This past weekend was a doozy! We had Hannukah parties both nights and then Jason's birthday was Sunday. Going into the weekend, I was anxious about how I would hold up against all the holiday buzz and it ended up being a mixed bag. Being at big parties with lots of people I haven't seen in a while was challenging. I was insecure about how I looked and found it hard at times to carry on a conversation about "normal" stuff. "What are your plans for new years eve?" oh I'm having chemo that day. Things like that. It just amplified how screwed up life is right now. At one party, a woman I barely know sat down next to me and said "what happened to you, what do you have". It made it hard to just relax and be myself. But, in the end I got through it and managed to enjoy myself for the most part. Having the girls there certainly allowed me a good excuse to quickly exit a difficult conversation without having to think of a reason :-)
Jason's birthday was hard as well. I wanted so badly to make it special and fabulous but being sleep deprived, fighting a cold and being exhausted from 5 weeks of chemo made it very hard to just get up and give it my all. I felt terribly guilty about not coming through the way I normally do for special occasions. Oh, and Minna had ANOTHER fever Sunday so she was extra cranky and clingy. We got through the day and managed to have a nice quiet celebration in spite of all the forces working against us.
Tomorrow is #6. That marks the halfway point for Taxol and only 6 more weeks of chemo F-O-R-E-V-E-R!!!!! My body is REALLY feeling the cumulative effects of the chemo. I just feel achy and sore and tired and irritable all the time. And the hot flashes, don't get me started on the hot flashes. They wake me up at night and I can't figure out how to keep a comfortable temperature. I'm either burning up or freezing! Sleep has been really challenging the last couple of weeks. Either one of the girls is up or I wake up and can't get back to sleep. It's pretty frustrating.
Today I am off to the lab, a swim and pedicure. I am looking forward to an easy, grown-up, take care of me kind of day.
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Jen, I want to say again that you are an inspiration. I am amazed at your ability to take care of yourself and do the normal family things in spite of how you are feeling inside. Hair or no hair, you look great and are great! - tired, weakened, but looking good.
ReplyDeleteSending virtual hugs ((((( ))))) and Happy Birthday to Jason!
ReplyDeleteHeidi