It's been a week, and as my wise cousin Erica said, just focus on October 29 because by then you will feel like yourself again. She was so right! I woke up this morning and despite feeling tired from our little 18 month old rooster waking up at 5:40, I feel MUCH more like me. I am getting ready to go for a swim in a few minutes which will be fabulous. One of the most annoying and persistent side effects I've had is this awful feeling of total body bruising. I don't know if it's from the neupogen shots or the chemo itself but my upper body and face have felt like someone attacked me with a hammer. There is no visible bruising but even the softest lightest touch is really painful. Today it is gone so the idea of getting into lukewarm water and moving my body sounds appealing.
It's been a tough few days emotionally. I'm surprised, I figured that after AC was over, I would feel this huge sense of relief and a feeling of completion and joy. Of course I'm happy that I can put that chapter behind me, but I feel very emotional about my entire state of being right now. I've had more moments in the last few days of "wow, I have cancer" and feeling sorry for myself than I have in the last couple of months. I think there is a part of me that expected for AC to end and to be able to pick up my life again, but the reality is, with the start of Taxol on November 11, I will have two visits to the hospital each week (one for blood work the day before) and there is now another layer of unknown. I don't know what Taxol will do to my body. Physically, I've been feeling pretty OK about how I feel. I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes. But the Taxol could very well get rid of them. I've been feeling really self conscious about my appearance. I can see my brows are thinning and my lashes are falling out. I am not looking forward to looking more sick than I already do.
I also feel like when all this chemo is behind me, how will I know it worked? There isn't some test they can do to say "good job, all that suffering paid off, and you are cancer free". I just have to have blind faith that it was all for a good cause and go about my life. Of course of course of course it's all worth it, but it still seems ludicrous.
I am grateful beyond words for my girls and Jason. Talia and Minna make me smile a dozen times a day and keep me motivated and active and happy. Jason is the biggest blessing in my life. Yesterday we spent the day together - we drove out to Pt. Reyes and had lunch at our favorite diner and took a little walk. We spent the whole time talking about life and all of our big decisions and my illness and our relationship and it was an absolutely perfect day. On the way back we picked up the girls, took Talia for a haircut and I cooked a nice dinner. It was really a wonderful day. I do love my family.
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Jen, you are so strong and I pray each day that you keep your strength. You will conquer this with flying colors and someday you will look back on these days and be so proud of the fighter in you. Hang in there! xo
ReplyDeletenothing like a serious illness to provide perspective and balance. i am so glad that this is bringing you all closer, instead of further apart.
ReplyDeleteJen, its been so wonderful for me to be able to read all about your journey. My mother was diagnosed with colon cancer in December of last year. As mothers often are, she's very guarded about what is happening with her before, during and after her chemo treatments and how she is dealing with it. Your story, has helped me deal with the unknown and the crazy things that chemo can do to your body. I'm so grateful that you have decided to share and bare all to us. I wish you and your LOVELY family all the love and strenght. Your a truly inspirational and strong woman.
ReplyDeleteAll the best - Alice (mofo)