but it's hard to see it coming and control it when it hits. I wonder what it will be like the next few weeks and how the Arimidex will help things (if at all).

I have a few drs appts coming up. Follow up/post op with my OB on March 1, then my oncologist the next day to start Arimidex. The following week I meet with the plastic surgeon to discuss the state of my boobs and then two weeks later one last meeting with the GYN oncologist that did my surgery to make sure things are healing well. So March will be easier, but still riddled with doctors and information. I'm tired just thinking about it. The good news is, mixed in with all of that are a few little getaways. And I'm totally psyched for all of that.

I'll post again soon - like I said each day is getting easier. At least physically.

brief update

Things went well. Surgery started at 3pm, I woke up in recovery at 7:30 and I was home in bed by 9pm. Really insane when you stop and think about how quick. My dad said I've probably got a boot mark on my ass from the hospital kicking me out the door. It did feel rather rushed. I dry heaved in the bathroom while trying to pee before I was discharged. The nurse stuck an alcohol swab on my nose and handed me an emisis basin for the ride home. I heaved again at home a couple of times and then it passed. Sleep was hard the first night. I had terrible pains in my shoulder from the gas they used to blow up my belly. But it's gone now and last night I slept much better. I think the toughest thing so far has been Minna! She is so confused about why mommy can't pick her up or cuddle with her. This morning she tried to sneak back in the house to stay with me, hoping Jason wouldn't notice. It broke my heart.

I'm tired, but feeling way better today than yesterday. I look forward to tomorrow. More soon...

feed me seymour

It's 4:40pm, I've made it with no food, only chicken broth, apple juice and water since I woke up this morning. It's just like Yom Kippur except I'm not exactly atoning for my sins. Haven't I already paid my dues? I'm starving and it doesn't help when you have to feed your kids or be around them while they are eating. Luckily Jason was home for most of the day today and he was on meal duty.

Surgery is at 2pm tomorrow. I have to be at the hospital at noon. I am hoping to be home by 8 or 9 tomorrow night. We'll see. I will post when I'm up to it, hopefully Wednesday. Thanks everyone for your continued support.

making the most of it

It's been a busy and fun filled week. Some nice lunch dates, lots of projects around the house, and lots of pampering. Mixed in with that was a pre-op appointment which lasted 2 hours and 45 minutes (as long as the damn surgery is supposed to be!). For those of you wondering, I have decided to go for the total hysterectomy (tubes, ovaries, uterus, etc.). I just feel better knowing I have eliminated all those unnecessary organs as possibilities for future problems. It's still outpatient, laparoscopic, which is just crazy to me. Basically they make two incisions on either side of my belly button and then another hole in my belly button for the camera. They blow up my abdomen with CO2 to make it like a dome and then the little robot equipment goes to work. They remove everything vaginally, so there's no major incision. I'll be unable to drive or lift anything heavy (including Minna) for 2 weeks, plus or minus a few days. I've made a ton of arrangements with my fabulous family to help with meals and rides. The pre-op appt was intense. Blood work, chest xray, meeting with anesthesia and a nurse from "surgery education". They go over EVERY SINGLE detail about your health. And of course my medical condition and history is way more complicated than the last time I had surgery. I have to be at the hospital at noon on Tuesday. The biggest bummer is that all day Monday I can only drink clear liquids, I can't eat any solid food. And then starting midnight Monday night, I can only drink water or apple juice, up until 10 am Tuesday morning. So I will basically be a raving bitch starting at about 10am Monday morning.... I should be home Tuesday night if everything goes according to plan.

In preparation for the operation I have been treating myself quite well. Mani/pedi, facial, yoga and some good swims (another one hopefully tomorrow). Yesterday I took Talia ice skating, just the two of us, and we had a blast! This morning was her intro to dance class which is fun and then my niece's 2nd birthday party. Tomorrow Talia has a playdate in the morning and a Valentine's Tea Party at our neighbor's house in the afternoon. Monday is another birthday party. So it's a full weekend, but I'm enjoying the time with the family. It's amazing, we told Talia over lunch today about my surgery and she's such a seasoned vet with this stuff. She asked a few questions and then moved on. It's a relief to have it out there and not have to whisper about everything. But of course I'd rather not have to put her or any of us through this again.

I've been working on a post that talks about all the good that has come out of this experience. It will be good to focus on that after this final surgery is over. Soon.

silence is golden

I've not got much to report since my last post. I am feeling OK. Well, pretty good relatively speaking. I am still tired and REALLY achy. The joint pain hasn't subsided, and I'm thinking perhaps a call to the oncologist might be in order soon. It seems as though it's gotten worse and I'm hoping it will wear off soon. It's so bad that even getting up from eating dinner is hard - you can practically hear my joints creaking. Oy.

I have been busy. This past weekend was one of the best I've had since before all of this shit descended upon us. Tot Shabbat dinner at Talia's school on Friday, a new dance class for Talia Saturday morning, lots of work on the house and dinner with my family on Saturday. Yesterday we went to a super bowl baby shower and it felt nice to be social (so what if I spent a lot of the time in the kids tree house).

I am getting my sea legs back in terms of being with the girls. I am doing more with both of them on my own and it's getting easier. They both seem so happy to have time with just me. It's literally been 6 months of me not being able to handle both of them on my own so having dinner tonight just the three of us was such a treat. They behaved wonderfully and we ended up having a macarena dance party in the living room after dinner (one of the songs/dances Talia learned this past weekend).

I plan to take full advantage of the rest of this week and get as much fun stuff under my belt before next Tuesday gets here. And then I know it's really only 2-3 weeks of feeling like shit. I am quite certain I can handle that.

Out with the old

Normally Tuesdays are devoted to lab work and scrambling to get all my errands run since it's the day of the week when I have the most energy. As a way to acknowledge the fact that I don't have to do labs OR chemo anymore, I just finished cleaning out my medicine cabinet of all the drugs I was taking the last 6 months. DISGUSTING. Zofran, Compazine, Emend, Decadron, bla bla bla. I was so excited to dump that shit out!

Sunday was my first day back in the pool since before Christmas. I was nervous about going, kept making up excuses. Jason finally convinced me I just needed to get off my ass and go (in a supportive way of course) so we went together and as soon as I hit the water and started moving, I felt better. Of course it's slow going. I only managed 10 laps on Sunday and then today I think it may have been less than that, but hey - I'm pretty psyched to say that 6 days after my last chemo I am back in the pool at all!

I have a LONG list of projects I hope to accomplish around the house in the next 2 weeks but I am also allowing myself to rest, relax and read. I have been reading some great books recently. Currently, I'm reading The Help and it's amazing. Before that was People of the Book which I also loved and before that was City of Thieves, a fun, quick read. It's nice to have room in my brain to stay focused on a story line and follow it through. That was hard while I was on AC.

Anyways, things are moving along. Two weeks from today is my surgery. I will be working on a schedule for coverage and help with the kids, etc. today and tomorrow and figuring out all the logistics. I won't be able to drive or lift Minna for two weeks which sucks, but as with everything else, I know I will get through it.

Off to lunch - more later...

on the other side

Yesterday felt great in so many ways and at the same time it felt scary and a bit sad. Kind of a weird feeling to be sad leaving the chemo ward. Nurse Cherie said it well: "When you are faced with a life threatening crisis like cancer, having a chemo regimen gives you a sense of security and when chemo ends you lose that sense of security". I couldn't agree more. I had a nice goodbye with the nursing staff. Jason walked around with the tray of cookies I made and shared them with the other patients while I finished my infusion.

We left the hospital and had lunch at our favorite spot, O'Chame. Then we went to IKEA and bought a few small items for the house. I came home and napped while Jason picked up Talia and then we headed out to Brennans for a small, low key celebration with family and a few friends. It was fun and exciting to finally be at the point of being able to say goodbye to chemo but man was I tired. I slept like a log last night and have felt pretty good all day. I feel like I'm in this weird state of exhaustion mixed with total hyperspastic energy. I had a VERY productive day and cooked a nice dinner. It's nice to think about the fact that from here on out each day I will start feeling better and better.

I've got three weeks to enjoy things until my next surgery. I plan to get back in the pool (I haven't been swimming since before Christmas!) and visit with friends a lot these next few weeks. And then I can start planning some nice things for the month of March. I am really looking forward to having the time and energy to focus on my body and my health.

Once again, I just need to take a moment to thank my incredibly large community of support. Without all of you these last 6 months would have been impossible. The parents at Talia's school have been wonderful. All of our family and their endless time and energy with the girls has been invaluable. I am incredibly proud of how well Talia and Minna have handled these last 6 months. Talia was soooooooo excited at my party last night. She made me a breast cancer ribbon pin out of model magic and I love it. And to all my friends who have sent me emails, texts, wrote on my wall on facebook, sent cards in the mail, etc. it's made all the difference in the world.

And last, to Jason: We've been married almost 7 years. I've been so happy having you as my partner all this time, but these last 6 months have TRULY proven what a great team we make and just how lucky I am to have found you and married you. I love you.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I Love Ya! Tomorrow, You're Only a Day Away!

We've been singing a lot of Annie songs recently, figured this was a good one to have stuck in my head!

home stretch - hallelujah!

I've bounced back from this last infusion much more quickly than in weeks past. The fatigue hasn't been quite such an ass-kicker. But I am noticing other side effects that are actually quite annoying. My joints ache SO bad, even when I get up from sitting for a mere 5 minutes. A hot shower every morning helps, but by the end of the day, walking up the stairs is a chore! I am also feeling some neuropathy in my fingers and a weird ache/pain in all my toes. And last, (hopefully!) is some weird vision stuff. A couple of times now I've woken up in the morning and my right eye is completely dark. It lasts for about 30 seconds and then it comes back into light. But it's a trip, I get confused thinking I just haven't opened my eyes. I saw the eye doc yesterday for my annual exam and he said it's unlikely that it's connected to chemo but I'm hoping it will clear up within the next few weeks. All these symptoms creeping up at the tail end of this shit makes me grateful that it only lasts 12 weeks (and maybe it's WHY it only lasts 12 weeks), the body can only take so much abuse.

I've spent some time getting ready for my last day of chemo. I bought the book Living Well Beyond Breast Cancer and have liked what I've read so far. And I've got the gifts for the nurses that I've spent the most time with. Burts Bees skincare gift packs and Peets gift cards. I will bake some cookies to give to the whole infusion center. On Wednesday evening I'm gathering with family and a few close friends at a local restaurant for a small and VERY low key celebration. It will be emotional on many levels, but mostly from the perspective of thanks. I literally would not be here, feeling as optimistic and happy, without the support of everyone around me. Every little bit helps. And hey - keep it coming, the ride's not quite over...

1 more

When the IV started beeping at the end of my infusion today I told the nurse that the machine was yelling "one more time! one more time!". It was a great feeling. I'm heading for a nap but feel very grateful that my time has been relatively smooth sailing. I am grateful for my family and all of their support. The hours upon hours my local family has devoted to caring for my kids is just incredible. And the long distance love and support from the rest of the family has been a treasure. I've bonded with family members I may not have otherwise and I consider that a gift.

A week from today will be huge. HUGE!

not so fast

So after my last post I started asking some people about hysterectomy vs oophrectomy and I am getting some mixed information about which is the best path to take. Some survivors are saying a hysterectomy isn't a good idea for various reasons, but mostly - why remove more body parts than are absolutely necessary. And I've been told there is the potential for things like prolapse of other organs without the presence of the uterus. The feedback from the GYN Oncologist and my OB is that the hysterectomy is perfectly fine. But I'm still doing research, so once again, this isn't a straight forward decision and I am feeling overwhelmed.

On Friday there was an article in the NY Times that really hit home. It's all about how to live "well" after breast cancer. And while it was informative and reassuring, I also found it quite depressing. Read it - it's worth it, and I ordered the book upon which the article is based.

So, I'm in the homestretch, but still feel like there is quite a mountain to climb...

next steps

So my appt with Dr. Ciavarino went well today. Jason was with me, we were ready with our questions. He was very nice and very knowledgeable. He started the appt by explaining how to do the oophrectomy and I asked him why we wouldn't just do a complete hysterectomy and remove everything that is a potential risk for cancer. He said there's nothing wrong with doing that. There's a slightly higher risk of complication from removing uterus, cervix, fallopian tubes and ovaries, as opposed to just ovaries and fallopian tubes. But it's totally reasonable to want to follow that course. I'm looking into this, asking my support group and a few other doctors, just to cover my bases.

As it stands now, my surgery is scheduled for February 16. I asked him why I can't wait a few more weeks so I can really heal from chemo and get my strength back up and he made a great point. Right now, my ovaries are shut down because of chemo. If I wait too long after chemo is over, my ovaries will start working again and I'll have all this estrogen pumping through my body, which we don't want. I'd have to start taking tamoxifen (which is the hormone therapy drug given to people who still have their ovaries) and then once I have my surgery, I'd have to switch to arimidex (given to people without their ovaries). I really don't want to go through having to switch my drug regimen and really it makes sense to just get this all over with. The good news is, by March 1, all the really hard surgery and treatment will be behind me. Then it'll just be my job to repair my body, rest and recover and gain back all the strength and stamina I've lost these last few months. And then I can focus on the reconstruction issues. The hysterectomy is an outpatient procedure (kind of crazy right?!?) Recovery should be a few weeks, but the good news is the whole thing can be done laparascopically so there won't be some nasty abdominal incision like a c-section. That made me happy to hear.

So now there are two dates to look forward to - January 27 and February 17 (the day after surgery). I'll have 3 weeks between these two milestones, and I plan to make the most of them....

almost there

Today's infusion went well. Easy IV, my two favorite nurses really doted on me and fought over who got to take care of me. I will miss Cherie and Rose a lot, they have been so kind to me. The chemo ward was busy today, and I was surrounded by some pretty unhappy people. One with a persistent cough and one that just looked miserable. In the quad of chairs next door someone fell down and hit her head. It was a huge commotion. It felt like a very unsettling day.

I was happy knowing I only have two more visits, but I feel this deep sense of disappointment tonight. I suppose I am feeling like January 27 doesn't really mean everything is done. It just paves the way for the next round. I worked on my list of questions tonight for my appt tomorrow and I've been busy setting up appts with different docs about my reconstruction issues. So I don't get much of a respite from treatment, it's just a change in scenery I guess. And I feel bummed about that.

Talia was a pill tonight and I was exhausted from chemo so I was not as nice and patient with her as I would have liked. After 40 minutes of her crying in bed, she said "Mommy, let's never have that fight again!"

2 more of everything

2 more times at the lab to draw blood. Although the phlebotomists are incredibly nice (they remember me and ask about my kids each week) I won't miss making the weekly trek to the lab, driving around looking for parking, etc. After tomorrow, 2 more infusions. We've gotten things down to quite a science, but I won't miss any of it.

This past weekend we celebrated Talia's 5th bday at "Pump It Up" - a giant warehouse full of bouncy houses, obstacle courses and huge slides. It was so fun. Not just for Talia (who trust me, had the time of her life running around with her good friends) but for all the grown ups too. For those of you who have seen me recently, I have been a limp noodle - such low energy. But on Saturday, I feel like I got a shot of adrenalin and was so into all the activities. I woke up Sunday morning so sore but have had more energy the last few days than I have the last few weeks. My blood counts are still pretty pathetic, but so far I haven't been stopped from having chemo. (knock on wood that continues).

I've been collecting my questions for my oncology appointment on Thursday, getting ready for another wave of information and decisions. We are considering whether to wait a few more weeks for this surgery so I give myself a little break between chemo and the next phase. But we'll know more after meeting with Dr. Guiseppe Ciarvino.

We are also dealing with decisions about my implants. I'm feeling a little dissatisfied with the way my "new" boobs look. There is a lot of rippling and weird shaping from the "bags" of saline (the tissue expanders). I can either do nothing, have gel implants put in instead of the saline ones I have now, or go for a more major surgery to move everything under the muscle instead of where it is now, under the skin only. I am not interested in going through another major surgery and recovery (and neither is Jason!) but we are gathering more info about what's involved in the gel implant procedure and whether it's worth it. I realize that in the grand scheme of things, the way my breasts look is not that important but I have another 50+ years to live with these suckers, I might as well do what I can to make them look decent.

I'm itching to get through the next couple of weeks...

3 more weeks! 3 more weeks!

I think I can I think I can! Another one down today. It was super easy and I was in and out in less than 2 hours again - IV went in nice and easy. I finished my book (City of Thieves - highly recommend it) and caught up on celebrity gossip. I'm home now, and I feel some mixed feelings about being this close to the finish line. Of course of course I am thrilled to think that in 3 weeks I will be able to say I'm done with chemo. But then what? I am scared about what lies ahead and what will fill my days as I'm awaiting surgery. In reality I know I'll have plenty to do, most importantly healing and resting and recharging my oh so depleted battery. But the next phase is of course another unknown and I don't do well with the unexpected.

I am hoping to take a few short trips to visit some friends and family in other parts of California. And once my energy starts to return to normal I am looking forward to spending more time in the pool and losing the 5 or 6 lbs I've gained since I started chemo. I am eating a lot and have not been very active so of course it's gonna effect my metabolism.

We are looking forward to returning to some sense of normalcy, even if it's a "new normal". Up next is the 14th - my appt with the GYN oncologist. We'll see what comes of that...

Happy #5 Talia!

This is a quick post - mostly to share the joy of today! Talia turns 5 and we are so proud of her! We have a busy day planned - out to breakfast, party at school, pedicure and then dinner at Fatapples. We are enjoying showering T with lots of love and special presents. She is such a big girl!

I am doing OK - the fatigue continues to be a challenge. Yesterday was the first day in 2 weeks that I didn't nap and I was exhausted by 8:30. I'm sleeping better (and more importantly, without any drugs!) which is fabulous. I'm also starting to get REALLY excited for January 27. I really cannot wait for the feeling of walking out of the infusion center for the last time. The nurses there are amazing. I am trying to think of a thoughtful gift to leave with them (other than baked goods) - anyone have any suggestions?

That's all for now - morning duties are calling!