So long 2009, bring on 2010!

We arrived home from vacation yesterday afternoon. All in all it was nice but at times it was challenging because of my extremely low energy. I couldn't do nearly as much as I would have liked - with the kids, or by myself. The girls didn't sleep great on the trip so everyone was overly tired. But being together without the distractions of everyday life was really wonderful. And I think the best thing was watching Talia and Minna spend so much time together and become closer. At home, they are always flitting about in transition - from school and nanny to playdates and errands and they never get concentrated time together. The bonding on our trip was wonderful to observe. After a 6 hour drive and a quick stop at the lab for my weekly blood draw, we were happy to get home and return to our toys and beds!

Today was my 8th Taxol infusion - which means only 4 left! Hooray! It went without incident, which is always a good thing. I have been having a hard time sleeping (not just because of the girls) but today I came home and took a 90 minute nap which was heavenly. It was a hard re-entry from vacation back to reality but it's nice knowing I can count on one hand the number of infusions I have left.

On the way home from LA yesterday I got a call to schedule my appointment with the GYN oncologist. I see him on January 14 and they have tentatively scheduled my surgery for February 16 but I don't yet know what that surgery will be (whether oophrectomy or hysterectomy) so that is a very tentative date. I want to gather information, possibly seek a second opinion, etc. It's odd that the last time we drove home from LA (on July 5) I got a call from the surgeon telling me it was most likely cancer - what is it about these long drives that always bring about these types of phone calls?!?!

I have mixed feelings about this next step - of course I am happy to keep this treatment train going - why sit around and wait any longer than necessary, but there is a part of me that is sad to think about losing the ability to reproduce and I'm scared about menopause. Sure, I'm having hot flashes, but I have a feeling I ain't seen nothing yet. I'll have a lot more to report after January 14.

And so - goodbye to 2009 - to diagnosis, surgery, AC and 8 of Taxol. Goodbye to the unknown and bad surprises. Hello to 2010! To Talia turning 5 (on Tuesday!), Minna turning 2, Talia starting Kindergarten and Minna starting preschool. Bring on all these happy moments in our lives and mostly, bring on health to me and everyone around me. Have a wonderful new year everyone and thanks for reading this, and sending me all the love, support and wishes you have. It makes a difference each and everyday!

6 & 6

I head to chemo tomorrow again - one day sooner than usual because we are heading out of town on vacation. That means one less day for my body to recover. My counts were lower today which I'm not surprised about. But recently I've developed some annoying side effects. One is a rash all over my hands which is itchy and hurts. There's nothing to do about it except hydrocortisone cream on it which I don't want to do because my hands are constantly in Minna and Talia's face and I don't want to rub that stuff all over them.... and the other thing is a constant sore throat and raspy voice. As a child I remember going into a closet with my friend Laurel and screaming to try and lose my voice just so I could sound like this. But it's a pain in the ass. I wake up all night long with this awful throat pain and so far nothing I've tried works. I ran the humidifier last night but it made no difference. I'll ask the nurses tomorrow if they have any tricks up their sleeves. I can really see the Taxol taking it's toll on my body. I feel like I'm exhausted round the clock no matter how much sleep I get.

Saturday night we had a nice break from the girls. My mom and Rich took them both overnight and we went out on a double date with some friends to a nice dinner. And before dinner we went and saw An Education which was a great movie. Go see it! I slept 9 hours that night which is the most I've gotten in weeks or months, and when I woke up I felt great. But after my swim that morning, I felt like I needed another nap. The fatigue is just the pits. I can't WAIT for this to be over.

I expect to get a call from the GYN oncologist soon to schedule my appointment to discuss my oophrectomy or hysterectomy. That's the next hurdle to to get past. I'll be happy once I have all the information gathered so I know what/when/how...

We are neck deep in Kindergarten decisions and simultaneously trying to think about summer plans (both vacations and summer camps for Talia)... never a dull moment...

Ode to Cooper

I'm at my halfway point with chemo - it's all downhill from here! It was the easiest infusion yet - IV went in super easy, in and out of the hospital in under 2 hours. I was there alone too, which at first I thought would be depressing but I actually LOVED being there by myself and I just really relaxed. I read my book (American Wife) and played on my phone and caught up on emails. I'm not saying I want to go by myself every time but having to do it wasn't that bad. Also, the nurse agreed to let me skip the decadron which is the steroid that has been making me feel so buzzed. It made a HUGE difference. I wasn't nearly as hyper as I have been the past few weeks. I felt pretty normal all afternoon and evening. I had trouble sleeping last night but I know there are other reasons for that....

This morning at 3:30 my mom's dog Cooper passed away. He was 15. A beautiful golden retriever. He died peacefully but of course we are all sad. Talia cried a lot this morning and she made my mom a beautiful card. I helped my mom get Cooper to the vet and say goodbye to him. Off to doggie heaven to chase balls and butterflies... We LOVE you Cooper.

And on to another weekend - filled with celebration, dinner dates and holiday festivities. And hopefully a few naps.

Tis the season

This past weekend was a doozy! We had Hannukah parties both nights and then Jason's birthday was Sunday. Going into the weekend, I was anxious about how I would hold up against all the holiday buzz and it ended up being a mixed bag. Being at big parties with lots of people I haven't seen in a while was challenging. I was insecure about how I looked and found it hard at times to carry on a conversation about "normal" stuff. "What are your plans for new years eve?" oh I'm having chemo that day. Things like that. It just amplified how screwed up life is right now. At one party, a woman I barely know sat down next to me and said "what happened to you, what do you have". It made it hard to just relax and be myself. But, in the end I got through it and managed to enjoy myself for the most part. Having the girls there certainly allowed me a good excuse to quickly exit a difficult conversation without having to think of a reason :-)

Jason's birthday was hard as well. I wanted so badly to make it special and fabulous but being sleep deprived, fighting a cold and being exhausted from 5 weeks of chemo made it very hard to just get up and give it my all. I felt terribly guilty about not coming through the way I normally do for special occasions. Oh, and Minna had ANOTHER fever Sunday so she was extra cranky and clingy. We got through the day and managed to have a nice quiet celebration in spite of all the forces working against us.

Tomorrow is #6. That marks the halfway point for Taxol and only 6 more weeks of chemo F-O-R-E-V-E-R!!!!! My body is REALLY feeling the cumulative effects of the chemo. I just feel achy and sore and tired and irritable all the time. And the hot flashes, don't get me started on the hot flashes. They wake me up at night and I can't figure out how to keep a comfortable temperature. I'm either burning up or freezing! Sleep has been really challenging the last couple of weeks. Either one of the girls is up or I wake up and can't get back to sleep. It's pretty frustrating.

Today I am off to the lab, a swim and pedicure. I am looking forward to an easy, grown-up, take care of me kind of day.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow will mark 5 months since my diagnosis. In some ways, I can't believe it's ONLY been 5 months, I hardly remember what life was like before July 9. But in other ways, I can't believe how quickly time has passed since that fateful day. The girls were both home sick with me the last two days which have made for some very l-o-n-g days. But thanks to my ever so helpful and willing family I was able to get through it OK. They are both better and will be returning to their routines tomorrow, yay! As we drove home tonight along Grizzly Peak in Berkeley, there were so many houses out with christmas lights. Minna, every time she saw a house all lit up, would yell "more lights!" and wouldn't stop until the next house, and so on... It made for an entertaining ride home. I got lost in my thoughts about how I got from a trip to Hawaii in the midst of the chaos that comes with diagnosis, the hot summer sun, tank tops and sunscreen all the way to snow on the road this morning, uggs and a north face down jacket. I swear I just blinked my eyes.

I think I'm also feeling this significant passage of time because I had an appt with my oncologist today and we talked about my meeting with the GYN oncologist in early January. This is exciting on several fronts - 1) it means I am nearing the end of chemo, which is totally fucking terrific 2) I can get more information on my decision about either having just my ovaries removed (oophrectomy) or a total hysterectomy where they remove my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes and 3) I can start to think about life after cancer treatment. Clearly #3 is the MOST significant point to consider. I can't say there will ever be life "after cancer" but definitely after treatment. There is a difference.

I'm starting to grow some hair back on my head but it's like rabbit fur. The doc said it's not what will stick around. My permanent hair will grow in over it. It's soft and light. Someone said today, "oh it's growing in blond how nice!" Uh. Nope. Honey that's gray. Thanks for being so optimistic but that is all gray. I've been wearing a lot of beanies and getting some compliments on them. I love wearing them, it's so cold (relatively speaking, I know what all my east coast family is thinking when they read this). But I can't imagine wanting to ever wear these hats again when I'm past chemo treatment. Will I?

Tonight I spoke to a friend of a friend, a fellow "warrior" who is going through treatment right now. On Monday she is having her mastectomy and we talked about my experience and I shared some of my strongest points of wisdom with her. I am no expert, I only know my own experience, but it felt so great to share my feelings and advice with her. I remember when I started down this road, I had no clue about anything and I was so grateful to all the women that reached out to me and made time to talk to me. I was so happy to be able to pay it forward...

4 down, 8 to go

Yesterday went pretty smoothly. My veins cooperated for the most part. My friend Tamar went with me for this round and it was great to have her there. The time passed quickly with her sitting next to me. Thanks for taking off of work to help T!

This week has been highly productive. I got all our hannukah shopping done, including wrapping presents. It starts a week from tomorrow so I'm relieved to have it all out of the way. Jason and I are also neck deep in figuring out Kindergarten plans for Talia for the fall - who knew how time consuming this process would be! And we are also in the midst of some major home repairs that will involve replacing all the siding on one side of the house due to some long term rain damage. Never a dull moment, even on top of my cancer treatment.

It's been nice to finally feel able to think about the future a bit. Planning Talia's birthday party means January is right around the corner, and that means the end of chemo (Jan 27 if it all stays on track). I can't imagine how amazing it will feel to walk out of the infusion center that last day knowing I won't ever have to go back! Of course it's not the end of treatment, but as of now, surgery seems like a cake walk compared to weekly visits and needles and side effects. We'll see if I feel that way when I enter the next phase...

Jason was on a radio show last weekend called "Childhood Matters". It was so amazing to listen to him talk about kids and technology and addiction. I was so proud of him! And so was Talia. We woke up early Sunday morning and listened to him in the living room while we had breakfast. Talia was really nervous for him and Minna just kept walking up to the stereo saying "dada?". He was a natural and I hope it means more opportunities to share his wisdom in this type of venue...

I am looking forward to the weekend. We are taking Talia to see Velveteen Rabbit on Saturday thanks to her loving and generous grandparents. And Jason and I get an overnight date on Friday. Lots to enjoy.