No, I'm not dreaming of growing my hair long so I can have dreadlocks, I am dreading tomorrow. Round 3 of AC. This means only one more dose of this nasty drug at the end of the month and then I'll move onto Taxol. But I am NOT looking forward to tomorrow. When I think too much about it, I literally get a wave of nausea and can taste the bright red drug in the back of my throat. Gotta love the way the brain captures those oh so lovely memories and brings them back to haunt you!
I tried to enjoy my day. Took Talia to school and Minna to Shayna's house (where we do our nanny share 3 days a week). When we pulled up at their house, Minna started crying "no no no!" which of course breaks my heart but I know she was fine once I left. Then on to acupuncture, always a nice time for me. I get a nice snooze on the table and feel good for the rest of the day. Next stop, Kaiser, for my blood draw. My WBC was still low - but just within the range. I will resume neupogen injections this weekend to give my battery a little boost. I had lunch on my own and visited with Tamar for a bit and then came home.
I've been busy working on these questionnaires for a breast cancer study I agreed to do through Kaiser. It's the Pathways Breast Cancer Survivorship Study. It's sponsored by a bunch of organizations - American Cancer Society, National Cancer Institute and the Breast Cancer Research Program of Department of Defense. Its purpose is to determine whether breast cancer prognosis can be influenced by lifestyle or biological factors, such as genetics or tumor characteristics. I am asked a bunch of questions about my diet, emotional state, they take a sample of my saliva and the cancer tissue that was removed during my surgery, and take a bunch of measurements all over my body. I met with the research person yesterday and answered a number of questions in person and was given a stack of questions to answer on my own. It's interesting, and so long as the grant keeps being funded, I'll continue to participate and answer follow up questions on the anniversary of my diagnosis.
I am hoping to embrace the rest of today and have a nice evening with Jason and the girls. I hope for an easier cycle this time, with a quicker bounce back to normalcy. I am more prepared than last time - I've got ginger ale and crackers in my house, but mostly I just want the time to pass by quickly so I can get to Wednesday of next week and feel human again.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Day of Atonement
Today is Yom Kippur. The holiest day of the Jewish year. You are supposed to fast from sundown last night until sundown tonight. I am not fasting this year, I feel the need to take advantage of my appetite on the days I feel like eating. And keep up my strength and good health to prepare for Thursday. I had plans to go to services this evening and leave the girls with my dear sis-in-law but Talia woke up not feeling well and I decided I should be home with her. I feel so much desire to be with my kids in a more intense way than ever before. It's taken me by surprise, but in a wonderful wonderful way.
According to Jewish tradition, God inscribes each person's fate for the coming year into a "book" on Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish new year, which is always 10 days prior to Yom Kippur) and waits until Yom Kippur to "seal" the verdict. During the Days of Awe, a Jew tries to amend his or her behavior and seek forgiveness for wrongs done against God and against other human beings. (I am not this religious, I'm taking this from Wikipedia so it's all accurate). I am taking this opportunity to atone for my sins and seek forgiveness from all of my wonderful family and friends who I may have had fights or disagreements with, whose feelings I may have hurt or ignored or offended in any way. It is during times like this that make you really think about your relationships and you realize how important it is to treat people with respect and kindness all of the time. I continue to be blown away by the support and generosity of everyone I know (literally). From Katie, who I haven't seen since Talia was 5 months old and knit me a beautiful hat to keep my head warm to Teri in Florida who's daughter and I were friends when we were younger who has sent me cookies and a wonderful book on breast cancer for kids, and to Jen J. in SoCal who ran the Komen race in my honor, even though we haven't spoken or seen each other in 8 years. The list goes on and on, my intention is not to omit anyone, it's to point out how grateful I am that people that I barely know, or who I haven't talked with in years, are still supporting me and cheering me on.
To my friends and family and co-workers and acquaintenances, I love you all and appreciate everyone so very much. May you all be inscribed in the Book of Life and have a healthy and joyous new year (Jewish or not!)
According to Jewish tradition, God inscribes each person's fate for the coming year into a "book" on Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish new year, which is always 10 days prior to Yom Kippur) and waits until Yom Kippur to "seal" the verdict. During the Days of Awe, a Jew tries to amend his or her behavior and seek forgiveness for wrongs done against God and against other human beings. (I am not this religious, I'm taking this from Wikipedia so it's all accurate). I am taking this opportunity to atone for my sins and seek forgiveness from all of my wonderful family and friends who I may have had fights or disagreements with, whose feelings I may have hurt or ignored or offended in any way. It is during times like this that make you really think about your relationships and you realize how important it is to treat people with respect and kindness all of the time. I continue to be blown away by the support and generosity of everyone I know (literally). From Katie, who I haven't seen since Talia was 5 months old and knit me a beautiful hat to keep my head warm to Teri in Florida who's daughter and I were friends when we were younger who has sent me cookies and a wonderful book on breast cancer for kids, and to Jen J. in SoCal who ran the Komen race in my honor, even though we haven't spoken or seen each other in 8 years. The list goes on and on, my intention is not to omit anyone, it's to point out how grateful I am that people that I barely know, or who I haven't talked with in years, are still supporting me and cheering me on.
To my friends and family and co-workers and acquaintenances, I love you all and appreciate everyone so very much. May you all be inscribed in the Book of Life and have a healthy and joyous new year (Jewish or not!)
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Blissed Out
What a lovely day today was! Talia flew down to my sister's in Irvine this morning with Bubba (my mom) and I am so proud of her for being so brave in leaving us for 2 nights and 3 days! What a big girl! I left Minna with Phulam (our relatively new nanny) and went to swim laps with Jason. We had a lovely lunch at O'Chame on 4th Street -YUM! and then I had a wonderfully amazing facial and after that, an indulgent mint pedicure. Wow! I wouldn't be able to indulge like this without the generous and thoughtful gifts from my family and friends. It is amazing how relaxed and stress free I feel this evening. I came home to the happiest Minna I've seen in weeks. She and Phulam seemed to have really bonded today and she even walked for her and took a bottle (both things she really only does in the presence of people she feels really comfortable with). Minna and I had a terrific evening together and I was able to give her my undivided attention. I read her a ton of books and spent a long time giving her a bath. I am amazed at how much I am soaking in all the little things in life....
More to come!
More to come!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
All in moderation
I am back online at home. It took some creative thinking to connect a PC monitor to a MAC computer but here we are back in action. Yay!
I just returned from a fun filled solo adventure to the city to do some retail therapy (something I don't treat myself to very often at all and today was a big splurge for me) and then a brief visit with my lovely MoFo Family. It was great to see everyone and thank them all in person for their loyal and generous support.
I am feeling quite good this week. Coming out of this last round of chemo was more challenging in some ways, but I'll attribute most of that to the stomach flu everyone was hit with on the same night as my chemo. Nice timing, huh? Everyone is still recovering which means it was a nasty little bug. I dry heaved the night of my chemo but I don't know whether to credit the drugs or the bug, and really, does it matter?
On Sunday, Jason and I got some much needed alone time and we went and swam laps. It's my second time doing it and I really enjoy it. Being in the water is so soothing and it's a great way to build up my stamina and get some strength and mobility back in my arms. After our swim he shaved the rest of my head, and I mean with a razor. I have one bald ass head now. I was actually surprised at how much hair I still had after 4 weeks, but it was patchy and brittle and painful. As weird as it is to look at myself in the mirror and see this white dome, it feels much cleaner. The rest of this week is devoted to healing and pampering. Facial, massage and mani/pedi. I never used to indulge like this but each special thing I do for myself makes me feel less stress and more at peace and that is very powerful.
It's hard to believe that round 3 is a week from Thursday. The cycles seem to be zooming past so quickly. That's good, because it means October 22 will be here before I know it and then I won't ever have to think about AC and red liquid being injected into my veins ever ever again. Between now and then I will get a visit from my friend Molly, my father and my friend Julie. Each will be very special for me.
Minna walks a bit more each day, mostly prompted by the soundtrack to high school musical. She sees Talia dancing and gets up and walks over to her and then Talia takes her hands and they dance together. Jason and I sat on the couch the other day watching them move their bodies together and it was such a happy moment. I could feel my smiles zapping all the little cancer cells and bringing more strength to my body with each little shake of our beautiful girls' hips.
I just returned from a fun filled solo adventure to the city to do some retail therapy (something I don't treat myself to very often at all and today was a big splurge for me) and then a brief visit with my lovely MoFo Family. It was great to see everyone and thank them all in person for their loyal and generous support.
I am feeling quite good this week. Coming out of this last round of chemo was more challenging in some ways, but I'll attribute most of that to the stomach flu everyone was hit with on the same night as my chemo. Nice timing, huh? Everyone is still recovering which means it was a nasty little bug. I dry heaved the night of my chemo but I don't know whether to credit the drugs or the bug, and really, does it matter?
On Sunday, Jason and I got some much needed alone time and we went and swam laps. It's my second time doing it and I really enjoy it. Being in the water is so soothing and it's a great way to build up my stamina and get some strength and mobility back in my arms. After our swim he shaved the rest of my head, and I mean with a razor. I have one bald ass head now. I was actually surprised at how much hair I still had after 4 weeks, but it was patchy and brittle and painful. As weird as it is to look at myself in the mirror and see this white dome, it feels much cleaner. The rest of this week is devoted to healing and pampering. Facial, massage and mani/pedi. I never used to indulge like this but each special thing I do for myself makes me feel less stress and more at peace and that is very powerful.
It's hard to believe that round 3 is a week from Thursday. The cycles seem to be zooming past so quickly. That's good, because it means October 22 will be here before I know it and then I won't ever have to think about AC and red liquid being injected into my veins ever ever again. Between now and then I will get a visit from my friend Molly, my father and my friend Julie. Each will be very special for me.
Minna walks a bit more each day, mostly prompted by the soundtrack to high school musical. She sees Talia dancing and gets up and walks over to her and then Talia takes her hands and they dance together. Jason and I sat on the couch the other day watching them move their bodies together and it was such a happy moment. I could feel my smiles zapping all the little cancer cells and bringing more strength to my body with each little shake of our beautiful girls' hips.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Family Photo Shoot
Last weekend, after my birthday and my head shaving, our dear friend Deborah came over and took some very moving pictures of the four of us. These pictures capture all the feelings we are experiencing through this journey. We are tender, fragile, brave, strong, fierce, silly, touched, and most importantly, very in love. Our family unit has grown so strong through this experience. Here are a few of the shots, soon to be featured on our living room wall. Deborah, thank you. In 2 hours, you captured a lifetime of emotions. We love you!
Back to Life
I am really missing my computer - I think we are almost back up and running at home! It's been 7 days since my infusion and I am still tired, but feeling so much more human. My appetite is certainly back, and it seems to have taken less time this go round than last. I am craving protein and dairy like a mad woman! It was a rough weekend for the entire Brand clan. Minna started puking Thursday night and it just went down hill from there, Talia, then my in-laws and sister in law and now my mom has it. YUCK! Minna is still totally lethargic but I am hoping she will bounce back very soon.
Today I took Talia to school and spent about 20 minutes with her talking with parents, writing a letter with her and hanging out. I am loving the ability to take my time and cherish these moments.
I've had some lovely visitors and the delicious meals continue to nourish our bodies and souls. I am so grateful for everyone's generosity and effort in feeding us (and schlepping out to Richmond to deliver the meals!).
It's a beautiful day outside and I'm determined to go make the most of it, more later....
Today I took Talia to school and spent about 20 minutes with her talking with parents, writing a letter with her and hanging out. I am loving the ability to take my time and cherish these moments.
I've had some lovely visitors and the delicious meals continue to nourish our bodies and souls. I am so grateful for everyone's generosity and effort in feeding us (and schlepping out to Richmond to deliver the meals!).
It's a beautiful day outside and I'm determined to go make the most of it, more later....
Saturday, September 12, 2009
C2 D3
That's Cycle 2, Day 3. It's a good sign I'm even interested in posting today. Jason, bless his heart, took the girls to his parents house at 9:30 this morning and I've had the whole day to myself. I have taken two long naps, had one lovely visit from Sarah and managed to make myself two meals and do some laundry. Next up, a bath, and then the girls will be home for bedtime.
This round didn't start off so hot. I came home Thursday night and my dear friend Jessica came to keep me company while Jason was presenting his first fall workshop. Around 8pm I started dry heaving and it lasted on and off until 2am. Not fun. Coincidentally, Minna, who was sleeping at my in-laws, was vomiting all night too. So I am not sure if I was experiencing a variation of the same bug as her or just part of this round of chemo. Not that it matters, it's behind us now, thank goodness.
My head is getting more bald. I'm surprised I still have any hair left. There's quite a bit, but then again I started out with a shitload of hair on my head! I've got a few big bald patches and my head is really cold when I go bare around the house. I'm getting the hang of tying scarves. And going out in public isn't as big of a deal as I had anticipated. Each hurdle I get over is a relief.
I am happy to say that I am halfway through the AC part of this drug bath. The harsher of the two cocktails. The taxol will start 1 week after my last AC round and that won't be as hard on my body, but it will be weekly which means I'll spend more time at the hospital for 12 weeks. Oh well - just get me through.
I spent time during my infusion on Thursday learning how to do the self-injections so tonight I will start the neupogen shots. Jason and I both practiced and the nurse watched us to make sure we understood the steps. Apparently this stuff is like liquid gold so I've got to be really careful not to waste anything. I have to say there is never a dull moment with chemo!
I'm reading a book right now called "Nordie's at Noon" which sounds really hokey but a colleague of mine sent it to me (thank you Cheryl, if you are reading this!) and it's really been insightful. It's about 4 women around 30 years old who were all diagnosed with various kinds of breast cancer. Once a month they meet at Nordstroms Cafe for lunch and discuss their individual journeys. They decided to write a book about it and I've learned a lot from them. Perspective is everything.
I'm looking forward to getting past the next 3 days and getting out and about again. My strength and energy is pretty low. Even folding laundry was tiring. I'm off to take a bath before the kids come home for bed.
More later, as always.
This round didn't start off so hot. I came home Thursday night and my dear friend Jessica came to keep me company while Jason was presenting his first fall workshop. Around 8pm I started dry heaving and it lasted on and off until 2am. Not fun. Coincidentally, Minna, who was sleeping at my in-laws, was vomiting all night too. So I am not sure if I was experiencing a variation of the same bug as her or just part of this round of chemo. Not that it matters, it's behind us now, thank goodness.
My head is getting more bald. I'm surprised I still have any hair left. There's quite a bit, but then again I started out with a shitload of hair on my head! I've got a few big bald patches and my head is really cold when I go bare around the house. I'm getting the hang of tying scarves. And going out in public isn't as big of a deal as I had anticipated. Each hurdle I get over is a relief.
I am happy to say that I am halfway through the AC part of this drug bath. The harsher of the two cocktails. The taxol will start 1 week after my last AC round and that won't be as hard on my body, but it will be weekly which means I'll spend more time at the hospital for 12 weeks. Oh well - just get me through.
I spent time during my infusion on Thursday learning how to do the self-injections so tonight I will start the neupogen shots. Jason and I both practiced and the nurse watched us to make sure we understood the steps. Apparently this stuff is like liquid gold so I've got to be really careful not to waste anything. I have to say there is never a dull moment with chemo!
I'm reading a book right now called "Nordie's at Noon" which sounds really hokey but a colleague of mine sent it to me (thank you Cheryl, if you are reading this!) and it's really been insightful. It's about 4 women around 30 years old who were all diagnosed with various kinds of breast cancer. Once a month they meet at Nordstroms Cafe for lunch and discuss their individual journeys. They decided to write a book about it and I've learned a lot from them. Perspective is everything.
I'm looking forward to getting past the next 3 days and getting out and about again. My strength and energy is pretty low. Even folding laundry was tiring. I'm off to take a bath before the kids come home for bed.
More later, as always.
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