Ups and Downs

The last couple of days have been more emotionally challenging for me. I guess it's all just really starting to sink in. The start of chemo is approaching (exact date next week still TBD, more on that in a post later this week). The fact that I've spent hours researching wigs/scarves/hats, etc. means the hair loss is really going to happen. I am finding myself more emotionally fragile and VERY moody. It would be nice if I could put PMS on hold while I'm dealing with all this other crap, but of course that's not possible. I realize that in 6-8 months I won't have to deal with periods anymore, and I should really be grateful that I have them right now, but sorry - I don't see a silver lining in cramps and mood swings.

I have started reaching out to my new "breast cancer buddies" and it's helpful and overwhelming and so confusing all at the same time. I hate that I can't go an hour without thinking about this f#!#$% disease. I hate that if I get woken up in the middle of the night by any small thing, it takes me an hour to relax enough to go back to sleep because my mind just immediately jumps to all this stuff.

Today I had my MUGA test - draw blood, mix in a radioactive dye and inject it back into me and then scan my heart for 10 minutes to make sure it's functioning properly. A very benign test but I felt so lonely and sad being there. This is just what life is going to be like - I am getting very familiar with the parking lots at Kaiser, starting to recognize the faces of people in the hospital, etc.

I had a relatively normal weekend this weekend. Jason and I were able to go on a lovely date Friday night and ate at a fabulous middle eastern restaurant Zatar in Berkeley and then went to see 500 Days of Summer (totally worth seeing!). Yesterday I went to see Julie & Julia (also great!). I'm trying to carve out time for myself, but it's challenging sometimes. And Talia, god love her, is SOOOOOOOOOO clingy and needy and whiny right now. I just don't have the patience for her sometimes. I love her, but I don't always like her.

We decided we are going to stay at my mom and Rich's for another 3 weeks. I want to get through one round of chemo and see how bad it is (even though the effects could be different the second time around) before I go home. It's been so hard planning things for the next few weeks/months because I just don't know how I will feel. I hate that!

I know this is a pretty down post, I just feel crappy today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better, but if it's not, oh well!