Home Sweeeeeeeet Home

We are HOME! We (mostly Jason) packed up and moved everything back (and boy was it a lot of stuff after 5 weeks at my mom and Rich's house). It is absolutely wonderful to be home. The girls couldn't have been happier. Talia was a dream child. We came home to a lovely Mediterranean platter and home grown tomatoes on our back porch (thank you Laura, Mac, Rye and Adrian). Our neighbors across the street delivered some ice cream goodies and we celebrated with a lovely Shabbat dinner complete with a homemade and delicious challah from Jodi, one of Talia's teachers. The evening really couldn't have been more perfect. And the sunset tonight was absolutely divine.

There is a TON of unpacking, purging (lots and lots), organizing, etc. to do, but it doesn't all have to get done right away. I have plenty of time to tackle it all.

A quick but oh so meaningful shout out to Mom and Richard. Your house was a wonderful place to heal. Thank you for the meals, laundry, tissue, walks, errands, and most of all the 5,000 trips to the grocery store to feed my growing family. THANK YOU THANK YOU!

I am looking forward to a weekend around the house, feeling my usual self. I've got 13 days until my next treatment and I have plans to really maximize it. I met with an acupuncturist today who specializes in breast cancer/chemo patients and spent two hours with her. She was wonderful and will work with me over the course of my treatment (usually the day before chemo and then during my nadir which is the term used to refer to the point when the immune system is at it's lowest - 7-12 days post chemo). She is approved by Kaiser so it's no additional cost to me, a bonus!

I am feeling pretty great today. Can't wait to climb into MY bed tonight and wake up in the morning to celebrate all over again.

What a difference a day makes

This morning I woke up and for the first time since Thursday I felt lucid, energized and HAPPY! I got a pedicure, had lunch with my friend and spent a nice afternoon with the girls. I did spend some time resting in bed but I did not take a nap ONCE! I'm tired now, trust me, but it feels great to have had a normal day today. I cooked some dinner, did bath and bedtime and feel very accomplished. It's an amazing feeling to see myself on the other side of a treatment (even if I have a few setbacks in the next couple of days). I finally feel like I can make some plans and think beyond tomorrow.

It's pretty powerful how an experience like this can change what you appreciate it. Today I was just thankful for the ability to eat with my girls, do some dishes, and be social. A month ago I would have taken those simple things for granted and never even really acknowledged their significance.

Lots of Zzzzzzs

I haven't posted in a couple of days because really, nothing has happened. I have literally been sleeping for 3 days straight. The exhaustion is still pretty intense. I am preserving all my energy for dinner and bedtime so I can be with the girls. Today I was able to walk 4 blocks, with a break on some steps in between. It's really overwhelming how much my life has come to a grinding halt. Emotionally it sucks. But I can't imagine going through this without all my family and friends to help and support me.

P.S. Things are looking a little up - I was able to do bath and bedtime for both girls tonight with just a little help and it made me feel so great. Hooray for the teeniest bit of energy!

Sheer and Utter Exhaustion

Since my post Friday night, the exhaustion has hit me with all it's might. I have barely been out of bed. I am eating when I feel like it, and only in small quantities. The nausea is under control but I cannot believe the total exhaustion. I miss spending time with my family, that is definitely the hardest part so far. But I have to listen to my body and allow myself the time to heal from the drugs.

Today was supposed to be full of celebrations, a welcome home to my cousin Michael, Tessa's 18th birthday party and Rachel's 7th. It's now 3pm and I'm still in by pjs and my goal for the day is just to take a shower. Priorities change, but my job for now is to simply heal and rest and make my body my #1 priority.

Talia's camping night at Fairyland seemed to be a big success. Minna didn't sleep much last night, but thankfully my mom took care of her so I could sleep the whole night through. Thank goodness for my village.

This round of treatment and all of it's effects, will surely help me prepare better for my next one, on September 10. I won't commit to any plans that weekend and will be sure the girls have plenty of people around to entertain them so I can sleep the AC off. It's really going to be my life for a while.

That's all I've got in me for today.... even my hands are tired from writing this.

The Power of Healing

I just returned from a restorative yoga class and oh man did it feel good. From the moment the instructor first introduced herself and listened to my "story" until I got into the car to come home I felt in an intense feeling of calm. Throughout the class, the teacher would come over and rub my back and check on me. I felt so cared for. Because I've been so sore and tender from the surgery I have had barely any physical contact for 4 weeks and tonight I realized just how much I miss it!

I had Jason by my side through the class and I kept looking over at him in awe of this amazing partner I have to go through this with. I am so grateful for his presence and support.

I feel so peaceful and calm at the moment. I plan on returning to this class as often as my body and soul allow. I also have an appointment scheduled next week for a massage, facial and acupuncture. Should be a soothing week.

Addendum to "One Down"

So pretty much as soon as I published yesterday's post I started feeling really crappy. My nausea was really bad, even with the 5 anti-nausea meds they gave me. I took another around 3:30 when I woke up from a nap and it just made me feel like crap. The rest of the evening was pretty bad, ate a few bites of homemade chicken soup (thanks Sue!) and got in bed. Talia kept coming in to check on me. "Mommy why aren't you eating?" "Because the chemo makes my stomach upset" and she's munching on a tortelini and bites a piece off of it to make the letter "C" and says "C" is for Cancer. I manage to read her one bedtime story in my bed before she goes upstairs with Jason and when I ask her for a goodnight kiss she says "I already gave you one" and then proceeds to kiss my chest and I ask her what that was for and she says "To make your boobies feel better". God do I love that girl!

I barely slept last night - I think the steroid kept me up (they warned me about that). I will try and get some Ambien. But this morning I took a 2 1/2 hour nap which felt divine. Now I've eaten lunch and I'm off for a brief walk to run an errand. I am looking forward to a low key weekend.

I have become addicted to my snuggie (as has Jason). So thanks MoFo team for yet another super thoughtful present... my pile of loot is HUGE!

One Down

Today started out like any other day. Got up, got the kids out of bed, made breakfast for everyone and dropped Talia off at school. On the way out, two moms stopped to hug me and share some words of encouragement. And then to Kaiser Oakland for first infusion.

It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. The nurses were amazing. I am already trying to figure out what kind of cookies to bake for them! First I was given 5 pills (looked kind of like an easter egg basket with all the pretty pastel colors). Zofran, Decadron and Emend, all for anti-nausea (I also have a bag of these same drugs to have with me at home). Then they started the first drug, Adriamycin. It's bright red and in two syringes, so the nurse sits there and pushes it into my IV, takes about 10 minutes. Cherie, the nurse, was great. We chatted throughout. Then onto the Cytoxin. One IV bag full, took about an hour to get that in me. They took out my IV and sent me on my merry way. We talked to a few other patients, we were sitting in a room with 4 other chairs. One woman looked at me and said "Someone who needs to be carded to buy alcohol shouldn't be here getting chemo" and I said I couldn't agree more! I have the option of a private room but the natural light by the window was really nice. I've got a little TV I could watch but it was hard to concentrate on anything but my iphone. At one point (all you iphone junkies will appreciate this) I was reading an article on my phone and I looked over to where my phone had been sitting on the table and I didn't see it there and I started panicking that it was gone! Only to realize it was in my hand. Is this what chemo brain will bring?

So I'm home now, just ate my lunch and I'm gonna get some rest. I feel exhausted but mostly from the let down of getting through this HUGE day. We'll see what happens next.