Freedom

Tonight at sundown Passover begins. Passover is the celebration of the freedom of the Jewish slaves from Egypt. We will be celebrating with my family and some close friends. For those of you not familiar with the traditions of Passover, it's a joyous, loud sort of reenactment of the Jews journey to freedom. We drink lots of wine, sing lots of songs and eat lots of bizarre food which symbolize the various experiences the Jews had during their quest for freedom.

I have been thinking a lot about my own journey to freedom from cancer and treatment and the cold dark winter. Now that the sun is shining I feel more alive than I have in months. I am smiling more and I have more energy. I am grateful that I am coming back to life and can truly appreciate all that lies ahead. I am very aware of all the challenges I still have to face but I feel more prepared to tackle them than ever before.

Jason spent the last 3 days in Arizona with some friends watching baseball and taking a much deserved vacation from life at home. Leading up to his trip I was anxious about how I would fare on my own with the girls. Sure, I spent some time with my family, but I was more independent than I have been in months. And I truly enjoyed every minute with the girls. It was one of the more blissful weekends I've had in a long long time. I felt relaxed, happy, calm and appreciative. It made me realize that I'm coming back into the world and it feels pretty darn amazing.

This blog has been an incredible medium in which to share my experiences and reach out to each and every one of you. I could never have managed to share this process - the good and bad - with everyone had I not had this place to let all my emotions out. But I feel ready to let it go. I've felt guilty these last few weeks about not posting to it, and to me that means it has lost it's purpose. I will reach out to people with news, and please feel free to email, text, FB, call, etc. if you want to catch up.

In parting, I want to share this poem I read when I was in Mendocino a few weeks ago:

And I thought over again
My small adventures
As with a shore-wind I drifted out
In my kayak
And thought I was in danger

My fears,
Those small ones
That I thought so big
For all the vital things
I had to get and to reach.

And yet there is only
One great thing,
The only thing:
To live to see in huts and on journeys
The great day that dawns,
And the light that fills the world.

The Latest

Hard to believe it's been almost a month since my last post. I'm not quite sure what to make of it but I do know this - tomorrow will be my last post. I've decided to retire the blog. But first, a bit of an update:

Physically I am significantly better. My hair is growing back like crazy. My eyebrows and eyelashes have made a come back, so much so that I had the joy of my first brow wax in 8 months last week and was elated when I saw the way they looked. The pain was totally worth it! I am also sporting a very short pixie cut of mostly this odd blondish/grayish/silvery soft straight hair. It's pretty bizarre when I look in the mirror to see this person that looks kind of like me, although I'll admit this whole experience has definitely aged me a bit.

The most significant health related news is this bizarre issue I've had to deal with the last few weeks. Three times over the course of the last 5 months, I have woken up in the morning and been unable to see out of my right eye. Twice it only lasted for 30 seconds, but the most recent time it lasted 5 full minutes. Slowly my vision would return but it was pretty distressing. It's only happened in the morning, so I don't feel concerned about driving or anything like that. I reported it to my doctor and within a few hours I was referred to have all kinds of tests done. I guess they were concerned about blood clots to my brain. I had an echo cardiogram to make sure my heart was functioning properly (which it was) a carotid ultrasound to make sure my carotid artery was carrying blood to my brain properly (which it was), a visit to the ophthalmologist, which confirmed everything was in order, and then a brain MRI which was the most nerve wracking for two reasons. First, the thought of a brain MRI is scary enough, and with the worry of recurrence and metastasis, well I won't even go there. But the MRI happened to be in the same building, even the same ROOM as the MRI where my cancer was first discovered. So needless to say, it was an emotionally intense experience. Thankfully the MRI was normal. So far the docs don't know what it is but the worry is not as high. I will see a neurologist for one last expert opinion. We'll see where that takes us...

My priority now is to exercise, eat well, get rest and let the sunshine and this season of rebirth help me recover from what I now consider the longest winter of my life.

Things are moving along

I'm not posting very often. Partly because there isn't much to report but also I haven't felt like it. I guess I'm busy enjoying being out and about and restoring my health. But it's been a mixed bag of feelings recently. I'm not happy with how I look so I'm feeling insecure. Last weekend all my eyebrows and eyelashes fell out. I had no idea that could still happen, considering chemo ended over a month ago. But according to everyone in my support group it is normal. I've got a lot more hair on my head and today I noticed there is a ton of hair on my legs, which is new - so that is encouraging. I might have to start shaving again soon - what a privilege!

We weaned Minna of the bottle this past weekend so sleep has been a little difficult. She cries a lot more at bedtime and then wakes up at 5 instead of 6:30 starving. So we are exhausted. Despite the fatigue of parenthood I am finding that I am regaining strength each day. It's slow, no doubt about it, but still noticeable. The recovery from surgery is frustrating. I feel good - I'm not in any pain, I am totally mobile and driving and lifting things. But my doc says no rigorous activity for 8 weeks which stinks. I can hopefully start swimming next week. But I was hoping to start something else soon too. I guess it's a good way to force myself to slow down and really allow my body to heal from all the torture.

My main focus over the next couple of months is a whole bunch of soul searching. This whole journey has changed my life in more ways than I could have imagined. It's a lot to process and sort through but I have lots of support to help me get to a good place. It will be an uphill climb but I'm hoping the view from the top will be rewarding!