Day 4/5

I started this yesterday but got too tired to finish it in one sitting:

I'm doing much better today. I am weaning myself from vicodin which means less of a fog all day but also a harder time sleeping and napping. My body will adjust, but it will be nice not to be on a narcotic again. I'm sure some of you would disagree. Actually last night was the first night of not sleeping with vicodin, only ibuprofen. I didn't sleep well at all. I am uncomfortable being stuck on my back all night but I'm not quite ready to sleep on my side.

The good news is each day when I wake up I feel more strength and mobility. This morning I actually made pancakes for everyone which was about as close to a hug or a snuggle as I could get for the girls. (the chocolate chips didn't hurt things either). It's hard being home alone all day and farming the kids out to various people, especially Minna. Talia is thrilled to have so many playdates but Minna breaks my heart when she leaves. It's almost as if she wants to sneak under my shirt with my bandaids and hide out until everyone else leaves so she can stay with me. I know it will pass but it's hard.

I am also starting to come down emotionally. I am finding myself crying over nothing. Just sitting at the table last night saying the prayers for shabbat and eating dinner with just my girls and Jason got me all verklempt. I don't know if it's the lack of estrogen or the let down of post surgery or just a combination of all the bullshit I've endured (most likely) but it's hard to see it coming and control it when it hits. I wonder what it will be like the next few weeks and how the Arimidex will help things (if at all).

I have a few drs appts coming up. Follow up/post op with my OB on March 1, then my oncologist the next day to start Arimidex. The following week I meet with the plastic surgeon to discuss the state of my boobs and then two weeks later one last meeting with the GYN oncologist that did my surgery to make sure things are healing well. So March will be easier, but still riddled with doctors and information. I'm tired just thinking about it. The good news is, mixed in with all of that are a few little getaways. And I'm totally psyched for all of that.

I'll post again soon - like I said each day is getting easier. At least physically.