Today marks one week since my surgery. I have made significant progress and I am pleased with how well I am taking care of myself. I am walking and up and around with little discomfort. I am off the heavy duty pain killers and only taking Advil a couple of times a day. I am able to do some stuff around the house but I am really trying to resist the urge to pick up things on the floor or do heavy lifting. I haven't carried Minna farther than from the rocking chair to the crib (and that was only once!).
What's been the biggest challenge are my emotions. I am like Niagara falls right now. All the bravery and strength I have kept up these last 8 months has finally started to crumble. I am accepting the fact that it's OK to fall apart, god knows I deserve a little freak out. But it's really all coming out. I am going from terrifying thoughts of recurrence, paranoid about what other shitty circumstances can come along in my life to turn it all upside down again. I am feeling more protective of my children and worried about them being in more dangerous situations, although I know that is just a result of the paranoia about life and it's fragility. I hate how I look right now - there is very little that is left of me that feels feminine. But I know in time that will change. I do have some hair but it's not what it used to be so who knows how it will all grow back in. I know that what really matters is that it will grow back. And over time the aftermath will feel less intense and I will have days when I don't even think about cancer. But at the moment that seems so far off.
I am talking about my feelings to a lot of people right now and allowing myself to cry and fall apart. And I know I will reach some sort of emotional equilibrium soon enough, but it sure is intense in the eye of the storm.
I am home a lot this week, resting, reading, watching Olympics etc. and this all gives me a lot of time to think. There is so much to face in the coming months. My priority now is to heal, get more mobile and allow myself the time to accept my new life and my new body.
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You are an inspiration Jen, just as brave and strong as ever. Wishing you comfort and peace in the days ahead - Matt King & family
ReplyDeletewhat matt said, despite the fact that i don't have the experiences to say the same with the understanding that he does. huge huge hugs. letting it out is human and normal and good.
ReplyDeleteI continue to think about you and the incredible process you and your family are forced to go through - i imagine you need very much to be emotional and feel into some of the spaces that hold overwhelming feelings of fear and loss - you have amazing people to hold you and love you. thinking about you. caroline
ReplyDeleteHey Jen,
ReplyDeleteYou're my hero. Tears, insecurities and all. You are, . . "in the big picture" doing fantastic. Hang in there as things will get better . . .soon. We love you. The east coast cousins.
Deb
Jen-
ReplyDeleteYou are allowed to cry and crumble all that you want. Everything you have been through the last few months is not easy and you have been so strong and positive through it all. It's all part of the healing process. You are beautiful inside and out.
Always thinking and praying for you.
Hi, Jen- Haven't popped in here for awhile, but wanted to say I just recently went through the niagra falls stage...it does get better as you regain your strength. You're doing amazing.
ReplyDeleteHang in there and yes there will be a day (or two!) where we won't think about cancer.
Ani 917-1720