Big Day

Today was a big day for me. I took an 8 block walk this morning which felt great. It was slow, but progress! My good friend came to see me and brought lunch (thanks Jenna!) and I feel like I'm slowly coming out of my cocoon. This afternoon Jason and I went to see my surgeon for my post-op visit. She took one of my drains out but wanted to wait until Monday to remove the other. It didn't hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would. We talked about my diagnosis, my future and the BRCA gene test results. It's amazing to take in all that lies ahead.

After my appointment we went to a wonderful dinner at Baywolf and had a lovely quiet table on the patio. It was a great way to stop and take time for ourselves, something we haven't had the opportunity to do in quite a while.

I am really focusing on trying to take things one day at a time. It seems to be the only way I can get through this with some sense of sanity.

A friend of mine gave me a wonderful mantra to repeat as I go through this journey:

"I accept my full power as a woman and accept all my bodily processes as normal and natural. I love and approve of myself. All is well."

I love this saying and I plan to use it!

More tomorrow, today took a lot out of me.

Another Layer of the Onion

In my first post, I mentioned that I would be getting the BRCA gene test. Last Thursday I had the blood test done and they turned it around really quickly. I found out today that I am BRCA positive. This means many things. It effects my chemo treatment in the short term. But it also has implications about my future in terms of my ovaries. Someone with the BRCA gene has a much higher chance of getting breast cancer and ovarian cancer. Considering I now have breast cancer, my odds of getting ovarian cancer are much greater (I will learn about all the percentages on Monday at an appointment with the genetics counselor). The big decision to face about this (down the road) is about having my ovaries removed (and possibly a total hysterectomy). It's another big piece of information to digest. I'm not at all surprised by this development, but it's another layer to peel away and understand...

Some Good News!

I got a call from the doctor this evening and all my other lymphnodes are clear. The only cancer is in my sentinel node (the one closest to my right breast). This is great news as it means I won't need radiation in addition to the chemo. We celebrated a lot. It was a huge relief.

I had a long day and don't have much in me to write more, but this is worth it's own post.

The love and flowers and good wishes continue to brighten my days...

It's the little things...

Today was a good day. I see a big improvement from yesterday which is encouraging. I was proud of myself this morning, I was able to wash my face all by myself and empty my drains (gross, but a good sign of healing). I am sleeping well at night, about 10 hours with only 1 or 2 wakings to take more meds. More sleep than I have had in 4 1/2 years!

I am amazed at the flower arrangements that are showing up. Dahlias, orchids, marigolds, etc. The house smells so wonderful. And my appetite is beginning to return which means my energy level will start to come back soon too. I have had a few visitors which is nice. And I have an appt on Wednesday at my hair salon for a wash and dry which I desperately need.

The girls are adjusting well, a bit more each day. Minna is getting used to Tessa and I can be in the same room as her now without her freaking out that I can't hold her. I am ready for that limitation to be lifted, it's one of the hardest. Selfishly it was nice for Talia to go to school today and it's good she has a whole week ahead of her to be in her own world and surrounded by her friends and teachers who can dote on her.

I am processing my future a bit more each day, but it's so hard to accept everything considering how quickly things changed. One month ago today I was sitting in the waiting room for my first breast MRI without a clue....

Recovery

Here I am, over the first hurdle (unfortunately the first, not the only). My surgery was two days ago. I amazed myself with how calm I was leading up to it. Jason was terrific sticking by my side the whole time.

The surgery went well but my sentinel node was positive, which means I will need chemo. According to the doc right after surgery, it looks like it will be 4-6 months of chemo, but we will know more on Thursday or Friday. My pain level is moderate, but thanks to vicodin I am tolerating it well.

Last night was hard with the girls. Minna wanted me to hold her and Talia was just plain mad. But today is a little better and tomorrow Talia will be back at school which will be very good for everyone.

I'm tired, this is all I've got in me now. Thank you all for reaching out, sending love, flowers, cupcakes (YUM Erica & David!), balloons, texts, etc. I don't know where I'd be without my iphone.

As my father in law always says, more later...

Countdown

So I've managed to keep myself very busy today. Packed up the house and got everything settled at my mom's so we don't have to think about it tomorrow. I also went and had my blood drawn today for the BRCA gene test. I have to wait 2 weeks for the results which is just another part of this waiting game. I haven't given it much thought, no time to focus on something so far in the distance when I have tomorrow staring me in the face. I also managed a nice walk up to College from my mom's house and shopped (without success) for some button down shirts which I have one of (thanks to my dear mother in law) but need more of for the week or two after surgery since putting anything over my head will be painful. And last, and most importantly, I stopped for a cookies and cream ice cream cone - why not right?

I have to be at the hospital tomorrow earlier than I thought which is a good thing, let's get this ball rolling.

Be back again, on the other side of this hurdle...

Breakthrough

Well today was a good emotional day. Yesterday, not so much. I spent some time with my therapist (who I hadn't seen since before Minna was born) and she was a tremendous help. I am coming to terms with the fact that I'm lucky. Not to have cancer, but to be young, and otherwise healthy and have cancer. I am strong, physically and mentally, and I have so much to fight for. Of course I'm devastated to lose my breasts but they have done a helluva job providing sustenance to my two wonderful daughters. I took good care of myself today and this evening I took a bath with Talia and Minna and it made me so happy. I realized that what I want, more than anything, is for these strong, smart, beautiful children to look back on this part of their life and see that I kicked cancer's ass! To see that I took this challenge head on and won the fight. I know I'll have more down days, and I'm still scared as hell about Friday, but I trust the doctors to take care of me and fix me so I will have a long, healthy and happy life ahead. That's all I ask for...